So much going on, yet so little...

ROB

Things are up and down as usual. Rob and I had a rough little chat the other day. It was my fault entirely. I asked him if he would come to Rome for a few days if I booked a hotel there. I was thinking that it'd be relatively easy for me to get down there for a weekend. 

I sent the text in the morning and got no answer. Then I caught him on FB chat in the afternoon (which is unusual), and I asked him if he got my message, he said "yeah, I'll be on tonight we'll talk about it then". 

Then we met up on skype, he didn't want to turn on the cam (hence no visuals... always makes things difficult to understand what the other person is inflecting or feeling). And he asked me if I had anything I wanted to ask him... I said that I had already asked him, and he said he'd never be able to pull it off.

I guess throughout the day, I had gotten my hopes up too high. When I saw him on FB I figured there'd actually be something to talk about. But then those hopes went crashing and burning to the ground. I was left feeling disappointed, and generally pissy... He could tell from the way I was writing and he told me to go to bed. 

If he had told me no straight away after my first text, it would have been easier for me. I was expecting him to say no. It was the FB thing that put me on the wrong track.

At that point I told Rob the truth, I needed to get it off my chest. I told him that a 22 yr old Italian guy asked me if I'd go to Rome with him. Italian Guy had made it sound so easy, (and he was jumping at the idea). I didn't/don't want to go with the Italian guy, I'd rather go with Rob. So I figured I'd ask him. When he declined I felt like he wasn't making an effort... but it's not the case. It was pretty unreasonable and unrealistic of me to expect him to fly out to Rome. He's right, he'd never be able to explain that to his girlfriend.

Since then I caught him on line this morning for 15 minutes. The conversation was lacking in general. I need to get some distance for a bit I think. I haven't heard or seen him much online in the past while (apart these two episodes), it had been a month or so since we really had time to chat, but I think I just need to get some distance after this.

I'm wondering if Rob is taking his distances too at times. I feel a bit strange, I've always been 100% honest with him, I've never lied to him or even withheld information from him really... unless I know he doesn't want to hear something. But I get the feeling sometimes that I'm not getting the same treatment. Simple things, perhaps stupid things like the fact that he knows my real full name and I don't know his. I wonder what he's afraid of and that he chats or doesn't with other people. Argh... whatever, I shouldn't think about shit like that. It'll just mess with my head.

ITALIAN GUY

The Italian guy has not let up his quest. I have tentatively said that I'd like to go... because when I talk to him, see him on Skype I honestly feel like I do. When he's gone my mind starts working again and I don't want to go anymore.... So I told him I might get away after Halloween, which will keep him happy for a while... then I'll figure out how to tell him no. 

CO-WORKER

I had an interesting event with the Co-Worker the other day. Let me start by saying that our contact has been reduced a little, he doesn't come to eat at the cafeteria with me and the others anymore, I'm assuming he's trying to save money because he brings his lunch from home. The physical contact has reduced too... although when there is contact it is different... a little more lingering. He grabbed my hands twice yesterday to see if they were cold. I plunged my freezing hands down the back of his shirt to see his reaction, and he didn't blink. 

The event of note was at the end of Wednesday afternoon I said I was going to go home and jump into a boiling hot shower to warm up and get clean. He mumbled something that I didn't quite catch and I asked him what he'd said. He got a slightly embarrassed look on his face and said jokingly"don't suppose you need someone to scrub your back for you?" I laughed and said yes. And he got all flustered and said "what? wait, no... you can't..." and then I walked out of the room grinning. No-one was around so no-one noticed the episode. 

I had the worst urge to write him a text after my shower telling him that I had missed his company. But I refrained. I was afraid his girlfriend would read it by mistake or something. That would have gotten me and him into a ton of trouble. 

CHATROULETTE

I was on chatroulette the other day while bf was out. I stumbled upon two Finnish men who were drinking wine and eating sausages. It was hilarious. One was really hot, the other was sort of a roley poley bearish guy with a great sense of humor. I asked them if they were eating bratwurst, and they answered Moose. I started laughing and the conversation got surreal from there. The showed me their wine, they asked me if I had any, and I decided to open a bottle of white that I had in the fridge. I got tipsy chatting with them. They absolutely cracked me up. It was the most I'd laughed in ages. Bf then got home and I typed in my skype address, but I didn't get any request. I think one was married with kids. He was filling a baby bottle with milk at one point, while the other took me on a tour of the house. 

*I've decided that I'd format my updates in little mini chapters... that way people can skip parts they don't like... heheh I think it's easier than doing separate posts for each topic. I just don't have time. Once I sit down to write I might as well write it all down.*