Distractions

Arg I'm supposed to be working on a translation, but I can't concentrate. My mind keeps wandering. I keep checking my email to see if he's written me back, I keep checking my sitemeter to see if he's been on the blog. Damn him for taking over my brain.... ok... no I love it... I can't do without it now.

Bf and I had sex again this morning. It was better, well more similar to what we've always done. And this time I got off. It wasn't a mind blowing orgasm or anything. It was nice though. I do feel a little guilty. When I have sex with bf I've always only thought of him fucking me. I've never ever voluntarily thought of anyone else. I find thinking about someone else during sex a bit low. I think that it can happen without you really wanting it, flashes of memory and such. But actually thinking of someone else to get off is not a nice thing to do. Today though, I did.

I was on top, bf was slowly easing in and out of me from below, it was sweet and soft, he was touching me all over when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my ass. He knows what that means. He eased a finger in slowly, and as I got closer, I didn't want to lose the possibility of having an orgasm. bf would have been worried if I didn't cum this time. I was going to loose it if I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I pictured Rob forcing my head down onto his cock, that time when I was kneeling on the floor and he came all over me.

That was it, I came, that's all I needed. I wanted to grab bf's other hand to take his fingers into my mouth to help me, but when I grabbed his arm it ended up in the wrong place and I ended up drooling all over his forearm instead lol...

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I wanted to thank my commenters John, Frenchy, Advizor, Johanna, and Ebony (Mike on occasion). You guys and any others who have commented on previous posts have really helped me. Each one of you has a pinch of advice or knowledge or insight that brings me a step closer to understanding. You guys are just as good as my dad, my best friend or any counsellor. The mix of you is perfect, it's a perfect balance. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I don't think this blog would be much use to me without you. Forgive me if I don't answer you all individually every time though. Believe me I take everything you guys say and I store it, I use it, I process it. 

Today I do want to answer you all though, because each of you has said something important:

John- Thank you for that insight. I've never been in that situation or conscious of being there so your experience really does help me understand what bf is doing. The situation has lightened in the past few days, but it doesn't mean that things don't need to change. We are moving along as if nothing happened instead.

Frenchy- Yes my dad is an amazing person, I should probably be bold and tell him that some day soon. I will try to go for it!

Advizor- You are right, sex is an easy area to change. He feels more comfortable showing emotions when he is having sex with me as well. But it's in the day to day things that things need to change. And I'm still not sure I feel comfortable forcing change on him. I need to figure that out.

Johanna- So much insight and so spot on (as usual) you and I see things in such similar ways it scares me sometimes. You're right, I will never be 100% sure of what I'm doing. You're right, I need to take the leap. You're right, I'll probably look back and wonder, and I'll never be sure if I made the right decision. Thank you for telling me that I don't owe it to bf to really give it my best, because that 's hard to hear and I think I needed to hear it and hear it said logically. I don't know what I want, I have no idea what I want. I think at the moment I just need to figure out whether bf is going to be part of that unknown future or not. That's why I need a counsellor, I need help figuring that out. 

Ebony- I think you and my dad are both right, I have made up my mind, I just worry that it's not the right decision... I need to figure that out... I don't know where my guts are at the moment, sometimes they feel too close to my heart and other times they feel like their in my brain, I need to separate all of that and figure it all out.

Thank you all, thank you thank you thank you! 

And I have new (and of course old) followers who are lurking, Thanks for reading, I love watching my daily views go up on my sitemeter. If I didn't have readers and followers this would be a pretty depressing place for me. I can actually come to my blog no matter how dire things are, and I can smile because of you all. So THANKS! 

The Saga...

Will it or won't it continue??

Ahh the questions of life...

I have been talking to my best friend back home and my dad and I even talked to Floyd on Skype today. My dad is the one that I can relate to the easiest, he has been telling me the same thing for years. "Follow your gut. If you feel like something needs to change, then that's what needs to happen, it doesn't matter whether you know what you want or not, that part will come naturally later". 
He says to be true to myself. I answer, I'll try, he says, there's no trying... you just do it.
My guru father says that I don't have an internet addiction, "that's just bullshit" was his answer. But then again if I did have an addiction, his would be worse than mine.

