Saturday.

It's Saturday.
If I text him he won't answer. That doesn't help the urge I have to text him.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, I'll be seeing some good friends from home while in London. I'll be seeing 4 people I really miss and want to see.

I only get the urge to cry when I sit and think about it, so I'm keeping myself busy packing and listening to music.

I don't blame him. I admire him for his devotion to her. I wish I had the same strength he has. I feel pretty terrible for even wanting to organize this. I don't have an inkling of guilt in me about it. I know I should but I don't. I spent part of the Friday that Rob texted me to tell me he was bailing on the couch trying to overcome panic attacks. My heart was beating in my throat to the point that I was coughing. But absolutely no guilt. The need is so strong for Rob that I don't see the guilt. Maybe it's hiding somewhere under there.

I just have to wait until Monday to text him. I need to hear from him. I need to know he's still there... for some reason.

How I feel.

Shame, such a shame
I think I kind of lost myself again
Day, yesterday
Really should be leaving but I stay

Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go

Feels like something
That I've done before
I could fake it
But I still want more

Fade, made to fade
Passion's overrated anyway
Say, say my name
I need a little love to ease the pain
I need a little love to ease the pain
It's easy to remember when it came

'Cause it feels like I've been
I've been here before
You are not my savior
But I still don't go, oh

I feel like something
That I've done before

I could fake it .......But I still want more, oh.

 

UNDONE

It hurts. No matter what I do or think or how angry I get it still hurts.

Rob texted a desperate message this afternoon that said "I can't do this!!!" 

He was so enthusiastic while organising this that I didn't imagine that it'd happen this time. But when yesterday evening he said he'd be on, and then he wasn't, he didn't answer my emails, and didn't answer one of my texts this morning I kinda knew that he was bailing.

Just like last time, except last time it was easier to convince him to see me. We met for the day. Nothing happened. But originally he sent me an email saying that he couldn't do it.

I asked him to talk to me, to explain on my way to a bank then a lesson and I was in the bank when he sent the second text explaining why.

"I feel awful, I haven't slept for 2 days, the guilt is killing me and I haven't done anything yet. I don't believe I'm mentally strong enough to cheat on my gf, she is lovely and I don't think she would ever do anything to hurt me, I just don't think I could live with myself. Sorry I have let you down"

I had to hold back the tears. I left the bank. Walked and tried not to think about it but it hurts. And I'm angry, there are so many things I'd like to tell him; He should have thought about this before getting me to book the flights, or that he can't be jealous of other guys I play with or hang out with online or meet if he can't meet me himself especially if I take the trouble buying flights to see him.

But it's not worth it. It's not worth getting angry. The anger doesn't make it less painful.

I'm glad that he managed to tell me. He didn't just ignore me or stop talking to me. He told me in time for me to change plans while there, I had a tight schedule between friends and Rob.

At this point I really wonder where things will go from here. I think what hurts most is that deep down I know I should let go. But I don't think I will be able to.

It's done.

I'm flying to London Monday.... Wednesday night with Rob in a hotel....

Woah, is it gonna happen??

ROB
I finally got my act together and (almost) decided to fly over. I need to get this over with. I mean honestly... Anyhow I have a week off next week and I asked Rob if it was a good idea for me to come over. He said he was up for it, but that he needed to let me know if it was feasible or not. So I gave him until Wednesday(today) or Thursday to let me know. I haven't heard from him yet. I'm a bit on edge to say the least. As soon as I get word from him I'll book my flights if he says yes. If not I'll just leave it until May when I go over for the Wall concert.

ITALIAN BOY
The Italian guy kinda managed to convince me for the second time to run away with him to Florence or Rome next week. When I realized that I'd be going away for a week with him rather than Rob I figured I should just fly out to see Rob. So yet again, I'm trying to figure out a way to let him down. I did have a long conversation with him on skype Sunday evening. I told him that I thought we were going too fast, that I was afraid of feelings (I didn't say this, but primarily his). He agreed to having to be careful about the feelings.

CO-WORKER
I've been working 10 hour days recently between the three jobs I have. I have been spending quite a bit of time at the job where Co-worker works, but unfortunately we haven't been working in close contact these days. There are two "new" girls that are working with us temporarily and he's been working with them for the past 2 weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't had time to noticed whether or not he behaves the same with me as he does with them.
He did bump me on the ass again last week, but other than that there hasn't been anything of note in terms of the physical contact.
Today we had a conversation about astrology and he's a Cancer. I said some generalisations about Cancers, and he asked what I was, and he said "Oh! Taurus... that's why... either I love them or I hate them." Ok, so it's nothing important... but something that I caught as interesting.

