Wednesday, June 17, 2009

10 years of my life

I need to get something straight: I have been with the same guy for over 10 years. He's Italian. I kinda ended up living with him by chance. It wasn't really a choice. We had a scary, hellish first year, but we learned to love each other, like an arranged marriage. There are times when I think to myself that I love him, I can't live without him. Other times when I jut wish he'd disappear.

The sex is good when we have it. It's very traditional most of the time. But I love a little pain. I like the thrill of being tied up, being teased. And he doesn't give that to me.

I find myself looking at other guys. I fantasize about other men. I have cheated on my man. With an old flame from Canada.

I feel like I'm running out of time for this kind of thing.

Do I feel guilty?

Should I go ahead with fantasies?
Probably not.

Will I go ahead with my fantasies?
Probably at some point.

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