A few points first:
- What happened in Greece feels like an unfinished symphony to me. It was beautifully intense, possibly morally worse than sex and I regret not having sex with him to a degree... but not completely. It feels rather unresolved though.
- He has been dropping all sorts of strange questions on me for ages, I'm talking months now. The majority of them were in Greece though and I answered him according to my mental state at that time which was confused because of my time with Rob.
- He asked me if I was in love months ago (mentioned in a blog post... god only knows which one) and I said yes, but I wasn't referring to bf. He asked me again in Greece and I answered "sometimes" (referring specifically to bf this time).
- He told me about his dating mostly Tauruses and Virgos and hinting at the fact that I too am a Taurus.
- He kept insisting on the fact that we have such "a great energy together", within the same context as dating Tauruses and whether I was in love with my bf, same conversation.
- He asked me at least twice in greece (maybe another 2 times in Italy) why I had run my hands through his hair the night of the concert. Once I answered because I just wanted to, and the other because I wanted to tease him. At the second answer he got all reactive and said .... "oooh, now see, that's the kind of answer I was expecting". That second question was while we were in bed on the last night there. The first answer hadn't satisfied him.
- When talking about having sex while in Greece. He asked me quite seriously if we should, and I answered no because "it would be too easy" meaning that it was too obvious. His answer to that was "what? Would it be more challenging in the bathroom at work?" As if to say, better to do it here.
I think I misread everything. I was totally convinced from the beginning that he didn't want to get into anything with me. There were two things he said that gave me that impression.
- One: at the airport when he said that he was in love with his girlfriend and that he didn't want to get into anything but adding that we were all adults and we are all capable of handling situations.
- Two: in Greece when he said that he's a bastard because he tends to lead people on without actually having a reason to.
Ok, so those are two huge statements against all the pros up top. But please tell me if I'm missing something, doesn't it sound like he's been trying to figure out whether I'd be interested enough in him to drop bf? See... all the puzzle pieces make sense to me now.
I feel like I should outright ask him. Tell him that I'm slow at understanding things. I won't of course go ask him something like that. But this feels kinda big to me. I think I knew it deep down in my gut while we were there. But I was afraid of getting more confused, making my situation worse. I probably was ignoring most signs. But I should have hashed it out directly with him there rather than ignore things and try to piece them together later.
I think his last comment, the one about "going to hell" was that he now feels like I've been leading him on.
And my text saying that I miss him probably confused him, making him think that I'm in love with him. Which is why he told me not to send that kind of message anymore.
I am slow at this kind of thing... I feel kinda dumb really in a certain sense... it seems rather obvious. But on the other I still have my doubts. Huge ones.
I leave for NY tomorrow. I haven't been feeling well, perhaps due to all this thinking. I've been getting minor panic attacks, a three day headache and an upset tummy.
I dreamt about co-w early this morning and woke up feeling unsettled, he had sent me three emails that I wanted to read. I woke up before I could see them. I was sure there would be a love letter among them, admitting all his love for me. I can't get him out of my head and I was tempted to text him today telling him to get out of my head. I still have 2.5 hours before he gets off work... I could still do that. But it's probably not such a good idea.
I will be travelling for 50 days and I don't know how often I'll be able to update. There are portions of our trip where we won't have internet, and other portions where we will have unlimited access. Please forgive my absence!