Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Saga...

Will it or won't it continue??

Ahh the questions of life...

I have been talking to my best friend back home and my dad and I even talked to Floyd on Skype today. My dad is the one that I can relate to the easiest, he has been telling me the same thing for years. "Follow your gut. If you feel like something needs to change, then that's what needs to happen, it doesn't matter whether you know what you want or not, that part will come naturally later". 
He says to be true to myself. I answer, I'll try, he says, there's no trying... you just do it.
My guru father says that I don't have an internet addiction, "that's just bullshit" was his answer. But then again if I did have an addiction, his would be worse than mine.

I told bf that I wanted to go see a counsellor. It's not really part of the culture here, but I did go after my mother passed away years ago. And I went through a crisis and came out of it with her help. She said things that bf didn't like though. He asked me not to go. He asked me to wait to see how things go, try to find a studio space first. But I want to go now before getting a studio space. I don't know that I want a studio. If I do leave bf I want to have my own apartment and not a studio. I think he's afraid of what she might say.

My father said that he thinks I've made up my mind. He can see a certain decisiveness in me, in my choice of phrasing things. But at the same time I've told bf that I'd give it time.

Things with bf are ok. We laugh and joke and took a walk together today. But as my father said we'll probably go through an ok period, then we'll be tiptoeing around each other so we don't set each other off, and then we'll set each other off and we'll be back at square one.

He said that a person in my position doesn't really make it forward. Once you've started realizing that change is needed you can't really go back and fix what's wrong and be happy with it.

We had sex again today. Bf has been trying too hard. I don't think we've ever had sex like this before. He's got so much more confidence than he usually has. Today while I was on top, he grabbed my wrists and held them behind my back while he fucked me. I would normally thrive on that, I'd love it. I did like it, I just didn't get off on it. He didn't make me cum again. I just think he's been trying too hard. I even have a bruised pelvis... He let me make him cum again though, and as I said last time, it's sort of a first.
I get the sensation that all this is because he has, on some level, caught on to something... maybe he suspects I've been cheating... but I think it's somewhat subconscious. Why would his approach change so drastically otherwise? Or maybe he's just afraid of losing me and he thinks this is one way to keep me. I've always begged him to fuck me harder and to "take advantage" of me a little, and he has always refused.
Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things, with whether I really want to be with him.


John said...

Whilst I don't know for sure but I would say that us men have a bit of an intuition about things, he may not know you have cheated on him, but he will be sensing that you are drawing away. Therefore he is doing what he believes is the way to keep you. I guess a case of what we say here closing the door after the horse is bolted. I've done similar to this myself in the past.

I'll be honest be careful here, the amount of pleasing could also turn into nastiness when you don't return the favour. Keep safe and keep strongly resolute that things are going to work out for you.

You will be in my thoughts, non pervy of course at this time ;)

Take care

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

You are lucky to have such a nice dad because I think he gives you good advice on telling you to trus your gut feelings and making things change. Go for it!

Advizor54 said...

"Except now, I can't get off on it. I'm too preoccupied with other things,'

I think those kind of changes have to be mutually agreed upon and organic, natural. He may be thinking about sex as an "easy" area to change (ie, harder, faster), yet if it's not sincere then it just leaves bruises.

I agree with Frenchy, your dad has a good head on his shoulders and a beautiful daughter. He is giving you good advice.

Johanna said...

You've started singing a different tune, and he's following, in his own way. It could go either way, it can get better, or not... but you really don't have to wait to see, if you don't want to.

Don't expect to ever know 100 % what you want. And you'll never be 100 % certain of having made the right choice, but nor will you ever be 100 % certain of having made the wrong one. Accept that whatever you do, you'll be taking a leap, going for the unknown. And whichever choice you make, you'll probably wonder "what if" at some point. That won't mean you made a bad choice.

In my opinion, you don't owe it to bf to give the relationship a chance. That's something you do only if it's what you yourself really, really want to do, deep down in your heart. What are you dying to explore right now? A different kind of relationship with bf, where you're more in charge, have more space? Or a life on your own? Something else? Whatever it is, you'll have to make it happen.

ebony panther said...

Your father is right. You've already made up your mind. You just have to go through with it.