Burning

Recently I've been feeling like something inside me is burning, like I'll catch fire if I'm not careful. Like I need to let it all out. Consume it in any and every way possible. Getting more makes me want more. I want to quench it's thirst, with sex, orgasms, eating, reading, pictures, video, cock, cum... It's insatiable.

I don't want it to stop. I'm loving every minute of it. Every single one of my senses seems to be heightened. Tuned to every minor detail. Every touch, makes hairs stand on end, every thought makes blood run faster. Savoring the sour-sweet taste of strawberries, wine, ice-cream and rich spiced curries for dinner, filling my head with aromas to make it whirl.

I can't get enough.

I want more.

I have been thinking about a film I saw years ago. I have no idea what it was called, I think it was foreign but honestly I don't remember much. If anyone knows the name, please let me know. I remember the plot or part of the plot. It was about a young woman who was so passionate, so sexually aroused that she felt like she was burning. She couldn't quench her desire in any way. She was confused and couldn't understand what it was, she would binge on rich foods and fruit to try to calm the sensation.

Her desire eventually forced her to walk out into the night, remove her nightgown and make love to a random stranger, a hunter in the forest.

It ends with her falling in love with a young man. While the two of them make love in the barn the fire ignites within her and both she and the barn catch fire. Like a match on a haystack.

This is exactly how I feel.

It's Official pt. II

Last night I got the chance to talk to Rob. It was a long chat, from about midnight to 4 am. After the first hour it was like 20 questions. I have so many things I want to know. So I just started asking. There wasn't a specific topic, just random things from favourite places to drugs to movies. I learned that he is a perfectionist. I like that, I tend to be too in many things.

While talking about feelings he mentioned being horny. I wanted to help him, and we started talking dirty, about what he'd like me to do. It was another game. I couldn't make statements, just questions. He wanted me on the floor in front of him sucking his cock, talking slutty to him while he was on the couch. Telling him that I liked how big his cock was, how hard it was, how much I loved it, all while looking into his eyes, and finally telling him, not asking him, to cum for me.

As soon as the one-word-mind-fuck conversation climaxed he told me that he needed to have sex with me. I mirrored the message and he finally said that the only way was for him to fuck me. so that I could find out what he's like, then maybe I'd get over it.
I'm not sure I would.
how long do you want to wait? He asked
To do what?
To fuck me.
I didn't need to think, I answered: as little as possible if you just say the word.
Then there was a pause. I held my breath.
"when can you come over again?"
My heart skipped a few beats.
I told him: as soon as I can find a flight, as soon as I have week off from work, as soon as you want me to.
He said that he might want to make me wait till next year.
I don't mind I can wait.
He mentioned a cold, wet season. And when I asked why, he said so that we could spend a weekend inside, just fucking.

I feel calmer now. The not knowing if he wanted me to come or not was slowly getting to me.

He was still horny. So we decided to turn on the cams. I almost fell over. He was looking gorgeous. A black v neck long sleeve shirt, and a pair of khaki bermuda shorts, and what seemed to be a very clean shave. He climbed onto the armrest of the couch and proceeded to pull his cock out. Just watching him reach into his boxers took my breath away. It's huge. I've seen it before, don't get me wrong, but this time was somehow different. I could see it better in perspective to his body. He was beautiful. I could have sat and watched him until morning.

He brought himself to orgasm for me, while I watched in awe with a beautiful close up of the whole event.

It's Official pt. I

There are two things of note I want to mention today. I will break the two topics into two posts.

The first I should mention is that A and I made up. It was much different than our usual arguments. He's getting good at making up. It used to be that the arguments would drag on for days, weeks or even a month. Not talking to each other. I think I have changed too. I used to hold a grudge. I didn't this time. I was also open to suggestions I suppose. A woke me up the other day and just got me wet, wanting, and then he spanked me. When he came (because I didn't for some reason), he kissed me and said, "sei stata un pò cattiva con me, eh?"- "you were a bit mean with me, weren't you?" and I nodded.