I told bf that I wanted to go see a counsellor. It's not really part of the culture here, but I did go after my mother passed away years ago. And I went through a crisis and came out of it with her help. She said things that bf didn't like though. He asked me not to go. He asked me to wait to see how things go, try to find a studio space first. But I want to go now before getting a studio space. I don't know that I want a studio. If I do leave bf I want to have my own apartment and not a studio. I think he's afraid of what she might say.

My father said that he thinks I've made up my mind. He can see a certain decisiveness in me, in my choice of phrasing things. But at the same time I've told bf that I'd give it time.

Things with bf are ok. We laugh and joke and took a walk together today. But as my father said we'll probably go through an ok period, then we'll be tiptoeing around each other so we don't set each other off, and then we'll set each other off and we'll be back at square one.

He said that a person in my position doesn't really make it forward. Once you've started realizing that change is needed you can't really go back and fix what's wrong and be happy with it.

We had sex again today. Bf has been trying too hard. I don't think we've ever had sex like this before. He's got so much more confidence than he usually has. Today while I was on top, he grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back while he fucked me. I would normally thrive on that, I'd love it. I did like it, I just didn't get off on it. He didn't make me cum again. I just think he's been trying too hard. I even have a bruised pelvis... He let me make him cum again though, and as I said last time, it's sort of a first.
I get the sensation that all this is because he has, on some level, caught on to something... maybe he suspects I've been cheating... but I think it's somewhat subconscious. Why would his approach change so drastically otherwise? Or maybe he's just afraid of losing me and he thinks this is one way to keep me. I've always begged him to fuck me harder and to "take advantage" of me a little, and he has always refused.
Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things, with whether I really want to be with him.

Crazy Days

Wow things have really become crazy.

Bf and I had various problems this weekend and they finally came to a halt Sunday morning. We'd been arguing or on terrible terms up to then. But Sunday was the epitome of everything. We started fighting, and bf came out with a sentence he shouldn't have said I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and walked away in tears. He came running behind me and that's when the dialogue started.

To be completely honest things are still a blur. I repeated the same things I had said in the previous discussion. I thought they had meant something to him that first time but he made me repeat them, he couldn't remember what I had said. I calmly and unbegrudgingly told him again. This time I'm assuming he heard me and understood because he asked me to forgive him, that he had made so many mistakes in the relationship, that he could change, that he would change. He asked me if I'd be willing to give him time. We could set a date and see how things have gone up to that point.

I don't really know what to think or feel. I felt terrible at first. Feeling mostly guilt for making it seem like he was the only one responsible for our situation. He's not. We are both responsible. But at the same time I think that he needed to hear those things and to come to terms with them without me giving him the loophole that I am also responsible. It would be my duty at this point to really give it my best and to really give it a chance. But I also realize that I may not have realistic views of what it should be. I've really had my true needs clouded for so long that I think they have become distorted.

We had sex after the discussion. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but I went along. He was passionate and very emotional. He kept telling me he loved me. The sex was different. It was him fucking me. That rarely happens, especially with that amount of force. He was on top, held my wrists to the bed, kissing me, but I wasn't feeling anything. I was crying. I have never cried so much during sex. The tears were streaming down my face. I don't think he noticed. Despite the fact he was on top of me, he didn't really look at me much. I ended up taking him in my mouth and I cried. The tears were from the argument, the fact that I was feeling uncertain about everything, and to boot images of Rob running through my mind. He let me guide his orgasm, it may have been the first time. He started to come in my mouth, but then he pulled out, and I don't have any idea why.

After lunch I fell asleep. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

I woke up wanting to talk to someone so I started an email to Rob and half way through I received one from him. We ended up on Skype. We talked for more or less an hour. I obviously explained what had happened. But all in all he just kept my mind off things, made me feel better and kept me smiling. We talked about emotions, the past, meeting up again and how things have evolved.

I think that we have realized that perhaps we've been getting into this partially because we know it can't really go anywhere. Yet at the same time there has been a very drastic evolution between us over the years. I don't want it to end.

Saturday orgasms

Rob was supposed to ignore me all weekend. He was supposed to play golf and forget about me for Saturday and Sunday. I found myself pouring my thoughts out to both Floyd and my best friend through emails about both bf and Rob. Without work to distract me I've been thinking about him constantly again. I got myself off twice Saturday morning thinking about him. I wake up and I've had dreams about it, I'm wet when I wake up.  I tried to find my g-spot and couldn't and it was frustrating but I came anyhow. I just wanted to feel what he made me feel so badly I guess. But I wasn't getting it. Maybe I can't reach it.

