Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Dreams and reason(ing)

So I had a dream the other night. It was the weirdest sexual dream I've had in a while. Keep in mind that I'm still jet lagged and therefore have these sort of waking dreams that turn into full dreams and then mutuate because I'm half awake again.

I was very turned on before going to bed and was hoping to sex bf up that eve but he fell asleep before I could get to him. But in the wee hours of the morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I started circling my clit. I got this mental image of my clit getting erect and from there it grew into an almost full sized cock... ok to be honest it wasn't full sized, but it was long enough that I could actually hold it in my hand.

I have always wanted to know what it feels like to have a cock. And I think I know now. It was kinda cool. I think I have penis envy a bit... I don't have a brother, but my best friends as a child were always boys and I think I must still have some of that left.

I had some pretty passionate sex the next morning too, it was good of course, it always is when I start it... I feel horrible saying that, but bf just doesn't do foreplay very well. The rest works just fine.

I have however, come to the conclusion that I will be leaving him. I just have to do it. I've talked to way too many people who have talked me into it. And I've heard the same advice so many times now.... but one thing that stood out was this: "If you don't see things getting better in the future, get out now on your own terms, don't wait longer than you have to, it'll be better for you and him. The faster you move on, the faster he can move on and the better it will be for the both of you".

I know. I'm sure I've heard this before, I'm sure someone here has told me this or something along these lines, but this time it hit a chord.

I have a terrible schedule in the next few weeks. My sister is coming to visit next week while I have a week off work and the week after that I'll be working full time again. I'm not sure when I'll manage a break up and move, but I'll have to. I really feel like it's time to move on.

I've been getting back in touch with my best friend back home recently and she has started a sort of illicit correspondence with one of our huge high school crushes that we both had sex with before she got married and I moved out here. She has been sending me copies of both of their emails and I find it fascinating.

The thing that struck me the most was the fact that both he and she call their partners the sun and moon in their lives. I honestly don't feel that way about bf. And I wish I could. I honestly don't think that I love him as much as he deserves to be loved. And if I think about it enough, I may even feel a bit guilty about staying on so long.

On a completely different note, I'm liking the new interface for Blogger, have you guys tried it out yet?
It's something like what Wordpress has got. It does seem a little easier to get around and generally see everything.


Michael said...

I think it is wonderful that you have finally made "the" decision. Keep your certainty of it in mind as time progresses and you begin to have 2nd (3rd? millionth?) thoughts about actually carrying out what you need to do.


Cande said...

absolutely excellent advice, who knows whether the doubts will convince me to stay once again. I am pretty convinced this time...

Johanna said...

Sounds like you've made up your mind... I think Mike is right, you may experience doubts ahead, and it's probably good to be prepared for that.

From what you've told on here it sounds like the right decision... even if you have good times with bf as well I find it hard to picture you reaching that "doubt free" life with him... what I mean is that if you don't break up now, you'll keep thinking about whether to do it, and when to do it, forever. (On the other hand - which long relationship is completely free of doubts...?)

As for the cock envy... well suffice it to say that you're not alone ;-)

Advizor54 said...

a "doubt free life" is a bit of a pipe-dream, but you don't have any doubts that the BF is not going to change, you are certain of that. Instead of focusing doubt, focus on certainties...

You are not fulfilled emotionally or sexually.
You are not reaching yoru goals as an artist with him
You don't see him as a long term partner.

With these certainties in hand, other decisions can be made with more confidence.

We just ant you to be happy, even if you have to go through a rough patch to get there.