Mirror

I had crazy amazing sex with the bf today.... It went on for ages. It was the type of sex that makes you think HHHhhhoooOOOoolyyyyy FFfffuuuuucccckkkk.

We've been on edge and sort of bikering lately. I've been horny as hell with the heat here as well but wasn't getting any from him. Not the slightest interest in me.

He came home from the beach this eve and we were still in a bickering mood, but he came over and hugged me at one point. Then the phone rang, and as he talked his hand slid under my skirt to find I had no panties on. He pulled me closer to grind his cock into my pelvic bone, his hand slipping between my wet lips.

He spoke on the phone while I grabbed at his hard cock... he tried to cut the conversation short and when he finally did he took a chair from the dining table in one hand, my hand in the other and pulled us both towards the full length mirror we have in the hall.... (the one I took the last pics in).

He sat down, and he pulled me onto him, both of us facing the mirror. He pulled my dress up spread my legs, my lips and fingered me, watching every move in the mirror. His hand slid up pulling my dress up, exposing me my breasts. It was too hot to fight with it, I threw the dress off to be completely naked, he dropped his shorts and plunged his cock deep into me fast.

The fucking went on for ages, there was a lot of me stimulating my clit because being fucked from behind there generally is no natural clitoral stimulation. We must have changed positions 20 times, it was mostly him fucking me from behind. But then he got the idea that he wanted to slip into my ass.... so I grabbed the lube and slowly accommodated him.... it was amazing how good it felt. I forget how good it can be. Luckily he's not huge, otherwise.... um.... I'm sure it would hurt.

He pounded me standing, legs spread in front of the mirror, hands on either side on the wall. When my legs started to give he sat with me on top of him, I worked my clit, dipping an occasional finger in. And then I turned to face him, slipped him back into my ass and ground down hard.

When I came, I came harder than I remember coming in ages. He was still fucking my ass, me facing him, I would turn and watch his cock slide into my ass, as he spread my cheeks.... Now I've never seen myself being fucked in the ass before but I have to admit that it was HOT.... I mean damn.... if I may say so myself. I leaned back at one point, I couldn't reach my clit well enough I guess, but I leaned, he pushed a finger into my pussy and I went furiously to work on my clit and I came. Hard and long.

He took a break in the washroom to rinse off and I ran in to douse myself in cold water. We were sweating like crazy, consider it's 35 degrees here. I asked him what he wanted to do, he never knows what to answer when I ask him that. He just answered with an "I don't know" and proceeded to help himself so I dropped to my knees took him in my mouth, looked up at him as he came all over my tits.

Ahhh then a cold shower. Soooo nice. We both jumped in, he rinsed quickly then left me to wash properly. My legs are sore.... no doubt my legs will hurt tomorrow.... but it was definitely worth it.

When?

I had a fun email talk with Rob yesterday it was short and sweet as it always is with him. It started with me texting him to ask if he knew how to swim. It's funny we've known each other for ages but there are random things I don't know about him. I was at the beach and was thinking about how he hates the beach, which made me think of the random question.
Then I got to thinking about something he had said a while back and decided to send him an email to ask about it. The answer was short and simple and really didn't answer the question. But I accepted it, it's just the epitome of men I think: short, super simple and often not as detailed as a woman would like.

When I answered with a laugh and calling him my nickname for him, he answered with "When are you going to swallow my cum again?"

It was something that technically he's not allowed to ask yet... or, well, I guess he is. See, While in Birm he asked me if it would be the last time, I think slightly hopefully that I'd say yes. I said that he couldn't ask me to make that decision right then. It was the first day and right after we'd had sex. I did also hypothesize that it probably wouldn't be the last time for me, but that ultimately it was a decision he had to make on his own.

Not too long ago (maybe two months ago) he asked me when I was coming to see him, and I told him that he wasn't allowed to ask me that yet it was too soon.... It's only been what, 4 months??

So when he asked this time I answered "When you want" and then came back with the question "when are you going to lick my clit again?". As I expected he didn't answer.

At times I wonder if deep down he doesn't want to go through with another meeting, hence the question in Birm. I wonder if he wanted me to say that "yes it would be the last time" in Birm... I think though that he knows I'd never break it off so the question is sort of 'safe', in a sense.

I think at times we've both contemplated stopping. When I was back from London I could have easily let go. I'm not sure exactly why. All I know is I was feeling so sure of my love for him that I felt I could let go of him and survive. But after a month, that sensation of simplicity and ease evaporated and I'm back to the craving I've always had for him.

I suppose you can't erase over 10 years (the length of time we've known each other) of that feeling. Even if we were living together I think I'd somehow need it.... It's my fuel.

This is also part of the reason why I say I'm not fit for any relationship. I constantly need *something*.... it's just hard for me to put a finger on what it is that would make me *whole* and not need anything at all.

Speak

So I met Rob online today, it was pure chance though, he wasn't expecting me to be free and I wasn't expecting him to be online. It was a quick getting me off, although I had just gotten myself off not 10 minutes before he texted me. I was expecting the bf to be back at any minute too so it was sort of naughty and dangerous. Thankfully the bf didn't come back and I got off quick while Rob just watched.

Fact is that he wants me to talk, and I want to learn to talk but I don't know what I should say. I sometimes know what I'd like to say but I get so f#@ing shy that I can't get a word out.

I'm not sure how to go about training myself either, because I want to overcome this thing. I'm not even sure why I fear speaking so much.

There have been times when I could get some things out.... but it sort of stops there. I need help.... any suggestions?

Serious ones....

What do men like to hear?

