Tuesday, July 27, 2010

jealousy, holes and caring.

I've been sitting here for a half hour trying to figure out how to start this post. Since I talked to Rob the other night, there are a lot of things I'd like to communicate and keep for my own record. Things only stay on Skype for so long.

I didn't want this to be the usual post... I wanted to change things up a bit but I'm not sure how (and I didn't figure it out either).

It wasn't the usual conversation with Rob either. It was not sexual, it was purely an introspection on our so-called relationship.

I grilled him on his relationship with his gf. I always thought our situations were similar, I was wrong, he's happy in his relationship. I'm happy for him. I really truly am. But at the same time I'm terribly jealous. It's the absolutely first time I've felt jealousy towards his girlfriend. It's probably because I subconsciously think that he doesn't need me like I need him. 

The reason why we have this relationship is because we're filling holes. It's my typical theory about partners not fulfilling every need that an individual has. I fill a lack of creativity and a different intelligence in his life, and he fills the lack of words and confirmation in mine. 

He said a few things I won't be forgetting soon. One is that he doesn't want me to leave my boyfriend, for one reason only, and that's because he's afraid I'd find someone else who would take his place. 
The other is that he cares about me. I know, it kinda sounds obvious. But it was really nice to hear it confirmed and verbalized.
I think we tend to stay away from that kind of (open feeling) thing with each other. We are probably worried about attachment and having to let go at some point. (At least I am)

He also brought up a good point. Since I (think I've) realized what was lacking in my relationship I am now able to ask for what I need or start changing things. But his question was whether I'd stop looking for something externally since I've been looking for so long... years. 

I don't know the answer to that question. It depends on how strong my addiction is, and how connected it is to my relationship I guess. 

He thinks I'm looking to get caught, that I am (or have been) looking for a way out. 

That could also be true.

The last thing is something that I've had a knowledge of but haven't really vocalized until now, and that is that I'm terrified of having asked my bf to tell me he loves me. I'm scared I won't be able to answer. I have never had a clear idea of my feelings for him.

Once he starts (if he starts) vocalizing his feelings for me, I think I'll need some time to understand my own feelings.


Anonymous said...

Well girl, that is a little bit fucked up, in my mind, that he doesn't want you to be happy with or without him. That is selfish on his part.

Just my take.

Cande said...

Hey Sage :-) I think I may have worded that phrase wrong. I think it'd be better phrased: "he said that the only reason that he wouldn't want me to leave my boyfriend is because he's afraid I'd find someone else."
Because he doesn't want me to stay with my bf.

And yes, it is a selfish thought, but I'm more selfish when I'm jealous of his girlfriend because they have a good relationship.

We are all selfish at times...

Anonymous said...

still not ok. He should want the best for you, even if that doesn't include him. You and your readers might scoff at this but women seem to be far more jealous. I want NO women to ever want anyone but me, of course but since I can't possibly service every woman I hope that those I want find happiness wherever they can.

It is a selfish take on his part. Yes you are included, very included, in the chicks I wanna be the man for.

Diner Nighthawk said...

I find the dynamic with your boyfriend very interesting.

If I'm following correctly, you'd like for him to vocalize his love for you, but you're not quite certain what your feelings are for him anymore or if his discovery of a voice after years without one is going to be enough to remove you from the second life you've built to compensate for his lack of affection.

Just a very interesting dynamic.

Cande said...

DN: I think you've got it spot on... yep that is definitely 100% correct. II've only just started to understand the situation. But I think you've said it so perfectly that I may have to use it at some point. Thanks. It helps...