The second time I didn't even try to find it. I just had to get myself off again.

Then this afternoon as I was emailing Floyd and my best friend, I got an email from Rob. He was just saying hi. We exchanged about 10 emails before I admitted to wanting to get off again. And he told me to go on skype so that he could help.

On Skype we couldn't cam so it was just him typing words, I was on the bed watching the words flow on the screen, his typical amazing one word after another list, bringing bright blinding flashes of images, memories into my mind this time. It was the first time he had gotten me off since we met up. It was crazy strong, so strong I was in tears by the end. I'm not sure what brought them on. They didn't last, but it was an overall outpouring of emotion probably.

He asked me when we could fuck again. It's too early to think about that. I can't think about that now. But I can't help it. I'd leave tomorrow if I could.

I had yet another orgasm while in bed next to bf. I was still hot from Rob's writing I guess. That makes 4 in one day.

Weird, Weirder, Weirdest

Wow, when things get weird they really get weird.

I got an email today from an ex-boyfriend.

I'm not sure I've ever mentioned him. If I have, it was ages ago and no-one here will remember. 

I have this best friend back home, when we were growing up she had this boyfriend who lived in another city about 4 hours from where we lived. I was dating a guy at the time who wasn't quite right in the head and to make a long story short, I broke up with him, my best friend broke up with her boyfriend and we swapped. I started dating the guy from out of town and she started dating the guy who wasn't quite right in the head. She ended up marrying the guy. And I stayed with this outatowner for about a year and then I called it quits.

Let's call him Floyd. While Floyd was dating my best friend he and I were actually corresponding hand written letters at the time, we had a lot in common. We would write these 10 page letters back and forth. They were strictly friendship based though. Then when we started dating the letters became love letters. But our relationship slowly degraded and I couldn't see our friendship anymore. That's when I realized that I thought it was more important to save our friendship than to continue a relationship so I broke it off with him.

He later married a woman and had two girls. The woman he married ended up going off the deep end and almost tried to kill herself. Floyd has been in touch over the years off and on, especially when things aren't well with the wife.

Today he said that he missed me, that he was tired of pushing people away because of his wife, especially people he cared about like me. He basically said that he regretted that things hadn't gone differently between us. I emailed him back and said all sorts of things, mostly telling him why I had broken things off, but also saying that his email had reached me in a period of my life that was somewhat on the rocks.

He emailed me back saying that he wanted to know what was going on.

Floyd is a person that I've always been very close to. We've told each other everything, but when he got married our friendship was cut off. My email back to him was a total and complete spew of things that have been going on including Rob and bf. By the end of this correspondence he will probably know more than my best friend does. She just knows about Rob, she doesn't know about the blog or about my "past" online. I don't know that I'll tell Floyd about the blog... but I've already hinted at my past online.

The morning

As time goes by things get put on the back burner.... kinda... I find myself thinking about Rob less, although still very often, just less than every second like while I was in London. It's more like every 5 minutes now. Work does keep me mostly busy.

On occasion I find myself stopping in mid sentence while explaining something to my students, because something caught my attention and reminded me. The strangest things will come to mind and make me laugh, like salt and vinegar chips. Rob went out late on Monday night at the hotel to have a smoke. I stayed up in the room but he asked if I wanted anything to munch on. He brought back two bags of salt and vinegar chips and a bag of cheese chips. We sat quietly and ate them while watching tv.

There were times in that room that we weren't having sex where we'd just sit and watch tv. He'd sit on the chair at the desk, I'd be sprawled on the bed. In other words we weren't constantly all over each other.

It was during those times that I'd observe him, watch him. I wasn't interested in the tv. I just wanted to watch him while he wouldn't notice.

Those were times when I felt like I should make moves, go to him and touch him, just drag him close to me. But I knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I think that we probably needed to contrast the constant touching, sex and just overstimulation with that void. Perhaps it had to do with my fear of ruining the situation with overdoing things. Maybe I was just afraid of getting too close.

