Sunday, October 4, 2009

Hitting Home

I got some information yesterday that has me anxious and on edge.

My boyfriend's family is having severe problems and it's hitting close to home now.

His brother is a married man with three beautiful girls. The youngest girl is about 14, middle is 18 and the oldest is 21. He decided to leave his wife but he didn't do it properly. They haven't ever been really together. But it happened. Kids were had but now he wants out. They never married, they're common-law.

They are all living under the same roof and he is seeing someone else. He obviously doesn't bring her home but the "wife" is having a hugely hard time with it.

His wife has just been admitted for anorexia at the hospital. My brother in law is not taking any responsibility leaving the burden on his daughters. The oldest is trying to struggle with doctors and hospitals, while the youngest cries at the sight of her mother drunk on calming drugs and the middle girl is logical and strong but is anxious and probably not sleeping. She bottles it up and might end up having a panic attack.

When the eldest went to the hospital, she realized they had thrown the mother into an insane asylum for lack of another place to put her (Italy can be superficial sometimes). When she asked the doctors what drugs they were giving her to have her in a drunken stupor, they told her: "drugs to calm her, drops to make her sleep, and something to make her forget all her bad memories".(?!?!?) The eldest daughter of 21 is not stupid, she's young. That is not an excuse to treat her like that.

She got angry at the situation, called the GP and asked him if it was "normal" that her mother was in that situation and that condition. They're transferring her to a specialized centre for Anorexia on Monday.

We've offered to have the youngest come stay with us. but it probably won't happen. The sisters will want to stay together.

The batch of them are going to drive to the new centre on Tuesday. It's not close to here. We'll probably go with them. Doctors won't be confident enough to talk to a 20 yr old about what they're going to do to her mother.

I don't feel much older than her. I'm 31. I dealt with my mother's death when I was 26. It was just my sister and I.

This is going to be tough to help them deal with. We will all suffer with this.


Anonymous said...

hugs!!! This is not an easy situation. I'm guessing yall have tried sitting down with you BF's brother and letting him know his lack of fathering is hurting the children? All you can do is be there for them and support them as best you can. They're lucky to have someone like you and your BF who want to watch out for them. I'll keep them in my thoughts!

dark snow said...

very hard situation really..good luck..

Cande said...

Kitty: We haven't sat down with him. He is a very reasonable man and would probably take some action and help out. But I myself doubt the good it would do to the mother/wife if he is trying to separate from her. Thanks for your thoughts and hugs! They are much needed.

Dark snow: It is indeed, Thanks.

Leonhart said...

Christ. I don't have much of constructive use to add. The healthcare sounds pretty shocking, and the guy is being monumentally selfish. A crap situation all round. One day at a time for this one, I think.

Cande said...

Leonhart: yes. One day at a time is all it will have to be. I'm not sure what's better, whether he should get involved or not. Maybe the doctors will be able to help us on that one.

Advizor said...

Good luck over the next few days. I hope that as you get her in the right treatment facility that you, and her family, can get some clarity on what to do moving forward. Hopefully the doctors will speak honestly and openly to her girls so that they can make good decisions on her behalf.

Sometimes, in these situations, the best thing you can do is to help them understand what kinds of questions to ask, and even volunteer to sit in on the conversation and take notes. None of us remember conversations like this very well, when we're all stressed out and worried about our options. I'm sure you will be a strength to the family.

Cande said...

Advizor: thanks. Those are precious suggestions. I will definitely bring a notepad along to take notes and perhaps make a list of questions to ask.