Worried...

I'm worried.  The artist/musician that I've mentioned in posts before, the one whose blog I stumbled on a while back now, has broken up with his "new" girlfriend. He has been drawing and posting his pictures on FB but they are manic and very depressive, some (one in specific) alluding to suicide.

Today though, on his blog, he wrote a simple sentence finishing with "you killed me". I just hope he hasn't done anything stupid.

I think I may be the only person that knows him who reads his blog. He wrote the post at 2am this morning local time west coast North America. It's now late morning and there's been no sign of him on FB.... could be normal I suppose... It's Saturday.

Man... I have no way of getting in touch with anyone around him apart from sending emails or private messages on FB to his friends.... I doubt that's the thing to do.

I guess I'll just wait.... and see what happens.

Here's to hoping.

**update, he's fine... He posted on fb... Ugh.. Thank goodness. **

40 Degree heat

Rob
Bf was away for two nights. He just got back. It was nice to be alone for a bit, again. I got the chance to talk to some old friends. I was hoping to catch Rob and make him get me off. He sent me an email, saying that he'd be on this morning. He texted to tell me he was on right when bf got home. Luckily bf had to go straight out and will be out until evening.

So we hooked up on Skype. He talked to me, looked me in the eyes, told me about how he fucked me, how I'd swallowed his cum, how his warm cum covered my face, how he slipped his fingers inside me and stroked my g-spot.... how he spanked me, fucked me from behind, licked me while he stared into my eyes.
I came and came again, and then he asked me if we could cum together. And we did.

I realize though that I've been overwhelmed by a need for him that is much stronger than it should be. I need to feel the same reassuring calmness that I felt when I got back from London. The drug like craving was gone... that's the only thing I can compare it to, a frantic need. When I got back from London it was so much easier. I didn't feel that, I didn't feel the urge to get in touch constantly. I didn't crave his emails, his texts, his presence on Skype. I was at ease about everything, I was calm.... How do I get that back without seeing him?

Co-Worker
He's been pretty good these days. I often don't get things with him. But I'm trying to stop paying too much attention to it. Yesterday I wore an asymmetrical top that had just one shoulder. He told me to cover my shoulder. He called my name, stared me straight in the eyes and (fake) shyly showed me his middle finger as he would do in Greece.
Today he repeated the middle finger trick, but then giggled a little boy giggle and head butted my shoulder..... WTF??

I don't really care but I can't really ignore it. I generally don't play along much though. I smile or laugh and say thanks and walk away. I don't know how to react. So I just walk away from the situation. I suppose I get a little flustered and have difficulty thinking of good answers.

I know, it's never going to change... he's not going to give in, and neither am I, but I think about it...There's this step that I sit on where we work, I sit and talk to the others who are working, and If he stands next to me, which is common, he is at a perfect height to go down on. The urge is so strong sometimes. I fantasize about it on occasion. That... or the small work closet that we sometimes end up in together, it's small, it has a dirty work table. I was in there the other day when he came in to wash something. The table faces away from the sink, I was doing something on the table my back turned to him. Another recurring fantasy is that he comes up behind me in there and wraps his hands around me.... bites my neck and runs his hand up my skirt.

With my urgent need for Rob these days I think I look for distractions too. So fantasies about the Co-Worker are easier, they keep my mind off Rob a bit. Substitutions, distractions. They feel like cheating. I feel guiltier about it than cheating on my bf....  heh, how does that work?

500 POST - HNTribute

500 POST PARTAY!

As a celebration for my 500 (most published some not) posts I am doing a tribute to HNT.
Alas HNT doesn't exist anymore, I miss it as I'm sure many of you do.

There are three pics total. Have fun on the hunt!

These pics were taken during my masquerade mentioned in the last two posts. 

My last post "What She Wants" describes it best.

Please don't post the answers to where they are in the comments :D 

p.s. if you are using your phone only the third pic may be difficult to access. If so contact me and I'll help you out.

What She Wants

The trick is to drag it out as slowly as possible. I'm sure it's the same for most people but I make a ritual of it when the bf isn't home. I wish he would make a ritual of it at times. Not always, just on occasion. I crave ritual. It makes me wet. I just love the anticipation and the build-up.

Today, for example, it started with putting on make-up. I never, or rarely wear any make-up in public. I love playing with it though. I love mixing and creating on my own face. It's a bit like a blank canvas.

Today it was the dirty blond with smokey eyes and dark red lips that came out to play. I needed someone agressive and naughty. I have been in a shitty mood, had arguments with the bf and am feeling a little weak. So The dominatrix came out to play today, the woman who would whip you, tie you up and make you beg to have her suck your cock.

She's a slut, but would pin you to the wall by your neck if you told her that to her face. Then, she might go down on you.

She wears knee high black leather boots, corsets and black lace panties. Her hair is worn high on her head in a savage, messy ponytail that cascades onto her shoulders.

She wants a fight and she picks one specifically to get you to try to dominate her. She wants to wrestle and force you to take over. She wants to put up a fight while you pin her to the table and take out your agression on her body.

She's angry and her only desire is to be fucked into submission. She wants to be fucked with everything you've got to give her. She wants your cock so deep inside her that it makes her eyes water. She expects her mouth to be fucked so deep she can't breathe, so she comes up gasping for air. She wants your hand around her ponytail pulling and forcing her head back and obviously forth. She will run her blood red nails down your legs, scratching to make you stop but expects you to continue.

She wants to be misused, abused and treated like hell and she will try to do the same to you. She will put up a fight, because it's the fight she's after. It's what makes her cum.