Banned

Ok I'm going to bitch a bit today.

I tried posting last week but for some reason blogger wasn't working the way it usually does. I couldn't upload pictures on Wednesday or copy and paste a post I had written previously. I even had an HNT pic to schedule for Thursday. And I didn't get either of them up.

I'm also getting tired of so many things... frustrated more than tired.

CHATROULETTE

I was on chatroulette last night, caught a cute guy, thought he might be american, he looked american, but he was Italian. So many f***ing Italians on chatroulette since they did that news report on it... Arrrgggg.
We played around, and we didn't exchange contact info because he had a gf and I don't need another Italian temptation. He was really super close to where I live too. I'm talking less than an hour by train. We did have fun though.

Then, the strange thing... I got banned from Chatroulette!!! I mean WTF? hmm perhaps it is for the best. Now I'm wondering if maybe my neighbours were on.... they're using my internet. I don't think I got reported...Anyhow I'm back on... I had to turn the modem off and voilà, I'm back on!

ITALIAN BOY

Italian boy is pushing hard to get together with me. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him no. Yesterday he said that he is stubborn... no kidding... He told me not to sleep and to think about what excuse to use with bf so that we could discuss it today... um... a little overboard??

Anyhow I think today I'll tell him that bf is getting suspicious or something. I am afraid that this guy is going to be tough to get rid of.

ROB


I wanted to take a bit of time and distance from him, but it's not working. He texted me, told me how much he was thinking about me, and I didn't resist answering back... and I've been thinking about him way too much, about his cock inside me. That's all I really want.

But today I go onto my hotmail account and he has changed the picture on the live MSN thing, and he has a new "friend" on there too. I shouldn't care but I noticed.

I remember a conversation we had years ago. He said to me that the friendship we had was different from others because he felt that he could be completely honest with me. Maybe it was at the time, I think  things have changed.

Tastes Change

Is your relationship lacking in the sex department? Is your wife/partner bored with the way you have sex? Do you initiate sex the same way every time? Is it time to spice things up in the bedroom?

Sexual tastes change over the years. Oh yes, I am the living proof. I'm sure that sexual tastes change for just about everyone. We come to a point in our lives where we have accomplished a certain sexual maturity and knowledge and the more immature needs turn into more 'sophisticated' needs. We are influenced throughout our lives by the people we meet and have relations with, people we talk to, things we see and read, movies we watch and even internet porn. It would be impossible not to change. 

Would it be totally wrong to ask your partner if their tastes have changed? would it be a mistake? is it better to try to fumble in the dark and figure it out?

I know that at the beginning of a relationship discovery is important and it's certainly better to have some mystery in the bedroom. But after 10 years (or more) of being with someone I think we tend to get ingrained into a certain style of having sex. It's hard to fathom that people change over the years. It's hard to see your partner as the 40 or 50 year old he/she is. We (at least me) often still imagine our partners as who they were when we met them or when our knowledge of them was concretised. 

So would it be wrong to ask our partners what they like in bed?

Music

The vibrating base can be felt from the feet up through the body to the head. The sound is deafening, it's the sensation that the world is in another dimension. It's there you just can't hear it. Like taking a painkiller. The pain is subdued, but you know it's still there. It's just your brain tricked into thinking it's not.


The music surrounds you and envelops you. It wraps its cold tentacles around you, the beat pounding as if you had a second heart. Your body gets confused, your breathing quickens to match the beat and the adrenaline hits you. 


Sweaty bodies everywhere, warm and humid, moving unanimously to the sneaky rhythm, jumping, pounding and swaying. Slithering together like a colony of ants on a drop of honey. They’ve got one mind, one soul, and the world is gone around them.

Hands reach around your waist, slipping easily over your skin leaving a trail of warmth on your belly. A gravitational strength pulls you closer. The music has taken over your mind you can’t comprehend so you just go with the flow. Your sensations are impeded, but you can feel his breath on your neck, it’s different from the rest of the humidity in the air, it’s sweeter, it’s warmer, it’s closer. His lips graze that perfect curve between your neck and your shoulder. Your head lolls to the side while your eyes roll back into your head and you forget the music altogether.

