Sunday, August 2, 2009

The Ex

There are a whole slew of Exs that I need to get out of my system. What better place than a blog, right?

They were all important to me, but I'm going to start with the most important. The one that still has me aching inside.

We met at a party of a mutual friend. Carl didn't want me, he wanted the girl I was with, a pretty redhead. I'm not sure how, but we hooked up later possibly at another party. I was 18 I think, he was a few years older.

The relationship was amazing, we were in love. There was nothing that could interrupt that love. He was an extremely spiritual and open minded person. I was not, he taught me how to collect energy from the universe and to communicate. He told me, on the first night we had sex that if I didn't open myself to him I could forget the relationship. I didn't hesitate although it was difficult. I had been a very shy person.

We decided to go traveling together, to Mexico. Carl had come into some money and wanted to take me with him. It was a 6 month trip. I turned 19 there. We had a bond that was so strong. We could lock together like two pieces of a puzzle. Him inside me and without moving we could both reach orgasm. It's an amazing feeling being so "right" for each other.

Halfway through the trip he asked me to marry him. He even gave me a ring which I obviously accepted and I told him that I did want to marry him.

Then things started to change. I noticed how he looked at other girls from over the rims of his sunglasses. I noticed how he would masturbate alone which made me feel left out of his sexuality. We had been so connected I didn't think he needed it. But I was wrong. I was jealous of this time to himself.

In Mexico I got sick, maybe my appendix, I'll never know. We had to fly back home. He went back to his house and I to mine. It was a horrible feeling, being separated after being together for so long. I offered him to come to my house to live with me and my dad (who didn't have any problems with that), until we could get an apartment of our own. But I think he felt useless not being able to support me like he did in Mexico. So he refused.

I got a call from him sometime around Halloween. He had seen his ex girlfriend and was attracted to her. He asked me if he could sleep with her. Yes. He actually asked me. He didn't want to break it off, he just wanted to sleep with her and get physical.

I told him that he had to make a decision. He had three days to decide whether he wanted to have sex with her or stay in a relationship with me. I couldn't share. I didn't think it was fair.

Halloween night there was a party at his house. I had to work that evening, it was also the deadline for his answer. I should have been at that party. I didn't hear from him all day, I was a mess. The next day I called his place and talked to his brother. I asked his brother if he knew anything about this Ex that Carl told me about. And his brother answered "There's something you two need to talk about". A sharp pain speared me through the heart and I knew something had happened. I talked to Carl he said that he and his ex had kissed. I actually believed him. Until I talked to his other roommate. She told me that there were condoms involved.

I was furious. I yelled, called him names, insulted him. All over the phone. I hated him for hurting me like that. He didn't try to say he was sorry. He just let it sit as it was. I was too angry for his dishonesty, I probably wouldn't have forgiven him if he had apologized.

To this day I regret not telling him to sleep with her. I could have held on to him with a little sacrifice. He is now married in what was an open relationship (that has now changed). And he now has a son. We are in contact through Facebook, but we don't talk much.

I was scarred by this event. I am terrified at the thought of being cheated on.

I'm such a hypocrite considering what I've done to my bf.


Leonhart said...

Well, if you can't cope with the idea of who you are with having sex with someone else, you made the right decision. For the record, I think that's considered normal.

The hypocrite part is something you're going to have to wrestle with.

Cande said...

I still regret it. I know it was the right decision... deep down, but I can't help but regret it.

I don't wrestle with the hypocrite much, unless I write about this stuff. then it hits me.