Monday, May 30, 2011

Crazy Days

Wow things have really become crazy.

Bf and I had various problems this weekend and they finally came to a halt Sunday morning. We'd been arguing or on terrible terms up to then. But Sunday was the epitome of everything. We started fighting, and bf came out with a sentence he shouldn't have said I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and walked away in tears. He came running behind me and that's when the dialogue started.

To be completely honest things are still a blur. I repeated the same things I had said in the previous discussion. I thought they had meant something to him that first time but he made me repeat them, he couldn't remember what I had said. I calmly and unbegrudgingly told him again. This time I'm assuming he heard me and understood because he asked me to forgive him, that he had made so many mistakes in the relationship, that he could change, that he would change. He asked me if I'd be willing to give him time. We could set a date and see how things have gone up to that point.

I don't really know what to think or feel. I felt terrible at first. Feeling mostly guilt for making it seem like he was the only one responsible for our situation. He's not. We are both responsible. But at the same time I think that he needed to hear those things and to come to terms with them without me giving him the loophole that I am also responsible. It would be my duty at this point to really give it my best and to really give it a chance. But I also realize that I may not have realistic views of what it should be. I've really had my true needs clouded for so long that I think they have become distorted.

We had sex after the discussion. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but I went along. He was passionate and very emotional. He kept telling me he loved me. The sex was different. It was him fucking me. That rarely happens, especially with that amount of force. He was on top, held my wrists to the bed, kissing me, but I wasn't feeling anything. I was crying. I have never cried so much during sex. The tears were streaming down my face. I don't think he noticed. Despite the fact he was on top of me, he didn't really look at me much. I ended up taking him in my mouth and I cried. The tears were from the argument, the fact that I was feeling uncertain about everything, and to boot images of Rob running through my mind. He let me guide his orgasm, it may have been the first time. He started to come in my mouth, but then he pulled out, and I don't have any idea why.

After lunch I fell asleep. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.

I woke up wanting to talk to someone so I started an email to Rob and half way through I received one from him. We ended up on Skype. We talked for more or less an hour. I obviously explained what had happened. But all in all he just kept my mind off things, made me feel better and kept me smiling. We talked about emotions, the past, meeting up again and how things have evolved.

I think that we have realized that perhaps we've been getting into this partially because we know it can't really go anywhere. Yet at the same time there has been a very drastic evolution between us over the years. I don't want it to end.


Johanna said...

Probably not a coincidence that everything is happening all at once. Hard to say what brings on what, but you seem to be getting closer to identifying your needs. Change is painful but good.

And Rob... you talked about meeting up again? And...?

Cande said...

You're right, it's not a coincidence. It's the chicken and the egg enigma... no one knows what came first. But no matter what I need a change in my life. I'll be posting again about all of this in the next day or so. I need to work a lot of it out.

This blog has also been a catalyst, not just Rob. I've needed this to happen I think.

Advizor54 said...

OMGosh, there are so many red flags here Sweetheart

I've really had my true needs clouded for so long that I think they have become distorted. You've said this several times and I think it's becoming a bigger problem. Your art, music, passion, and personality shouldn't be sacrificed to keep someone else happy.

The sex was different. It was him fucking me. Emotional, disconnected, angry sex is just a symptom of deeper issues.

I wasn't feeling anything. I was crying. This breaks my heart.

I don't think he noticed. I think this sums it all up in one line.

It's none of my business really except that you've shared so much with us and we all care about you and your happiness.

We (I) want you to be happy and secure in your decision. Talk to him, be brutally honest, set a time limit to change and work and re-evaluate, and take care of yourself.

Be bold.