All sound is gone. It’s there, just like the world is still there, you know it is. You just can’t see it or hear it anymore. Your world has centred onto that moment, that sensation of him. His breath, his hands, his strength, his warmth. 

Oh yeah!

Co-Worker


How could I possibly forget about this episode???
I was sitting on the couch one evening, I had bf and another group friend sitting across from me. They both know Co-worker. I was writing an email to a friend of mine on my Gmail account and as you probably know there's a chat option. I saw Co-worker on so I sent him a little note saying hi. We chatted a moment and then he asked if I had a cam. I was confused. He was obviously speaking in Italian but he used the word cam instead of Telecamera, the Italian word.

In any case he wanted me to help him set it up so that he could video chat with Gmail.
After a bunch of installations and updates on his side, he finally got it worked out. And we turned the cams on, and used voice. Our friend by that time had already gone home. I told bf what was going on.. obviously, he would have been somewhat suspicious had I started talking to some invisible person on internet....

He had slow internet which cut us off a couple of times. And eventually I told him that I had to go.

I've been hoping to see him online while bf is out at some point. I don't have any idea what I'd do or if anything but friendly chatting would happen, but I still look forward to it.

So much going on, yet so little...

ROB

Things are up and down as usual. Rob and I had a rough little chat the other day. It was my fault entirely. I asked him if he would come to Rome for a few days if I booked a hotel there. I was thinking that it'd be relatively easy for me to get down there for a weekend. 

I sent the text in the morning and got no answer. Then I caught him on FB chat in the afternoon (which is unusual), and I asked him if he got my message, he said "yeah, I'll be on tonight we'll talk about it then". 

Then we met up on skype, he didn't want to turn on the cam (hence no visuals... always makes things difficult to understand what the other person is inflecting or feeling). And he asked me if I had anything I wanted to ask him... I said that I had already asked him, and he said he'd never be able to pull it off.

I guess throughout the day, I had gotten my hopes up too high. When I saw him on FB I figured there'd actually be something to talk about. But then those hopes went crashing and burning to the ground. I was left feeling disappointed, and generally pissy... He could tell from the way I was writing and he told me to go to bed. 

If he had told me no straight away after my first text, it would have been easier for me. I was expecting him to say no. It was the FB thing that put me on the wrong track.

At that point I told Rob the truth, I needed to get it off my chest. I told him that a 22 yr old Italian guy asked me if I'd go to Rome with him. Italian Guy had made it sound so easy, (and he was jumping at the idea). I didn't/don't want to go with the Italian guy, I'd rather go with Rob. So I figured I'd ask him. When he declined I felt like he wasn't making an effort... but it's not the case. It was pretty unreasonable and unrealistic of me to expect him to fly out to Rome. He's right, he'd never be able to explain that to his girlfriend.

Since then I caught him on line this morning for 15 minutes. The conversation was lacking in general. I need to get some distance for a bit I think. I haven't heard or seen him much online in the past while (apart these two episodes), it had been a month or so since we really had time to chat, but I think I just need to get some distance after this.

I'm wondering if Rob is taking his distances too at times. I feel a bit strange, I've always been 100% honest with him, I've never lied to him or even withheld information from him really... unless I know he doesn't want to hear something. But I get the feeling sometimes that I'm not getting the same treatment. Simple things, perhaps stupid things like the fact that he knows my real full name and I don't know his. I wonder what he's afraid of and that he chats or doesn't with other people. Argh... whatever, I shouldn't think about shit like that. It'll just mess with my head.

ITALIAN GUY

The Italian guy has not let up his quest. I have tentatively said that I'd like to go... because when I talk to him, see him on Skype I honestly feel like I do. When he's gone my mind starts working again and I don't want to go anymore.... So I told him I might get away after Halloween, which will keep him happy for a while... then I'll figure out how to tell him no. 

CO-WORKER

I had an interesting event with the Co-Worker the other day. Let me start by saying that our contact has been reduced a little, he doesn't come to eat at the cafeteria with me and the others anymore, I'm assuming he's trying to save money because he brings his lunch from home. The physical contact has reduced too... although when there is contact it is different... a little more lingering. He grabbed my hands twice yesterday to see if they were cold. I plunged my freezing hands down the back of his shirt to see his reaction, and he didn't blink. 

