Friday, May 27, 2011

Current views

Ahh things have been surreal the past few days. I've been home less than a week but I feel like I've gone back in time.
Things before I left for London seemed to be going relatively well with bf our new arrangement was working fairly well I thought. I was happy with it. But when I got home bf was obviously on edge about something and I knew it wasn't the trip that was getting to him. I think it was my enthusiasm in general. Perhaps jealousy of going off on my own. I'm not sure.
After blowing up about the concert I kept my distance a bit. I just couldn't get over the reaction I guess, I wasn't helping the situation any, but I didn't think it was my place. He stormed into where I was sitting yesterday evening and ranted about something that I hadn't done, that he was expecting me to do. And then he went on about how addicted to the internet I am.

Side note. I don't know that I'm terribly addicted to the internet. I do spend time on it. But what "bothers" him is the fact that I check things in the morning, around lunch when I get home and then again before I go to bed. And to me.... that's not an addiction, but I'm not a doctor and I'm no expert on internet addictions.

So he has recently taken this tangent. He said all sorts of strange things to me yesterday. One was just strange, he said that if I was going to use internet in the house he was going to start smoking in the house. How logical is that?

We had a 3 hour argument with tears and yelling and the whole song and dance. And by the end I spilled the beans about how he had been rather cold with me from the moment I got home from London, through the pictures and through the concert frenzy and I told him how I'd felt.

I told him that I often feel like he doesn't share my interests at all, that I have to drag him to things that I know he'd enjoy, he generally refuses to come unless I insist on paying.
I told him that I felt like we didn't have anything in common. I told him that I didn't want to live my life regretting things. I told him that I felt like I didn't have a future in general. I basically implied that I didn't see a future with him. I told him that in other relationships I've seen guys more involved in making decisions about the future and talking openly about what to do, and with him that has never happened, even if I've pushed for it.

After all of that he finally got the picture and shut up and thought about what was going on. By 1:00 am he came over to me and told me he loved me, and told me that for our future, he's more than "sure" about wanting to spend his future with me. As for practical future he thinks it would be easier to get me on track than to get him on track, all I need is space really... (although I'm not sure that just space is going to resolve anything, but I suppose it's worth a try).

I am getting tired of having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves. I'm also not sure that my "future" means anything with him, if I'm the only one getting on track then what's the point?

I know deep down that the evolution with Rob is just a consequence of my situation with bf. But I am also aware that I'm probably getting in deeper than I expected. I'm probably falling for him harder than I anticipated.
Rob and I talked for a bit today, even talked a bit about our feelings. He asked me if I was in love with him and I sort of shied away from the question. I hummed and smiled, and blushed and said maybe.
I get shy about that sort of thing and as much as I'd like to be open, I'm a little afraid of it. Afraid of getting hurt I suppose.
He did say that if I make the decision to leave bf just to not do it because of him. I think he knows that I wouldn't do that. I've been thinking about a break up for ages before meeting up with him. And he also should know that I'm not expecting anything from him whatsoever, apart from perhaps meeting up again at some point.

I texted him after we got off line, just because sometimes I find it easier to text him, to write than to express with my own voice. I asked him if he thought he was falling for me, but he didn't answer, ok well he sent a silly text telling me to "go away"... I took it as silly anyhow. I take it all quite lightly. We're probably both struggling a little with our feelings and I'm not the type to push things. If he wants to tell me what he's feeling he will in time.

He asked if he should back off writing emails and texts, I think he's feeling overwhelmed by constantly thinking about things, and he wants me to tell him to back off. But I told him that I didn't want him to, but that the decision was ultimately his. He did half joke about wanting me to take some of the responsibility off of his hands though. Making that decision for him would have helped probably. But I don't want it to stop.

I myself have contemplated backing off, taking a breather. But sometimes I feel like I'd probably regret it. Other times I know that it'll hurt if we continue at this pace.


Michael said...

very logical analysis of the situation.


ebony panther said...

I don't think you're addicted to the internet. Most people check 3 times a day. It's a part of our lives now, like our parents used to listen to the radio or watch tv to see what's going on. I wouldn't sweat it.
As far as bf goes, I don't mean to sound harsh but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting a different result. It takes too much energy to fight & make up & then fight again & make up again. It's a neverending cycle & it's not healthy for either. Maybe it's time to go & live your life & get your dreams & goals on track. Again, not being harsh but you really deserve to be happy & you're not; at least, not with bf. You're just stuck, spinning your wheels in mud. Just saying.

Advizor54 said...

The comment in this post that worries me is that he thinks it's you that needs to get "on track." What does that mean? that you have to give up music, art, life, fun, and sit at home and watch soccer on TV all day? No No No.

He needs to see where he needs to change, take an interest in what you want, and cater more to your needs. My honest opinion is in line with EP, I don't see a lot of change happening in his life. He's always going to expect you to cater to him as mamma did, to shape your life around his while making all the money and providing all the sex. I've bit my tongue on this issue many times, but I think you are seeing the same ending on the horizon. Call my a cynic, but I don't think people really change. You will always be outwardly focused on art and beauty and experiences, and he will be on the couch, waiting for someone to make him dinner.

As with Rob, maybe a little break would help him by letting him think about other things. I've been following you and talking to you for a while, and I can understand how it's hard to think about anyone else. :-) Especially after your weekend together. Heck, it takes me days to focus after you HNT pics go up.


James said...

"having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves"

Sounds completely like my situation. I wish I had an answer for you or some advice. Instead, next beer i'm having on the couch i'll give a thought to you and our similar situations.

good luck. We know we deserve more, we're just afraid to make that leap and do something about it.

Johanna said...

I can't help thinking that you've started your liberation process from bf - not necessarily looking to end the relationship, but definitely placing more importance on your own needs. And he's reacting to the change. The talk about internet addiction, smoking... it's not really the issue is it. He's just frustrated and wants to regain some control of the situation which he no doubt finds confusing and worrying, probably without even knowing why. He'll probably say something completely different the next time, but it will still be his confusion and anxiety speaking. It's hard to tell if you're having the same arguments over and over again, or if he just needs some time to adjust to his partner being a bit more independent.

But I still think you'll have to ask yourself if you can live with his, from your point of view, shortcomings - for the rest of your life. I agree with Advizor - people don't really change, and if they do, they do it as a result of an inner process, never because they're asked to.

As for Rob... if he asks you to back off, because he feels he needs to distance himself, fine. But for him to ask you to offer to... no, let him take responsability for his needs, and you worry about yours. I completely understand the need for distance, you know that I do... In my experience, sometimes your desire to have it all is so strong that having just some of it is unbearable. And sometimes you just need to feel you're in charge, and backing off for a while is a way of accomplishing just that... but it's painful, too... I say enjoy every bit of it, all the way..