Better

I'm feeling a little better today. Yesterday I spent most of the day trying desperately not to cry and being mostly unsuccessful. I even got hugs from people at work as I burst in to tears there, it was a stressful day. Not only that but things with the bf were getting to me and things were piling up.

The bf was better about the whole situation yesterday and today. He came with me to the hospital briefly today. I didn't stay long either mind you. She seemed to be in good spirits but that's likely a show. She's not really ok. We know that.

At work the CoW walked up to me, real close, looked me straight in the eye about 4 inches away and said that I was 'super beautiful today' and continued to say 'but yesterday...' and didn't finish his sentence. He was brushing up, touching my hand and jokingly inviting me into one of the back rooms at work today too. it was a nice distraction. It's funny how he finds me super attractive at my lowest point. Maybe he's attracted to my vulnerability.

I invited CoW out for drinks today since we have a student of ours from our trip to Corfu who is in town. He said he might come if I promised not to seduce him. When I told him that I promised, he said he didn't trust me. He was working so the texts stopped and eventually got back to me saying that the appointment was too late and that he couldn't make it, he had to get home to his family.

I got a care package from home today too. That definitely cheered me up. It had all sorts of things that I love from people I love. It was heartwarming. It's times like these that I really miss my friends back home and wish I could just meet up for coffee or spend a weekend on a tiny island curled up on a couch with my best friend.

As regards to the bf there's all sorts of stuff I need to work through and that we both need to work through together. He said some things the other day that later, thinking back, made me really angry. I've put them aside for now but we really need to talk. Things are so busy though that we've barely been able to meet up. Yesterday I had the whole afternoon free but I was too angry and too upset to be able to deal with anything. It will be the project for this weekend.

Hey World..... FUCK OFF

Today is not a good day. I am overwhelmed with frustration, anger, anxiety, hatred, sadness, desperation and helplessness. There are too many negative and complicated things going on and as usual, all at the same time.

I feel like telling the world to FUCK OFF and I feel like crawling under the sheets and curling up in the foetal position and staying there until the world decides to fix things.

Remember this post? Well she tried suicide again. This time though she's calling out for me. She's insisting I come to see her in the psyche ward. She called her mother frantically, desperate to see me. Her mother in tears on the phone to me begging me to help her.

The bf is barely taking an interest so to speak. I understand his distance, I accept it, and I almost agree with it, but at the same time I'm left stuck in the middle. He has no comforting words for me after I've had to see her in piteous conditions numerous times and that bothers me. I feel like slapping him into reason. I feel like forcing him to deal with the emotions. I can barely talk to him about it. He doesn't want to listen. I'm just so angry with everyone. Irrational, I'm sure... but it's the only emotion that keeps me sane right now. All the men in the family, the bf, the girl's father, their other brother are so fucking incapable with their emotions its incredible. I'd like to kick them all in the nuts and tell them to get their fucking acts together.

What next?

Who are you sleeping with?

Would I stay with the bf if I found out he's cheated on me? Would I forgive him? Would I turn things around myself and make another serious go of our relationship? 

We had a discussion the other day. It was about sex and the lack thereof. He blames me. Maybe it's true. It doesn't feel true but maybe it is. 

We've had this discussion before, and the ugly part is he brings up sleeping with other women each time. Both prostitutes and simply other women. I don't think it's fair. He asks me what I'd do if he were sleeping with someone. Or he says that all sorts of men can't go a week without sex and would resort to a prostitute. 

It feels like threats. Or maybe he's testing the water to see what would happen if he admitted it. 

I feel, right now, that I don't trust him. I feel like he's sleeping with others and maybe it's been the case for a long time. Possibly longer than my thing with Rob. 

It's a gut feeling tightly connected to the fact that he mentioned it. And to the fact that he's been shaving his cock and pits for 2 years. If we aren't having sex, or only rarely, why shave? And why even start now? 

This fear of him having been with others scares me out of having sex with him too.  The thought of not knowing where his cock has been scares me. 

Maybe I'm projecting though. Entirely possible. 

I also feel somewhat justified for not engaging in sex with him... A woman's logic is a spectacular thing....I feel like since he refused to even consider a family with me that sex and our relationship can be on my back burner. Why should I invest energy if he won't. 

Do I expect too much? Probably. And my logic isn't exactly sound, I know. I'm totally aware of my double standards too. 

Question is, now what?

Do I confront him with my questions and my trust issues or just try to go along with our new plan to fix the sex, putting everything else behind me? 

Curbing the Anxiety

Spring is in the air. Maybe it's even summer, it's hot here today. It's sunny and all I want is to sit in the sun and lounge around or go for walks. It also means my mood is improving. Winter makes me a little lethargic and wanting to hide from the fog and rain in a warm, cozy cave.

I talked to Rob for a chat this week. It had been a while since we chatted and it was making me edgy. Every time he had time I didn't and vice-versa. Finally the other day we both had time, we had even set up a time. Then I get a call from the bf saying he was at the grocery store getting some stuff. He wanted to stop by after and have lunch, I said yes, but when I realized it meant I couldn't talk to Rob I got frustrated to the point I called the bf making excuses for him not to stay for lunch. The excuses were real motivations, I wasn't feeling well, I didn't want to eat lunch, and I told him that him coming made me feel anxious about getting things done before going to work. It was true, but it also meant some time to myself... and Rob.

So he came over dropped some things, stayed 5 mins then left. It probably wasn't the nicest thing for me to do but it was the best solution. 