The void of not touching, not getting too close eased us into sleep as well. We slept close. But to be able to actually get any sleep I can't be touching a person I've never slept with. So I kept my distance, I needed to sleep at least a little. I don't remember who made the first move in the morning, it could have just been a random rolling over or something, but we ended up spooning. It was an amazing sensation, after not having touched for those few hours at night. I remember pulling his arm around me, around my waist. I could feel his body behind me, every move, every muscle, his slow breathing, his warmth. The sensation of his stiffening cock had me wet immediately. All I knew is that I didn't want to leave that day without having more of him. I'd have never forgiven myself if I hadn't taken full advantage of the situation.

We moved, perhaps he moved onto his back, I moved close to him, one leg over his, but I could feel him stiffen through his boxers. My hand slid under the covers, I caressed, and rubbed him through his boxers, until he opened one eye to look at me, to ask me what I was doing. I just smiled, didn't answer. Then I moved under the covers, straddling his legs, going down. I slipped his boxers off, and the question came again, "what are you doing?" in that accent I love. "Nothing, what do you think I'm doing?" I joked. And proceeded to take him in my mouth.

Just the simple sensation of the head of his cock moving past my lips was enough to make me cum. All I needed was a little stimulation really. I could suck him off for hours without ever getting bored... although he might. But he wanted to be inside me that morning, and I wasn't going to complain about that. I came up to face him, and straddling him I grabbed him from behind myself, slipped him in slowly, easily, all the way down the shaft, and I gasped, he groaned, and the sensation made me collapse towards him. He fucked me slowly in that position and then told me to ride him. I did, I rode him, upright, cowgirl, but I'm a weak girl with no muscles and ended up getting tired fast. He lifted me by my thighs, I kept my hands on the bedboard to ease the weight a little and he fucked me from below. There was a moment when his cock hit my g-spot and I just yelped. It was a sensation I'd never felt before meeting Rob. Bf has never hit it, I've never hit it on my own either. Rob is the only one who has ever found it, and his cock hits it perfectly.

I was basically incapable of moving after that, Rob moved his hand swiftly to my clit, pressing hard, flicking his thumb back and forth, pushing from inside me with his cock, I would go limp at each pulse. The next thing I knew he was joking around, and I was trying to get over what felt like three orgasms in a row. He said "look, watch this!", he put two fingers to his left temple, closed his eyes and made his cock pulse inside me, making me weak in rapid succession, I was laughing and in a state of ecstasy all at once.
He then asked me if I'd had enough. But my answer was "I'll never have enough". He lifted me off him. He moved around behind me, telling me quietly what to do, put your head down, guiding me with his hands. He slid himself back inside me from behind, my face planted flat on the bed. His hands gripping my wrists and my hips all at once. He pounded me hard and I had yet another orgasm,  I collapsed helplessly on the bed, I didn't have an inkling of strength, I lay there, eyes closed, panting, arms beneath me now. Feeling the bed vibrate as he moved around to my side, he was caressing my back, up and down, his nails just barely grazing my cool skin. I opened my eyes to see a calm, serene look on his face, relaxed, smiling, caring.

I rolled onto my side, propped myself up and after he may have told me to take it easy, I went back down to taste myself on him. Making myself gag on him, his hands pushing my head down as they'd done numerous times before. I went down, sucked his balls lightly into my mouth, something I'd never done before, so delicate, soft, fragile, yet resistent. Such an amazing sensation. He was getting close. This time it took minutely less than the other times. He warned me that he was going to cum, and he pressed my head down onto him, his hot cum filling the back of my throat. I haven't swallowed in years, and it was so much easier than I'd remembered. It was warm and tasted slightly bitter. I could taste him for ages after that. Right through to the next morning.

The rest of the morning consisted in us having breakfast and just lounging, perhaps both dreading the departure. I wrote about our departure before, but it was a fairly long wait, or it felt long. We went down and had a breakfast that made us both laugh, he managed to fill a teapot with a teabag and coffee and almost insisted on drinking it. We talked about what had happened, we talked about how we felt. He is so easy for me to talk to, he makes everything easy.

The rest of this story is somewhat of a repeat, I've mentioned it before but I can't finish this post without it.

When we returned to the room, we didn't know what to do. I finished packing my bag while he lay face down on the bed looking at the newspaper on the floor. I flopped myself onto the bed to look over his shoulder, reading and not reading, occasionally commenting. But soon we stopped. He just lay there, his face buried in the nook in his arm. I wasn't sure what to do or say. I got the feeling he was dreading going home, or maybe dreading waiting. I wanted to tell him to go when he wanted, that he didn't have to wait for me. He looked up at me, his eyes were shiny, but partially hidden behind his mass of blond eyelashes, he looked at me through them and said that he was worried he'd make himself sick with guilt in the following days.

