Friday, July 27, 2012

Angry and frustrated and Ugh... when will I stop complaining?

There are days where I have a million and one doubts about my relationship with rob.
Fact is that when I'm with him those doubts vanish. It's just anxious insecurities. But they are there, and since he doesn't talk much and because I'm not with him they heighten. They vanish when I can see his face, his eyes... they dissipate. His actions speak a world of information, but without that my anxieties take over much too easily.

The last time we hooked up online he kept telling me how beautiful I was, how radiant. It made me blush. I need to keep moments like that in mind when my insecurities take over. But it's really hard... really, really hard for me to do that while I feel like I'm being avoided (even though my logical mind and even facts tell me it's (probably) not the case.... see my mind what it does?! It puts doubts where there shouldn't be any).

I am in a constant state of anxiety these days. Today is one of those days where I feel really determined to get out of my situation with bf. I actually get angry and motivated. The anger pushes me in directions. The thoughts never really leave my mind ever, they just become more subdued when I'm not angry or anxious.

Right now though, my anxiety and anger are both high and I just don't want to have anything to do with living with someone, or have anything to do with men in general for that matter. I just feel like running around like a mad woman screaming her head off... I guess I'm also frustrated.

Happenings and my brain:

-I've done more on my bubble painting.
-I've been on chatroulette
-A few days ago I met a cute guy (on chatroulette) in the process of direly trying to distract myself from going insane.
-We played games. Like I used to do. It was fun. We laughed a lot.
-My fucked up mind won't shut off.
-I regret not sleeping with Co-worker.
-I think about that more often than I should.
-I contemplate cutting internet off my phone on occasion.
-I feel like I'm going to lose it completely at times.

on a side note:

Two of the blogs I was following have shut down. I've taken them off my reading list. I don't have much left of the blog circle that I had when I started this blog. I'm used to that, things change quickly here and well, I guess I just need to let go and maybe find a new circle.... or let them find me.


Ebony Panther said...

The mind plays tricks sometimes. Distance in a relationship doesn't help. Plus, having other partners involved really throws the mind into a loop. I can understand where you're coming from.
The reson why I sleep with so many women is so that I'll never have to repeat your sentence I regret not sleeping with...I'd rather regret sleeping with them than not. I never live my life saying woulda, coulda, shoulda.
On a side note, you & someone else convinced me to bring back the blog. However, it's going invite only this weekend. I'll send you an invite once I figure that out this weekend. We'll talk. I'm glad you got back on chat.

petunia said...

I think it was wise of you not to get involved with the co-worker. Don't second guess yourself now. He sounds immature and wishy-washy, so pursuing anything with him would be a colossal waste of time.

Michael said...

Agree 100% with Petunia