Words. I need to see words in print today. The physical things rather than just ethereal shadows in my mind as they are thought.
When I first started playing online I was doing it as an adrenaline rush. It was like a drug. It was addictive because it gave me that boost, that high. It felt so good, I was euphoric. I've come to fear those encounters now. The net is a scary place. It's all too familiar. All too close. It feels like it's too easy to see someone you know or worse, get into some sort of nasty situation like bribery. Despite all my fears it's not why I've stopped stripping on camera for fun. I had work arounds, I had people I trusted that I could get off with.
I soon realized, though, that stripping and getting off wasn't what I was really looking for. I was looking for approval. I was looking for a boost in self esteem. To get that boost, connections had to be made. When you start making connections people start having expectations, they start wanting a more emotional connection or possibly a more physical one, based in reality.
If I wasn't in a position to give that connection then there was the risk of hurting that person, and vice-versa, if I wanted that connection and they weren't willing, I would get hurt. That is what scares me now: Hurting people or getting hurt.
Today I feel like I've lost all connection, for whatever reason I just don't feel it. With anyone. Whether that be online or in my 'real' life. I feel utterly disconnected. I'm not sure what is causing it. I'm sure there's an explanation. I'm likely the one responsible for it. I'm sure it's something in my own mind, in my own behaviour even, but I can't pinpoint what it is or how to fix it.
I've had it before and it is generally a temporary feeling. Today it's strong enough for me to put it into words but it's been lingering for quite some time now in the shadows of my mind and heart.
2 comments:
i see your point about the adrenaline rush, and then the approval. that seems to be the same reasons i do it, or did it.
maybe you're feeling like doing it will hurt someone else, so you don't or maybe you're just not getting what you think out of it, or need to remove emotions and just do it. Hope you figure it out soon. good luck.
I lost that online connection for the same reason. You let people in and they end up shitting all over you, bribing you, blackmail or just anger at what you wrote. Then you are careful about what you write and it no longer feels real.
I believe we are all seeking approval, self-esteem, just someone to tell us something that we hope but don't believe.
And there is the sexual high...the taboo high, the chance to be that nasty little slut or porn star in our heads without anyone knowing...until someone does...scary...
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