I told him to hate me if it would be easier, but had to turn away, lay on my back to wipe the tears away.

We checked out of the hotel and headed to the train station. We hugged, half kissed, it was awkward, neither of us knew what to say or do, so we just went our separate ways. Neither of us looked back. But the train ride into London was hard.

Current views

Bf
Ahh things have been surreal the past few days. I've been home less than a week but I feel like I've gone back in time.
Things before I left for London seemed to be going relatively well with bf our new arrangement was working fairly well I thought. I was happy with it. But when I got home bf was obviously on edge about something and I knew it wasn't the trip that was getting to him. I think it was my enthusiasm in general. Perhaps jealousy of going off on my own. I'm not sure.
After blowing up about the concert I kept my distance a bit. I just couldn't get over the reaction I guess, I wasn't helping the situation any, but I didn't think it was my place. He stormed into where I was sitting yesterday evening and ranted about something that I hadn't done, that he was expecting me to do. And then he went on about how addicted to the internet I am.

Side note. I don't know that I'm terribly addicted to the internet. I do spend time on it. But what "bothers" him is the fact that I check things in the morning, around lunch when I get home and then again before I go to bed. And to me.... that's not an addiction, but I'm not a doctor and I'm no expert on internet addictions.

So he has recently taken this tangent. He said all sorts of strange things to me yesterday. One was just strange, he said that if I was going to use internet in the house he was going to start smoking in the house. How logical is that?

We had a 3 hour argument with tears and yelling and the whole song and dance. And by the end I spilled the beans about how he had been rather cold with me from the moment I got home from London, through the pictures and through the concert frenzy and I told him how I'd felt.

I told him that I often feel like he doesn't share my interests at all, that I have to drag him to things that I know he'd enjoy, he generally refuses to come unless I insist on paying.
I told him that I felt like we didn't have anything in common. I told him that I didn't want to live my life regretting things. I told him that I felt like I didn't have a future in general. I basically implied that I didn't see a future with him. I told him that in other relationships I've seen guys more involved in making decisions about the future and talking openly about what to do, and with him that has never happened, even if I've pushed for it.

After all of that he finally got the picture and shut up and thought about what was going on. By 1:00 am he came over to me and told me he loved me, and told me that for our future, he's more than "sure" about wanting to spend his future with me. As for practical future he thinks it would be easier to get me on track than to get him on track, all I need is space really... (although I'm not sure that just space is going to resolve anything, but I suppose it's worth a try).

I am getting tired of having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves. I'm also not sure that my "future" means anything with him, if I'm the only one getting on track then what's the point?

Rob
I know deep down that the evolution with Rob is just a consequence of my situation with bf. But I am also aware that I'm probably getting in deeper than I expected. I'm probably falling for him harder than I anticipated.
Rob and I talked for a bit today, even talked a bit about our feelings. He asked me if I was in love with him and I sort of shied away from the question. I hummed and smiled, and blushed and said maybe.
I get shy about that sort of thing and as much as I'd like to be open, I'm a little afraid of it. Afraid of getting hurt I suppose.
He did say that if I make the decision to leave bf just to not do it because of him. I think he knows that I wouldn't do that. I've been thinking about a break up for ages before meeting up with him. And he also should know that I'm not expecting anything from him whatsoever, apart from perhaps meeting up again at some point.

I texted him after we got off line, just because sometimes I find it easier to text him, to write than to express with my own voice. I asked him if he thought he was falling for me, but he didn't answer, ok well he sent a silly text telling me to "go away"... I took it as silly anyhow. I take it all quite lightly. We're probably both struggling a little with our feelings and I'm not the type to push things. If he wants to tell me what he's feeling he will in time.

He asked if he should back off writing emails and texts, I think he's feeling overwhelmed by constantly thinking about things, and he wants me to tell him to back off. But I told him that I didn't want him to, but that the decision was ultimately his. He did half joke about wanting me to take some of the responsibility off of his hands though. Making that decision for him would have helped probably. But I don't want it to stop.

I myself have contemplated backing off, taking a breather. But sometimes I feel like I'd probably regret it. Other times I know that it'll hurt if we continue at this pace.