Ahh things have been surreal the past few days. I've been home less than a week but I feel like I've gone back in time.
Things before I left for London seemed to be going relatively well with bf our new arrangement was working fairly well I thought. I was happy with it. But when I got home bf was obviously on edge about something and I knew it wasn't the trip that was getting to him. I think it was my enthusiasm in general. Perhaps jealousy of going off on my own. I'm not sure.
After blowing up about the concert I kept my distance a bit. I just couldn't get over the reaction I guess, I wasn't helping the situation any, but I didn't think it was my place. He stormed into where I was sitting yesterday evening and ranted about something that I hadn't done, that he was expecting me to do. And then he went on about how addicted to the internet I am.
Side note. I don't know that I'm terribly addicted to the internet. I do spend time on it. But what "bothers" him is the fact that I check things in the morning, around lunch when I get home and then again before I go to bed. And to me.... that's not an addiction, but I'm not a doctor and I'm no expert on internet addictions.
So he has recently taken this tangent. He said all sorts of strange things to me yesterday. One was just strange, he said that if I was going to use internet in the house he was going to start smoking in the house. How logical is that?
We had a 3 hour argument with tears and yelling and the whole song and dance. And by the end I spilled the beans about how he had been rather cold with me from the moment I got home from London, through the pictures and through the concert frenzy and I told him how I'd felt.
I told him that I often feel like he doesn't share my interests at all, that I have to drag him to things that I know he'd enjoy, he generally refuses to come unless I insist on paying.
I told him that I felt like we didn't have anything in common. I told him that I didn't want to live my life regretting things. I told him that I felt like I didn't have a future in general. I basically implied that I didn't see a future with him. I told him that in other relationships I've seen guys more involved in making decisions about the future and talking openly about what to do, and with him that has never happened, even if I've pushed for it.
After all of that he finally got the picture and shut up and thought about what was going on. By 1:00 am he came over to me and told me he loved me, and told me that for our future, he's more than "sure" about wanting to spend his future with me. As for practical future he thinks it would be easier to get me on track than to get him on track, all I need is space really... (although I'm not sure that just space is going to resolve anything, but I suppose it's worth a try).
I am getting tired of having the same argument, having the same outcome, and then things just repeating themselves. I'm also not sure that my "future" means anything with him, if I'm the only one getting on track then what's the point?
I know deep down that the evolution with Rob is just a consequence of my situation with bf. But I am also aware that I'm probably getting in deeper than I expected. I'm probably falling for him harder than I anticipated.
Rob and I talked for a bit today, even talked a bit about our feelings. He asked me if I was in love with him and I sort of shied away from the question. I hummed and smiled, and blushed and said maybe.
I get shy about that sort of thing and as much as I'd like to be open, I'm a little afraid of it. Afraid of getting hurt I suppose.
He did say that if I make the decision to leave bf just to not do it because of him. I think he knows that I wouldn't do that. I've been thinking about a break up for ages before meeting up with him. And he also should know that I'm not expecting anything from him whatsoever, apart from perhaps meeting up again at some point.
I texted him after we got off line, just because sometimes I find it easier to text him, to write than to express with my own voice. I asked him if he thought he was falling for me, but he didn't answer, ok well he sent a silly text telling me to "go away"... I took it as silly anyhow. I take it all quite lightly. We're probably both struggling a little with our feelings and I'm not the type to push things. If he wants to tell me what he's feeling he will in time.
He asked if he should back off writing emails and texts, I think he's feeling overwhelmed by constantly thinking about things, and he wants me to tell him to back off. But I told him that I didn't want him to, but that the decision was ultimately his. He did half joke about wanting me to take some of the responsibility off of his hands though. Making that decision for him would have helped probably. But I don't want it to stop.
I myself have contemplated backing off, taking a breather. But sometimes I feel like I'd probably regret it. Other times I know that it'll hurt if we continue at this pace.