Saturday, January 19, 2013


I think she felt like she got it all wrong. The counsellor's hands went to her hair when I told her that I had kept bf in the dark about the apartment hunt.

We talked, it was semi-useful, but I didn't get what I went for really. Or maybe I did and I just don't see it yet.
I was expecting advice in how to proceed with the bf. She did give me a lot of advice but it was, in my humble opinion, all wrong. She told me to simulate my decision making process all over again but verbally with bf. So to tell him that I'm thinking about getting a place, then after a while tell him that I'm going to look at some places, then tell him that I've found a place after another while...

Doesn't make sense to me, I might have just as well done that from the beginning, I can't rightly simulate it all now.

No, I think I'll just have to out it plain and simple.

She did give me some good pointers though. She said it's important that I keep the conversation focused on me and my stuff, to keep blame out of it completely, if anything is said regarding bf it should be positive and praising. She was adamant that I tell him I have friends and family supporting me and helping me, so that he doesn't feel the urge or possibility to help. She said that his need to help me is a control tactic. I didn't realize that but now that she mentions it, it makes sense. (I give in to that a lot, I possibly (probably) put that out as well, in that I look for men who want to help).

She also said that I have unconsciously adapted to bf and the silent choices he has made for himself. I never really harped on him to get a better job or to get more financial stability to buy a house or anything like that (apparently most Italian women would have). I could use that to my favor and tell him that he will need to adapt to my needs right now. Or rather that I need to concentrate on what I want out of my life.

She was helpful regarding the agency too, she said that if I'm really interested in the apartment to call them and tell them that outright and tell them that I'll bring the money by soon.

So I guess that's the plan.
Call the agency and let them know without paying immediately.
Within the next couple of days I'll tell him.

It is going to take some time I think. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to manage it, but I will.


Johanna said...

I think you're right to doubt your counsellor on this.

I do think though that she has told you something important: the concept of not talking openly about the process you've gone through is hard to stomach for many, and you'll have to be aware that bf will have two major issues to deal with. First, that you're moving out, and second, that you've organized it during quite some time behind his back. I think you will need to understand how he might see this as a betrayal big time, and address it. You'll need to explain it, focusing on your own needs and not on his behaviour, just like your counsellor pointed out. How you were afraid that you wouldn't be able to stick with your plan if you talked with him about it first, and how you think this would not have been in your best interest. Tell him you understand that you've hurt him, and apologize for it.

I'm not saying I think you did the wrong thing - on the contrary. You tried talking it through with him, and that didn't work out so well. So you went about it another way, which I think proves that you're strong, smart, and that you've started focusing on your own needs. Unfortunately, doing it in a way that would not hurt bf at all has not been possible.

I do think however that you might be better off not telling him just how long you've been organizing this... maybe lie a little and say that you made a decision a little while ago, and that you happened to find a flat that suited you after a rather short time...

Best of luck Cande

Advizor54 said...

i don't thing simulating the decision making process will work either. It's so hard to do it. either you let something slip that gives it away or it happens too fast or he tries to talk you out of it when a decision is already made, and all of it, when it goes bad, will make him feel like a fool, like he's been tricked. he'll already feel hurt that you kept it from him, so adding another layer to that won't help either.

I do like taking a positive approach, talking about how this will help you, appreciating all the things he's done, indicating that your aren't breaking up with him. He won't believe it, but, like starting a long-distance relationship, everyone knows the end from the beginning, but no one wants to say it.

I'm a big believer in ripping off the bandage once and for all and then letting the scab heal. Teasing this out much longer will be bad for your stress, will be come glaringly obvious to him, and no good for anyone.

Put down the money, set a date, have the conversation, and know that, in our small way, we are all out here for you.