Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Arg I'm supposed to be working on a translation, but I can't concentrate. My mind keeps wandering. I keep checking my email to see if he's written me back, I keep checking my sitemeter to see if he's been on the blog. Damn him for taking over my brain.... ok... no I love it... I can't do without it now.

Bf and I had sex again this morning. It was better, well more similar to what we've always done. And this time I got off. It wasn't a mind blowing orgasm or anything. It was nice though. I do feel a little guilty. When I have sex with bf I've always only thought of him fucking me. I've never ever voluntarily thought of anyone else. I find thinking about someone else during sex a bit low. I think that it can happen without you really wanting it, flashes of memory and such. But actually thinking of someone else to get off is not a nice thing to do. Today though, I did.

I was on top, bf was slowly easing in and out of me from below, it was sweet and soft, he was touching me all over when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my ass. He knows what that means. He eased a finger in slowly, and as I got closer, I didn't want to lose the possibility of having an orgasm. bf would have been worried if I didn't cum this time. I was going to loose it if I couldn't wrap my mind around it. So I pictured Rob forcing my head down onto his cock, that time when I was kneeling on the floor and he came all over me.

That was it, I came, that's all I needed. I wanted to grab bf's other hand to take his fingers into my mouth to help me, but when I grabbed his arm it ended up in the wrong place and I ended up drooling all over his forearm instead lol...


I wanted to thank my commenters John, Frenchy, Advizor, Johanna, and Ebony (Mike on occasion). You guys and any others who have commented on previous posts have really helped me. Each one of you has a pinch of advice or knowledge or insight that brings me a step closer to understanding. You guys are just as good as my dad, my best friend or any counsellor. The mix of you is perfect, it's a perfect balance. I don't know what I'd do without you guys. I don't think this blog would be much use to me without you. Forgive me if I don't answer you all individually every time though. Believe me I take everything you guys say and I store it, I use it, I process it. 

Today I do want to answer you all though, because each of you has said something important:

John- Thank you for that insight. I've never been in that situation or conscious of being there so your experience really does help me understand what bf is doing. The situation has lightened in the past few days, but it doesn't mean that things don't need to change. We are moving along as if nothing happened instead.

Frenchy- Yes my dad is an amazing person, I should probably be bold and tell him that some day soon. I will try to go for it!

Advizor- You are right, sex is an easy area to change. He feels more comfortable showing emotions when he is having sex with me as well. But it's in the day to day things that things need to change. And I'm still not sure I feel comfortable forcing change on him. I need to figure that out.

Johanna- So much insight and so spot on (as usual) you and I see things in such similar ways it scares me sometimes. You're right, I will never be 100% sure of what I'm doing. You're right, I need to take the leap. You're right, I'll probably look back and wonder, and I'll never be sure if I made the right decision. Thank you for telling me that I don't owe it to bf to really give it my best, because that 's hard to hear and I think I needed to hear it and hear it said logically. I don't know what I want, I have no idea what I want. I think at the moment I just need to figure out whether bf is going to be part of that unknown future or not. That's why I need a counsellor, I need help figuring that out. 

Ebony- I think you and my dad are both right, I have made up my mind, I just worry that it's not the right decision... I need to figure that out... I don't know where my guts are at the moment, sometimes they feel too close to my heart and other times they feel like their in my brain, I need to separate all of that and figure it all out.

Thank you all, thank you thank you thank you! 

And I have new (and of course old) followers who are lurking, Thanks for reading, I love watching my daily views go up on my sitemeter. If I didn't have readers and followers this would be a pretty depressing place for me. I can actually come to my blog no matter how dire things are, and I can smile because of you all. So THANKS! 


Michael said...

I sense that you are now finding your way ... right now you are able to discern emotional response from logical analysis. This is very good. I'd offer that decision time is soon ... take it from an elder ... time has a way of passing much too quickly, and you wonder where it went.


Advizor54 said...

I'm glad I can help even if it's just a little. It's nice to have a council of friends to turn to for advice. I love my readers too, and that includes you.

Johanna said...

Glad to help, too... and I find that when I really, really try to envision the quandaries others find themselves in, I learn about myself as well.

In a comment to your comment - I can see how a counsellor would be useful, but I don't think it will be about helping you figure out if bf is part of your future or not. I rather think (or hope) it will be about helping you feel at ease with whichever decision you reach. To find the confidence to take that leap, even if the consequences of it will be unknown to you. To embrace uncertainty.