Friday, October 29, 2010


It hurts. No matter what I do or think or how angry I get it still hurts.

Rob texted a desperate message this afternoon that said "I can't do this!!!" 

He was so enthusiastic while organising this that I didn't imagine that it'd happen this time. But when yesterday evening he said he'd be on, and then he wasn't, he didn't answer my emails, and didn't answer one of my texts this morning I kinda knew that he was bailing.

Just like last time, except last time it was easier to convince him to see me. We met for the day. Nothing happened. But originally he sent me an email saying that he couldn't do it.

I asked him to talk to me, to explain on my way to a bank then a lesson and I was in the bank when he sent the second text explaining why.

"I feel awful, I haven't slept for 2 days, the guilt is killing me and I haven't done anything yet. I don't believe I'm mentally strong enough to cheat on my gf, she is lovely and I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me, I just don't think I could live with myself. Sorry I have let you down"

I had to hold back the tears. I left the bank. Walked and tried not to think about it but it hurts. And I'm angry, there are so many things I'd like to tell him; He should have thought about this before getting me to book the flights, or that he can't be jealous of other guys I play with or hang out with online or meet if he can't meet me himself especially if I take the trouble buying flights to see him.

But it's not worth it. It's not worth getting angry. The anger doesn't make it less painful.

I'm glad that he managed to tell me. He didn't just ignore me or stop talking to me. He told me in time for me to change plans while there, I had a tight schedule between friends and Rob.

At this point I really wonder where things will go from here. I think what hurts most is that deep down I know I should let go. But I don't think I will be able to.


Eden said...

Damn. I'm sorry about this, Cande. Taking away positive anticipation is bound to hurt, and after reading how you feel about Rob, I can appreciate that this is a blow. I'm sorry. I too have experienced a person being in love with the fantasy over the reality and bailing on me. It's a dampener, but not one that can't be overcome.

Considering you have known him for a while, I would be surprised if he didn't tell you he had changed his mind. I just wish he didn't wait until after tickets were booked. You should still fly out, maybe even meet the London girl....or someone new. The best adventures are always the unplanned ones.

Jen said...

The worst part is always letting go of the good feelings. Letting go of the person is surprisingly easy, but all the good feelings that are associated with that individual is by FAR the hardest part.

But, the good news is that in short order, someone else will SWOOP in that give you all those same feelings, and you will be on the mend.

Hang in there, sweetheart!

Racer X said...

Sorry for your loss. It is always difficult when someone flakes, but I suppose that is one of the risks of this medium of communication.

You need to find a good lover whose actions can match his words. I offer my services.

Cande said...

Eden: you're so sweet. You're right, it can be overcome. The hardest part is knowing that I should let go of him, but I don't have the strength. But I am still going, I have people to see!!

Jen: You're absolutely right. To me it's one and the same. The feelings are so tightly connected to the person because that's all there was, there was never any physical person, it's as if he never existed really.

Racer:You're right, it is a big risk of the times. If I need some "services" in your area, I'll let you know ;-)

Racer X said...

Please do. My rates are reasonable and, given your recent difficulties in the area of love, I will offer you a nice discount, with few extra bonuses added in, just for you.

Complete satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.