Fact is, no matter how I try to deny or logically talk myself out of it, if I go too long without talking to Rob I get antsy and anxious. I've learned to deal with it over the years (mostly recently). I've learned to control it and not go into overdrive, but it still sucks. So by talking to him I'm able to curb the anxiety. If I hadn't made that time, I could have gone weeks possibly, feeling anxious and frustrated.

Maybe it's an old abandonment issue from when my parents divorced. Or maybe it's a trust thing. Who knows where it comes from but the effects are very real and affect my mood and therefore my everyday life. I wish I could be anxiety free. That would change my life.

Neighbour update

So I've kept my eye on my neighbour's posts and they've all been public since that day. 

I went back to look at the posts I imagine were aimed at me a couple times but no one commented or 'liked' them. Today I went back to check again and the three main posts were gone: the poem, the French post and the QR code. 

The post about pizza vs marshmallows and the 'feeling creative' posts were still up. They were the only ones I'd acknowledged by liking. This some how tells me they were for me. The fact he didn't delete those posts makes it pretty clear. 

Now I'm starting to feel bad for his gf. I won't tell her, I have no proof or certainty but he's a total jerk at this point. Right? He knows we've become friends and he tries to come on to me?! 

My Neighbor might be (stalking is too strong a word) me.

I think the neighbour I mentioned in my last post is trying to hit on me/stalk me.

I'm not sure but after that last bravado of finding my YouTube channel I kept my eyes open for signs. 

Today on fb he edited his posts from 'publicly shared' to 'custom shared', the custom ones seemed to be either somehow connected to something I posted or I got the sinking feeling they were meant for me. The most obvious was when I posted about eating marshmallows and he posted a challenge between pizza and marshmallows. I happened to 'like' his post knowing it was aimed at me, I avoided commenting even though I didn't have my hunches yet. 

When he didn't get a comment (from me) he wrote his own comment, repeating the challenge with the phrase "I wonder which is better, pizzas or marshmallows". I ignored that too.  

Then he posted a quote from a poem by Garcia: to burn with desire and keep silent about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves. (Again with a custom post)

I didn't like or comment on that one and later he posted a 'custom'/non public status update with the following phrase in French: Il est pas bien (it isn't good).

He also 'custom' posted a QR code. When I started to put two and two together I checked what the QR code was and it turned out to be his contact info including his phone number and email. 

His last attempt (at gaining my attention I think) was a post simply saying "wanting to get creative" with little camera emoticons. 

It seems obvious to me but it's not overly obvious considering he didn't send me private messages. His status updates up to this point have ALL been shared publicly, but this evening they were all 'custom' and no one else liked or commented on any of them. Fact is you can see a post is 'custom shared' but there's no way to tell who the person is sharing with. It could be that just one person is out of the loop, or it could be privately shared with just one or a few people.

I think it all started yesterday too, his first custom post ever was the phrase "what am I going to eat for dinner tomorrow?" No one answered, I didn't 'like' the post, I paid no attention to it whatsoever. But now... now I'm wondering whether he was hinting that his gf was going to be away for the evening.

I just hope, and I'm pretty sure, he hasn't found this blog. I've kept an eye on my stat counter and can't see any hits from here apart from myself. This, of course, unless he has an ip bouncing program like netshade or something. 

It's kinda creepy, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there's an explanation, maybe all those posts weren't JUST for me, maybe tomorrow there will be comments from others. Maybe his girlfriend will comment. They'd be noticed by her, especially the poem post.... right???

Crap I just noticed he's following me on instagram too... though that is more logical seeing as it's through fb contacts. 

The weirdest thing is that I have barely talked to the guy. In the year I've been living here I've seen him maybe 5 times, and talked to him at length just once when their washing machine broke and flooded our basement. I was down helping them shovel water. He barely says hello when I see him. He's EXTREMELY shy or something.

Google Fucking Plus Bullshit Solved.

I don't know if anyone else has been having problems with Google+ but here's my story and what I've done about it.

________


Today something really annoying happened and it's not the first time. However, I think I've solved the problem.

Since I moved into my new place I've made friends with my new neighbours. They're cool people. I like the woman, I don't know the guy at all except through the occasional post on FB. Buuut he's a little odd. He hasn't posted anything odd mind you, it's just that he seems to 'like' and notice everything I do on fb, he has also initiated chats more than once on there but in real life he's barely capable of saying hello. I just imagined he was very shy. I'm sure that's the case. He seems nice enough, even if a little stalkerish.

What was really weird and kinda annoyed me is that he somehow found my youtube page. Now consider we're only connected through fb. My fb is a seperate email, it's a hotmail account that I NEVER use, but it does use my full first and last name. And I definitely don't go publishing my youtube videos to fb. NONE of my friends know about my youtube page.

The ONLY way I can think he found me was by searching for my first and last name on google+. That account, my Youtube account is/(was) only (and annoyingly) visible on my google+ account (which I never really wanted) which is/(WAS!) in turn connected to my everyday gmail account.
Youtube forced people to meld their google accounts at some point.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. I've had a blogger friend also get to my normal life youtube account through my Cande google+. WTF?!?

So my solution, ELIMINATE GOOGLE PLUS, it's a fucking nightmare to delete though. It was impossible to figure out. I FINALLY managed it. I found where to delete it and now I have no google+ on any of my gmail accounts. It was slowly but surely linking my Cande-Gina profile with my real life profile. It was suggesting people from my blogger life to people in my real life and vice versa. Very bad. VERY VERY BAD.

Fucking google.

Now I'm free. I don't have to worry about it anymore. And despite what you might think. It doesn't affect your original youtube account, as long as you had an alias before you started. It won't delete your email account, and it won't delete your blogger profile. It just affects/deletes your google+ feed.

W00T!