When?

I had a fun email talk with Rob yesterday it was short and sweet as it always is with him. It started with me texting him to ask if he knew how to swim. It's funny we've known each other for ages but there are random things I don't know about him. I was at the beach and was thinking about how he hates the beach, which made me think of the random question.
Then I got to thinking about something he had said a while back and decided to send him an email to ask about it. The answer was short and simple and really didn't answer the question. But I accepted it, it's just the epitome of men I think: short, super simple and often not as detailed as a woman would like.

When I answered with a laugh and calling him my nickname for him, he answered with "When are you going to swallow my cum again?"

It was something that technically he's not allowed to ask yet... or, well, I guess he is. See, While in Birm he asked me if it would be the last time, I think slightly hopefully that I'd say yes. I said that he couldn't ask me to make that decision right then. It was the first day and right after we'd had sex. I did also hypothesize that it probably wouldn't be the last time for me, but that ultimately it was a decision he had to make on his own.

Not too long ago (maybe two months ago) he asked me when I was coming to see him, and I told him that he wasn't allowed to ask me that yet it was too soon.... It's only been what, 4 months??

So when he asked this time I answered "When you want" and then came back with the question "when are you going to lick my clit again?". As I expected he didn't answer.

At times I wonder if deep down he doesn't want to go through with another meeting, hence the question in Birm. I wonder if he wanted me to say that "yes it would be the last time" in Birm... I think though that he knows I'd never break it off so the question is sort of 'safe', in a sense.

I think at times we've both contemplated stopping. When I was back from London I could have easily let go. I'm not sure exactly why. All I know is I was feeling so sure of my love for him that I felt I could let go of him and survive. But after a month, that sensation of simplicity and ease evaporated and I'm back to the craving I've always had for him.

I suppose you can't erase over 10 years (the length of time we've known each other) of that feeling. Even if we were living together I think I'd somehow need it.... It's my fuel.

This is also part of the reason why I say I'm not fit for any relationship. I constantly need *something*.... it's just hard for me to put a finger on what it is that would make me *whole* and not need anything at all.