Will it or won't it continue??
Ahh the questions of life...
I have been talking to my best friend back home and my dad and I even talked to Floyd on Skype today. My dad is the one that I can relate to the easiest, he has been telling me the same thing for years. "Follow your gut. If you feel like something needs to change, then that's what needs to happen, it doesn't matter whether you know what you want or not, that part will come naturally later".
He says to be true to myself. I answer, I'll try, he says, there's no trying... you just do it.
My guru father says that I don't have an internet addiction, "that's just bullshit" was his answer. But then again if I did have an addiction, his would be worse than mine.
I told bf that I wanted to go see a counsellor. It's not really part of the culture here, but I did go after my mother passed away years ago. And I went through a crisis and came out of it with her help. She said things that bf didn't like though. He asked me not to go. He asked me to wait to see how things go, try to find a studio space first. But I want to go now before getting a studio space. I don't know that I want a studio. If I do leave bf I want to have my own apartment and not a studio. I think he's afraid of what she might say.
My father said that he thinks I've made up my mind. He can see a certain decisiveness in me, in my choice of phrasing things. But at the same time I've told bf that I'd give it time.
Things with bf are ok. We laugh and joke and took a walk together today. But as my father said we'll probably go through an ok period, then we'll be tiptoeing around each other so we don't set each other off, and then we'll set each other off and we'll be back at square one.
He said that a person in my position doesn't really make it forward. Once you've started realizing that change is needed you can't really go back and fix what's wrong and be happy with it.
We had sex again today. Bf has been trying too hard. I don't think we've ever had sex like this before. He's got so much more confidence than he usually has. Today while I was on top, he grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back while he fucked me. I would normally thrive on that, I'd love it. I did like it, I just didn't get off on it. He didn't make me cum again. I just think he's been trying too hard. I even have a bruised pelvis... He let me make him cum again though, and as I said last time, it's sort of a first.
I get the sensation that all this is because he has, on some level, caught on to something... maybe he suspects I've been cheating... but I think it's somewhat subconscious. Why would his approach change so drastically otherwise? Or maybe he's just afraid of losing me and he thinks this is one way to keep me. I've always begged him to fuck me harder and to "take advantage" of me a little, and he has always refused.
Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things, with whether I really want to be with him.