This then led to more sex yesterday. It was amazing. It started on the couch, with the patio doors open, it was really hot outside and in, humid, and overcast, it was starting to drizzle. We tried many positions before I settled on top of him, which is the only way I can get off. I have become intensely aware of my body and sensations recently. It was the research I have done on finding my G-spot. His cock was definitely rubbing against it. It was so hot that it was hard to concentrate on cumming. But then he inserted a finger deep inside my ass and that brought me immediately back to reasoning. I could feel it building, his cock rubbing in just the right spot, I held him tight so that it didn't move a millimeter. We both came almost in unison, and with that a massive downpour outside with lightning and thunder, a true tropical storm. Our climaxes boomed with the storm, I moaned loudly. It was crazy.
I jumped up, the rain was beating down into the house, I scrambled to shut the doors and felt the cold rain on my legs.
I ran to the bathroom for my ritual pee and then grabbed my bathing suit and threw myself into the storm. Letting it wash the heat away, I had felt like I was going to catching fire.

The Ex

There are a whole slew of Exs that I need to get out of my system. What better place than a blog, right?

They were all important to me, but I'm going to start with the most important. The one that still has me aching inside.

We met at a party of a mutual friend. Carl didn't want me, he wanted the girl I was with, a pretty redhead. I'm not sure how, but we hooked up later possibly at another party. I was 18 I think, he was a few years older.

The relationship was amazing, we were in love. There was nothing that could interrupt that love. He was an extremely spiritual and open minded person. I was not, he taught me how to collect energy from the universe and to communicate. He told me, on the first night we had sex that if I didn't open myself to him I could forget the relationship. I didn't hesitate although it was difficult. I had been a very shy person.

We decided to go traveling together, to Mexico. Carl had come into some money and wanted to take me with him. It was a 6 month trip. I turned 19 there. We had a bond that was so strong. We could lock together like two pieces of a puzzle. Him inside me and without moving we could both reach orgasm. It's an amazing feeling being so "right" for each other.

Halfway through the trip he asked me to marry him. He even gave me a ring which I obviously accepted and I told him that I did want to marry him.

Then things started to change. I noticed how he looked at other girls from over the rims of his sunglasses. I noticed how he would masturbate alone which made me feel left out of his sexuality. We had been so connected I didn't think he needed it. But I was wrong. I was jealous of this time to himself.

In Mexico I got sick, maybe my appendix, I'll never know. We had to fly back home. He went back to his house and I to mine. It was a horrible feeling, being separated after being together for so long. I offered him to come to my house to live with me and my dad (who didn't have any problems with that), until we could get an apartment of our own. But I think he felt useless not being able to support me like he did in Mexico. So he refused.

I got a call from him sometime around Halloween. He had seen his ex girlfriend and was attracted to her. He asked me if he could sleep with her. Yes. He actually asked me. He didn't want to break it off, he just wanted to sleep with her and get physical.

I told him that he had to make a decision. He had three days to decide whether he wanted to have sex with her or stay in a relationship with me. I couldn't share. I didn't think it was fair.

Halloween night there was a party at his house. I had to work that evening, it was also the deadline for his answer. I should have been at that party. I didn't hear from him all day, I was a mess. The next day I called his place and talked to his brother. I asked his brother if he knew anything about this Ex that Carl told me about. And his brother answered "There's something you two need to talk about". A sharp pain speared me through the heart and I knew something had happened. I talked to Carl he said that he and his ex had kissed. I actually believed him. Until I talked to his other roommate. She told me that there were condoms involved.

I was furious. I yelled, called him names, insulted him. All over the phone. I hated him for hurting me like that. He didn't try to say he was sorry. He just let it sit as it was. I was too angry for his dishonesty, I probably wouldn't have forgiven him if he had apologized.

To this day I regret not telling him to sleep with her. I could have held on to him with a little sacrifice. He is now married in what was an open relationship (that has now changed). And he now has a son. We are in contact through Facebook, but we don't talk much.

I was scarred by this event. I am terrified at the thought of being cheated on.

I'm such a hypocrite considering what I've done to my bf.

