I talked to Rob for a chat this week. It had been a while since we chatted and it was making me edgy. Every time he had time I didn't and vice-versa. Finally the other day we both had time, we had even set up a time. Then I get a call from the bf saying he was at the grocery store getting some stuff. He wanted to stop by after and have lunch, I said yes, but when I realized it meant I couldn't talk to Rob I got frustrated to the point I called the bf making excuses for him not to stay for lunch. The excuses were real motivations, I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to eat lunch, and I told him that him coming made me feel anxious about getting things done before going to work. It was true, but it also meant some time to myself... and Rob.
So he came over dropped some things, stayed 5 mins then left. It probably wasn't the nicest thing for me to do but it was the best solution.
Fact is, no matter how I try to deny or logically talk myself out of it, if I go too long without talking to Rob I get antsy and anxious. I've learned to deal with it over the years (mostly recently). I've learned to control it and not go into overdrive, but it still sucks. So by talking to him I'm able to curb the anxiety. If I hadn't made that time, I could have gone weeks possibly, feeling anxious and frustrated.
Maybe it's an old abandonment issue from when my parents divorced. Or maybe it's a trust thing. Who knows where it comes from but the effects are very real and affect my mood and therefore my everyday life. I wish I could be anxiety free. That would change my life.