It hurts. No matter what I do or think or how angry I get it still hurts.
Rob texted a desperate message this afternoon that said "I can't do this!!!"
He was so enthusiastic while organising this that I didn't imagine that it'd happen this time. But when yesterday evening he said he'd be on, and then he wasn't, he didn't answer my emails, and didn't answer one of my texts this morning I kinda knew that he was bailing.
Just like last time, except last time it was easier to convince him to see me. We met for the day. Nothing happened. But originally he sent me an email saying that he couldn't do it.
I asked him to talk to me, to explain on my way to a bank then a lesson and I was in the bank when he sent the second text explaining why.
"I feel awful, I haven't slept for 2 days, the guilt is killing me and I haven't done anything yet. I don't believe I'm mentally strong enough to cheat on my gf, she is lovely and I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me, I just don't think I could live with myself. Sorry I have let you down"
I had to hold back the tears. I left the bank. Walked and tried not to think about it but it hurts. And I'm angry, there are so many things I'd like to tell him; He should have thought about this before getting me to book the flights, or that he can't be jealous of other guys I play with or hang out with online or meet if he can't meet me himself especially if I take the trouble buying flights to see him.
But it's not worth it. It's not worth getting angry. The anger doesn't make it less painful.
I'm glad that he managed to tell me. He didn't just ignore me or stop talking to me. He told me in time for me to change plans while there, I had a tight schedule between friends and Rob.
At this point I really wonder where things will go from here. I think what hurts most is that deep down I know I should let go. But I don't think I will be able to.