Sunday, January 20, 2013

I've told him.

Today he woke me up at 9 because yesterday I'd told him that we could go to one of the malls for the sales today.

Once I was up I was determined to just spit it out. When got to him, he was sitting at the computer, he turned immediately to ask me for help so I sat down and helped him with what he was trying to do.

I kept finding a moment that I could tell him but nothing would come out.

When I sat in the spare room with the cat that visits us, he came in and stroked my face saying that I had an odd look on my face this morning. He asked me what was wrong and I just spilled the beans.

The first thing he said was "you decided without me?", then he asked how long ago I'd seen the apartment. The truth came out, but it was an altered version of the truth.

I never got into how many apartments I'd seen. I just said that I'd stopped in with an agency ages ago and hadn't heard back from them until 2 weeks ago, which is the truth. I contacted the agency months ago, during the summer, and they only showed me one other apartment in september. So in effect I hadn't heard from them in ages.

I told him that I saw the apartment twice, that the first time I wasn't sure about it, and with the second viewing I'd made up my mind. I also told him that I hadn't told him about the first viewing because I wanted to be sure of myself before going to him with it. I openly told him that I didn't know how he was going to react, whether he was going to try to talk me out of it which is why I hadn't come to him with it before. He wasn't entirely hurt that I hadn't told him, he understood. I asked him if he was upset, and he said "goodness no", but he did say that he had hoped that we could have faced it together.

I asked him what he thought he might do, and he reminded me that he had only just found out so he needed to think about it. He mentioned he'd seen a place advertised that he could afford a while back. Which means he'd been looking too.

One of the first things he said was that he was expecting it. It wasn't much of a surprise. He also said that it was probably for the best, he said that he found things a little precarious considering I'd made my mind up a while back, he knew I wouldn't change my mind that easily.

We talked a little about the cost of the place and the layout, but he didn't ask a lot of questions. He just said that I'd have to work to maintain it. That if I set my mind on working that I'd be able to pull it off. I guess he was trying to be reassuring.

At this point I don't know whether he thinks we're splitting up or not. He pecked me on the cheek (I have a cold sore right now) before going to work so he's not upset, perhaps shaken, but not upset or angry. I'm shaken too. I feel like crying but I haven't cried. I don't think I will until perhaps I talk about it in person with someone... and even then maybe nothing will happen.

I won't get into relationship stuff with him right now. I don't want to know, I want to see how things proceed. I want to let things evolve naturally. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to leave it though, because people will ask questions once the news gets out.

I haven't abandoned the theory that he might have something on the side, I've even considered outright asking him, though I won't. I don't know if it's an outright affair, but possibly someone he has his eyes on. It could be another reason why he accepted things so easily.


Michael said...

Wow! This is truly big news. Congratulations. I'm very proud of you. I think you are quite right to let everything else find its natural state. Get on with the apartment and get the move over with. Undoubtedly there are going to be tension filled days ahead, but this was the big one. It's done, and it went well. You are on your way. I'm so happy for you.


rachel-xx said...

I read your post yesterday but simply did not have time to respond. I had wanted to say that I agree w you too; not your counselor. And then today, I see that you did it!!! Congratulations. It must be a weight off your shoulders. And I'm sorry too - I can only imagine that it must hurt too. I know I was relieved to move out from the Boyfriend, but also broken hearted that I moved out. Truthfully, I still feel confused. I am so happy for you though.

Sexy Smile said...

Though I'm a new reader to your blog, your struggles with the apartment resonate with me and some of the decisions I'm facing. You seem to be facing the challenges with strength and grace.

cammies on the floor said...

I am glad that he handled it so well, it seems to have helped with your own state of mind. Great job being brave and communicating.