Sex from the Past II

As a child I came in contact with a whole range of sexually active girls, masturbation mostly. I wanted to cite a few. One girl was partially crippled, I think her legs were eventually corrected, but initially she couldn't walk properly at all.
This girl in 2nd or 3rd grade elementary school would grind on the corner of her chair in class until she came. I remember it so clearly. She would move back and forth, round and round, until her body stiffened, her hands out in front of her resting on the edge of her desk, fingers bolt straight in a kind of contorted wave. I honestly thought she was going through convulsions. I had only ever seen something similar happen to my uncle who was epileptic.
I eventually found out (from the twin that I played with) that it was actually masturbation.

The other situation was when I was older. Still in elementary school, but in and around grade 5 or 6, I was 10 or 11. There was a girl who had some sort of family problem. Her sister had run off and got into drugs and possibly prostitution really young. I remember going to this girls house where she took me into a room in her basement. Her little white dog followed us and she shut the door behind us.
She told me to lay on the floor, she put a blanket over me, and then she told me to take my pants and trousers off. I was confused. I got up and told her I didn't want to. She insisted and when I refused, she got down on the floor, covered herself with the blanket and took off her jeans and panties.
Then she did something I wasn't expecting. She whistled for the dog. I could hear her slapping a part of her body, and she lifted the blanket so the dog could get under. She was in ecstasy. Her whole body shook. I don't remember when or whether she came. But she then directed me to do the same. I wasn't convinced about the whole thing. But I did. I tried it. She explained how to call the dog. And sure enough it crawled under the blanket and started licking at my pussy.
Honestly speaking, it was amazing to me at the time. I'd never felt anyone's tongue on me. I knew it was wrong and quickly stood up and got dressed, found an excuse and left her place.

I still wonder where she learned the trick. I'm assuming from her sister. I think there were serious problems in that family. This same friend had a baby boy at the age of 15 and died of an overdose around the age of 26. A tragic story. But I still think about her and wonder what was going on for it to get that bad.

Winding down

That was nice.
I had a long chat with Rob. It has calmed me enough that I might be able to get my translation finished for my deadline on Monday (if A doesn't interfere when he gets home).

We talked about our fears. I'm not going back to read the Skype conversation, I want to save it for myself. But he is afraid of me, or better, he's afraid of failure. He says that talk is cheap. It's harder to act out on what has been said. He said that we'd need wine to loosen up. I said that no one said it had to be the same as our chats. It would be a totally different experience.
I told him that I'd plant my mouth on his next time I see him, that should loosen us up. He asked me to promise. So I did. I just wish I knew when it would be.
I told him that I am afraid of guilt, just not my guilt. He thought for a minute and answered that he wasn't afraid of that. I'm still not sure if deep down it's true for either of us. But on the surface I certainly don't care.

He told me that my brain turns him on, the look in my eyes, my smile, my body. I'm not sure he fully understands how much he makes me want him when he says things like that. If only I could jump through the screen.
I feel like I just need a taste, a kiss, a tongue, I want to see, feel and taste what it's like. I'm sure it wouldn't be enough. I'd just want more. I'm greedy.

He made a pendant for his girlfriend. He works well with his hands which is a real turn on for me. He wants to make one for me too. He also promised to send it to me by post along with a few other things he wants to send. Things that he thinks I'll like. I'd much rather receive them in person than by post. But by post is better than not at all so I didn't say anything.

I just wish he'd tell me to get my ass over there. I'd be there on the next (possible) flight over.

I've only ever met one other person this open and honest with me about everything, sex and feelings especially. And that I'm comfortable telling everything to. (I'll have to remember to write a post about him, my most important ex.)

Right. so more "Sex from the Past" to come. A promised HNT pic. Although I'm not in the mood right now I hope to be later this eve.

Where's the point of no return?

Maybe it's because my sister just left. Maybe it's because men can be so complicated sometimes. But I'm a complete mess. I hate arguing with A. A and I always argue hard when my sis is around. I'm not sure why, maybe jealousy. It's always emotionally charged beyond anything normal. Things get so contorted and twisted, just fucked up to the point that I can't figure anything out. It gets dingy and mucky and I try hard not to say things I might regret, but he doesn't. He says awful things that honestly hurt a lot. It's always the same argument too. We can't work it out, even after 11 years together. Today he told me that I must be really unhappy in the relationship.
Am I? I didn't think I was.

This is one of those rants that I should probably avoid on here. But then again I did start this to get stuff off my chest so I guess it comes with the territory.
Sorry