Hot guys and my dad.

Two good looking guys on my way to work in the morning just make my day.

One is doing construction on the road I take, he wears a green monkey suit and he's probably in his 20s he says good morning to me every time I go by, and yeah, I go past there even if I don't have to... ok it's not like I make my trip that much longer, maybe 2 minutes, but still...

The other one is a guy that I've mentioned before. He works in the same field as I do and he's the one that a while back stopped me in the street one evening. Every time I see him though he looks different. He had a beard for a bit, then he had stubble, then none, then he's got his hair long, then short, Then with mirrored Raybans and then without... He ALWAYS says hi to me first and I end up flustered saying that I didn't recognize him. This morning though, he was standing where I was expecting him to stand and He had no beard but his raybans on and I recognized him and said hi first. He was talking to a pretty girl that wasn't his wife.
Without the beard he is HOT I mean the kind of hot where once you're far enough away from earshot, you say DAMN to yourself and this morning, on my bike as I whizzed by I smiled, covered my mouth (as I tend to do sometimes when I do something I shouldn't) and I said "damn he's hot" under my breath.

Today is Thursday, I wish I had an HNT pic... I like HNT. But things have been so hectic that I haven't had time to think of much. In fact there are emails I should be answering which I haven't gotten round to either. Perhaps while in greece I'll get to those.

Greece is around the corner. I had another argument with Bf yesterday that just got me so on edge. It's becoming a nightmare. I really really wish things didn't have to be so complicated. Sometimes I wonder whether I should give him any information at all. Keeping my mouth shut might make things easier... But I'm generally an honest person and I like to keep things clear so I'm stupid and tell him everything even if it makes life harder for me. My boss's sister is coming with us, they were supposed to go together and so she didn't give up her ticket and is coming anyhow. I thought it would make bf more comfortable. But it just brought out another argument so...bleh.... whatever.

I think my dad may have caught on that there's someone else in my thoughts. He told me today that if things don't survive with bf that I should try not to get involved with anyone else until it's over. It would make things so much more complicated. But I know that from experience and I told him that I didn't have anyone else.... I wonder now whether I should have told him about Rob. I'm really open with my dad. I'm sure he'd understand or at least listen and give me insight or advice. But I didn't tell him. I'm not sure why yet. But I'll be thinking about it, I want to ask myself that.

*Edit: reading back on this for editing I think that I'm afraid he'd convince me that Rob is a bad idea. My father has an incredible power of influence on me. I'd be afraid that he'd try to talk me out of the online relationship. Not that it would waiver me much but I'd have constant doubt... better not tell him.

the best part

There's something about that look on his face when he watches me cum that makes me want to cum again and again. Ok so the words he whispers into my headphones, the sight of his cock being rubbed slowly by his thumb and fingers, the pre-cum dripping over the head, the sight of his tongue over the edge of his lips all drive me completely crazy. But what really does it is that look in his eyes, that smile, the nod. That's what makes me want more.
Last night was so good, was so fucking good that I had to cum another 2 times this morning. It doesn't help that I'm really horny these days. The heat is what does it to me. I get horny as hell when it's hot out. The tight clothes and short skirts, bikinis and all that jazz just make my libido double.

He said he was surprised that I'd even want to get back into doing cyber with him after meeting up. I don't think I could give it up. I don't think I'd give it up for anything. I think that if we lived closer, and we managed to see each other more often it might dwindle. But this is the next best thing to actually having sex. And perhaps after the meeting the cyber is even better. I can actually picture, taste and almost feel what he's talking about. I've been through the sensations before with him. I can perfectly imagine the head of his cock gliding past my lips, I can remember the taste, remember the sensation of his fingers and his cock sliding into me, remember his cum showering on me.

I must be getting over my verbal shyness a little too. I never did have a problem doing things on cam, but my shyness was always when I have to speak. With him, last night, he asked me to talk. I admit I didn't go on for hours, but my words did make him cum and that just turned me on even more. Even this morning, thinking back on last night, I got off partially on thoughts of the words I'd said and the knowledge that it was at least a fraction of what made him cum.

Greek news and Nightmares.

So I went in to work yesterday. My boss was around but not really working as she is still very very weak and can't breath deeply without being in pain. She asked me officially if I would take her place in Greece and I accepted although slightly reluctantly as I have a wedding I'd like to be at and the fact that I'd be going with co-worker alone. I at least wanted to show my difficulties so that she would understand the situation.

I really do have mixed feelings (I may just be trying to convince myself of that) but I think I do. I had an argument, although a very tame one, with bf last night about it. I do not blame him in the least. I understand his jealousy and I understand his uneasiness. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
I did however ask him if he wanted to come with us more than once and he refused. Last night he "joked" (as he called it) about coming but me paying for it. And the problem was that if he had told me right away that he wanted to come but couldn't afford it then I probably would have offered. But since he refused right off the bat and then comes back "joking" about me paying for it saying things like "if you really wanted me to come you'd pay for my trip" I just got angry and annoyed instead.

The fact that he expects me to pay for it rather than telling me the truth about not being able to afford it and suggesting we split it or something is really frustrating.

Apart from all that he understands that it's for work, he just thinks that I REALLY REALLY want to go and that I'm jumping for joy when I'm not. He says that I didn't even try not going, telling my boss that I wouldn't go. That is true but I know that my boss doesn't really have any alternatives. I really am not that at ease with the situation. But as is expected my feelings are mixed. I get to go to a greek island for a week to work half days and go to the beach and get paid for it all....

