Yesterday as a total fluke I caught Rob online. Bf is now working one weekday per week apart from the usual weekends. I'd caught Rob on Sunday and wasn't expecting to catch him online again so soon. I was just getting some stuff done on the computer and was finishing a telephone call. I was literally going to hang up and text him to let him know I was on when I got his IM.
The conversation lasted quite a while. It was, yet again, a mix of random things, including another question as to when I'd be coming over. Just the thought of it, even now, makes me wet. I told him quite honestly that I didn't know but probably in 2013. We joked about the impossibility of him ever coming here, although as he said he'd like to.
One other thing in the conversation stood out for me (apart from his hard cock at the end). He asked me if we should set a cut off date for our "relationship". When I asked why, he simply said "we need to grow up". Then he suggested 40, so I said "but that's just 5 years from now!". He's 38, it would only be 2 years for him as he quickly pointed out.
Whether he was joking or not is still a mystery to me. I don't think that he meant it seriously, but I think part of him does want to get over me. That's not the right term though. He wants to forget about me might be better. It's not the first time he's brought it up. He brought it up in Birmingham even. The first day we were together there.
There is a part of me that agrees with him, I doubt this thing can go on forever. I'd hate to have to set a cut off date though. It's too.... terminal, too traumatic... too difficult.
I was going to say (but didn't) that we'll cut it off if things don't work out with bf and I after I move, or if I ever get a new bf, but that would be rather selfish of me.
When I sit to think about it I just want to whine and say I don't want it to end.... ever, but that's not practical, is it? Then again love generally isn't practical in its own right.
There is a stupid devil that sits on my shoulder and makes a minor part of me want him to break up with his gf so that I could have him for myself. I know that's not going to happen. I have always promised myself (and him) that I'd never expect that from him. I'm not like that. I want what's best for him as well as myself, but that doesn't stop some part of my heart from wanting it.
It's a bit like something he told me a while back; that there was a part of him that didn't want me to break with my bf because it would mean me finding someone better and then he'd lose me.
I've always said to myself that I'd never get involved with a married man, and here I am basically in that position. And I know, only rarely do they ever leave their wives. I guess this is why women fall for married men.
There never really is that definite no in your heart.
No matter what, you'll always hope.
5 comments:
I've never heard of someone suggesting a "deadline" for a relationship... that sounds a little odd!
As long as I can still get it up, I'm game. And hey, even if my cock stops working, I still have a tongue and fingers. I'll be the stud of my nursing home!
Oh Sweetie, my heart aches with you. You and me, we need to go somewhere with a lot of alcohol and have a really long talk.
All's fair in love and war, Cande. Put yourself first, don't be a do-gooder.
And thanks for your comment on my blog
Just once, it would be nice if stuff like this was easy. The attraction has many purposes, one of the main one is to go onto the next step. With someone married, there is that road block standing in the way, making it all seem illogical.
Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. The best we can do is just try and have fun and cherish those people around us that make our day.
On a lighter note, I had to really laugh at myself because when I saw the title I missed reading that very key preposition "to" which completely changed the meaning "Why Not Get Involved With Married Men?" - I thought it was going to be about the benefits. I read the title again and thought to myself, oh.
I wrote a long comment the other day, but blogger ate it... so I just gave up at that point, but I've been thinking about this. I remember writing that a deadline for a relationship IS odd, I mean as long as it gives more than it takes, why not go on? But after a few days of thinking about this, I think I sort of know what he might have meant: It's good now, and it will always be good now, but in the long run, it takes its toll on the "primary" relationship, or whatever we call it. I've thought about it myself - on some days I feel I owe it to myself to be completely "in the moment" with my husband, to commit 100 %. So I start thinking about ending my online relationship... but then I start thinking of S, and I log on, and he says hi, and I'm all smiles... how can I resist, in that moment? How can I say no to something that adds so much in terms of arousal and affection? Especially now, that I feel I've learned to move between my "two worlds", without letting one affect the other. Maybe a deadline is a solution... but I don't think it's a good one. Haven't really come up with a solution though.
And about the fantasies of what could be, about steps that could be taken, but won't - I can completely relate. The heart doesn't care what the real world has, or hasn't, room for. But don't try to do Rob any favours, and keep in mind that going for what you want the most, though perhaps not what he claims to want the most, is not selfish at all. It's honest, and will give him a clear idea of what his options are.
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