I am in a weird headspace. It started after my nap today.
Maybe I'm just tired... I'm probably just tired. I went on a massive tour, taking some friends of mine who were here for the day yesterday, to every major monument in my home town in the morning then a 2 hour drive to one of the most famous cities in the world until 10pm and didn't get home until 1 am when I had a shower, said my goodbyes and then collapsed on my bed just to get up at 7 am to go to work.
I worked all morning and then had a 2 hour lesson this afternoon flopped back onto the bed in the scorching heat and fell asleep. I woke up sweaty and hot, horny, wanting cock in my mouth, not anyone's cock, no, just Rob's cock. I wearily got my phone and looked up blowjobs on youporn and promptly got myself off in a half slumber.
The weird thing is that my dreams were layered. They often are. My dreams don't seem to be linear. They layer one thing upon another. My brain seems to be computing more than one thing at once. So my thoughts of Rob and his cock were overlapped with thoughts of artwork, artspace, a studio, practical things.... both sets of images running through my mind at the same time, weaving in and out of each other.
Often I can distinguish a solid train of thought, other times they get terribly confused and interwoven.
As much as I'd like to complain about how much I miss Rob I think I'll stay off that topic. It does contribute to my mood though. This weekend is going to be rough. I think I'll just try to get to the beach as much as possible... just to keep my mind off things. Take my book, sunscreen, beach towel, get on the bus, make eye contact with cute guys at the beach and flirt a little.
I think another part of my mood is based on the strange fact that I've actually gained weight.
I'm thin, I've always been thin. The heaviest I've been is 110 pounds when I was 16. For the past 14 years I've been under 106lbs and while that my seem like an anorexic weight, it's my natural balance.
Three weeks ago I went to put on a pair of trousers that I wore easily last year. When I tried them on, I fit into them but they were slightly tight in the hips. Yesterday I tried on the same pair (only three weeks later) and I couldn't get them on. People have told me that I look like I've gained a little weight and that usually makes me happy, but when I can't wear the clothes I've always worn it frustrates me.
I decided to weigh myself and sure enough I've gained a fair amount of weight for someone who rarely puts on or loses more than 2 pounds in a year. I now weigh 112 lbs. Ok, so that seems like nothing to most people and they are probably right, but when a person my size puts on 6 lbs and can't fit into their jeans it feels like a lot. I guess it is a lot if you think of it in terms of percentage compared to average body weight (don't ask me to do the math on that though... ).
So while I'm somewhat happy to have gained a little weight, I'm also a little worried that I'm going to continue to gain. I get the feeling it has something to do with my new meds so I may have to return to the specialist to see what he says.
My body type is generally lean and relatively thin, I highly doubt my body structure would be able to handle gaining much weight without complications. I'm already having circulation problems that I've rarely had in the past, like my feet, legs and hands swelling in the heat.
Who knows though. Maybe I'm just changing.... maybe it's just my age...