Co-worker's gf is also in a bunch about this, I don't blame her either. I wonder if anyone is going to believe us that nothing happened when we're both good and keep our distances.

I am not only anxious about having to go with Co-worker, but I'm also anxious about everything else the whole trip entails. It's going to be a stressful trip, with a lot of responsibilities. Luckily co-worker and I work very well together and listen to each other, we communicate well for work and are respectful of the other's ideas. So I'm sure it will be fine.

On a completely different note I had the weirdest dream last night... possibly nightmare. First of all I have been having dreams about Rob relatively regularly these days they're good dreams, very good dreams. But last night was a strange exception.

It was about meeting up online. We had organized to meet on Skype and we were cybering, when he knocks some fruit from a bowl onto the floor and it rolls away from the couch where he's sitting. The camera pans over to follow the fruit and I can see the camera crane in the shadows, the video gets shaky and then suddenly I can see the cameraman and audio boom. That's when I freak and close the laptop. My mind goes into a flurry not understanding fully but understanding something, and I have a new cell phone that for some reason is tracking his car or what the phone thinks is his car, and I'm trying to run away from the situation, running through a big city and running trying to catch him at the same time. I am expecting him to text me to explain but my cellphone is constantly trying to give me information on where he might be and I can't see my texts. And I'm desperate to hear from him hoping that he has some explanation, but deep down I know that he won't text or call.

That was at 5:30 this morning. I kept waking up and finally got out of bed at 7:30 after bf had left.

Cooling off.... or getting hot.

Aw man it has been hectic here. I'm totally beat. We had guests over the weekend that just left this morning. I've been running around getting laundry done, dishes washed, beds remade and am too tired to think about lunch but I'm hungry.

I talked to my boss yesterday who confirmed that she won't be around next week so I'm on my own again basically, and she mentioned the trip to Greece as well. It looks like I'll be going.

All I want to do is lie down in the cool bedroom strip down and think about Rob. Bf is out for another 45 mins... maybe that's just what I'll do.

Pneumonia and Greece???

My boss has pneumonia.... I've been working non stop, had to cancel private lessons these days too... I've got guests showing up tomorrow afternoon, and I can't even muster the energy to clean the house. There's so much that I need to do.

My boss has pneumonia and that's really a big thing for one massive reason. She organized a trip to Greece with Co-Worker to teach a mini 5 day course on one of the islands there. They were supposed to leave on the 26th to fly over. I'm pretty sure she can't fly that soon after pneumonia (if she recovers that quickly which is unlikely since she is an avid smoker), and this quite possibly will mean that I have to go with Co-worker instead.

Bf will not be happy if I end up going to a Greek island with Co-worker. And I am kinda afraid that the temptation will be strong... very strong. At the moment I don't really want anything to happen. I'm quite happy having kept my distance recently at work but the typical touching that we had in the past is slowly creeping back into our routine now that we're working so closely together these days.
I can't deny that I'm a little worried about it.

thanks

Thanks everyone for such kind words. As much as you guys are reassuring, I know I was not really behaving properly. I do however have the possibility to blame my anxiety for some of it, which hits hard on occasion, and I have a hard time understanding when it's hitting and why. I don't recognize it when I should. I need to learn to figure that out and this last episode has helped me understand more. So next time, hopefully I'll be more aware.

Sunday eve things started to calm in my brain. Monday morning early my boss called up saying she was sick and I had to go in to work alone and do all the lessons she does with me by myself. It was hair-raising and difficult. I was exhausted by 5:30 having to deal with a group of 6 women all on my own from 9 to 5:30. At 6:30 I had a lesson until 7:30 and by evening I was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself. 

I managed to crawl into the shower and crawl back to the couch to watch (the tail end of) Ethan Hawke play Hamlet dubbed into Italian, a very strange combination. But Ethan Hawke is cute so it was worth it.

My anxiety levels are much lower than the weekend luckily. I'm still really exhausted mentally and physically. Hopefully I'll catch up on rest a bit before my guests get here on Thursday, I want to be able to show them around a little. 

coming down.

The anxiety is wearing off. Whether that's because I got a much needed cyber smack in the back of the head from Rob telling me to pull myself together, or whether it's because I went out with friends for dinner (although I doubt it since they had me talking about london non stop). Or because I vented on here and got input or because the weekend is ending and work will take over my time again tomorrow. I'm also exhausted, anxiety and panic wears a person out. It's probably a combination of everything. Luckily, though, this type of crisis doesn't happen too often.

When they do take over, I feel like I'm going crazy, my mind starts working at an unstoppable rate. It's a horrible feeling. I just have to learn to ride it, figure out what I need to do in these situations. I painted today to see if it would pass, I finished the painting, but the feeling didn't pass. Probably getting out with friends would help more, but I don't have much of a selection that I can just call up at will. Today I was lucky.

I feel like I should apologize. I feel like a bit of a freak when I get overwhelmed like this. My reactions are all off, I can't think straight, I end up writing stupid things and risk doing stupid things. I really do need someone to give me a nice smack. I wish my best friend back home could have helped me today. She'd have been good at that but she had to work.

Anyhow, sorry for the freak show, and thanks for listening and helping.