The event of note was at the end of Wednesday afternoon I said I was going to go home and jump into a boiling hot shower to warm up and get clean. He mumbled something that I didn't quite catch and I asked him what he'd said. He got a slightly embarrassed look on his face and said jokingly"don't suppose you need someone to scrub your back for you?" I laughed and said yes. And he got all flustered and said "what? wait, no... you can't..." and then I walked out of the room grinning. No-one was around so no-one noticed the episode. 

I had the worst urge to write him a text after my shower telling him that I had missed his company. But I refrained. I was afraid his girlfriend would read it by mistake or something. That would have gotten me and him into a ton of trouble. 

CHATROULETTE

I was on chatroulette the other day while bf was out. I stumbled upon two Finnish men who were drinking wine and eating sausages. It was hilarious. One was really hot, the other was sort of a roley poley bearish guy with a great sense of humor. I asked them if they were eating bratwurst, and they answered Moose. I started laughing and the conversation got surreal from there. The showed me their wine, they asked me if I had any, and I decided to open a bottle of white that I had in the fridge. I got tipsy chatting with them. They absolutely cracked me up. It was the most I'd laughed in ages. Bf then got home and I typed in my skype address, but I didn't get any request. I think one was married with kids. He was filling a baby bottle with milk at one point, while the other took me on a tour of the house. 

*I've decided that I'd format my updates in little mini chapters... that way people can skip parts they don't like... heheh I think it's easier than doing separate posts for each topic. I just don't have time. Once I sit down to write I might as well write it all down.*

What do you want to hear?

I have this urge to write, but I don't know what to write. 

Should I talk about what I want you to do to me? What I want to feel right now? What I'd be willing to do for you right now?

I'd be willing to get down on my knees and suck you off. I'd be willing to just submit to you, I'd be willing have you fuck me on my new shag carpet (and there was a pun intended there, although it was unavoidable). 

 I got this fantastic rug at IKEA yesterday, it's all soft and fuzzy and I've been fantasizing about having sex on it. I'm somehow sure I'd get carpet-burn though.

I'd be willing to have you fuck me from behind with a hand pulling hair and head around to make me watch, or in front of a mirror so I could watch everything. I would taste myself on you, lap up all the juices and ask for more. I want to hear your words, sighs, grunts and groans. I want to feel the warmth of your body next to mine and the cold of the air on my naked skin while you do what you want with me. 

I want to feel your fingers in my mouth, probing me and wandering across my body. 

I want to discover you, find out what makes you tick, feel every part of you, feel the skin stretch across your muscles. I want to memorize your smell, ingrain it into my brain. And I want to learn every inch of your body.

Let's Rationalise.

It's funny how our minds rationalise things.

I can justify cheating on bf if it's something that I've been wanting to do for a long time, like to fuck Rob. I can rationalise cheating on bf if it's a threesome because it's something that I don't want to miss out on in my lifetime.

But I can't rationalise just having random sex with a good looking 22 yr old.

Why can't I rationalise that? It's just as bad as the others....

What's keeping me from doing it? I have the opportunity... I can organise it relatively easily.

My body wants to, but my mind says that I'd be "cheating". My rationalisation isn't rational, is it?  I think I'll have smoke coming out of my ears in a few minutes. My mind is going into overload trying to figure this out.

Maybe I should give in to all temptation.

Two people have mentioned this quote in two days:

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it - Oscar Wilde


All I can say here is that it is absolutely true, then again this came from a man who died destitute at the age of 46, and was imprisoned for sodomy and gross indecency.

At the time, gay relations were illegal and he gave into temptation only to be caught and sent to jail.

The Urge

The urge to flirt and conquest is so strong at times it almost takes over my physical actions.
While riding my bike today I happened to look down a side street that had the patio of a coffee bar. There was a guy sitting with friends there and we made eye contact. I had sunglasses on, mirrored ones, so I'm not sure how all this went down, but I'm positive he was looking me straight in the eyes.

He was talking to his friends and staring straight at me. And I just kept watching. I didn't take my eyes off him. He wasn't particularly attractive to me, although he wasn't by any means ugly. He just wasn't my type. I don't know what cam over me but I just wanted to go back to see what he'd do, I wanted to get off my bike and walk past and smile, I wanted to gain his trust, I wanted to go out on the prowl and claim my prize....

a kiss

They were saying goodbye. He was running for a train. They had spent the afternoon together and they were both on edge the whole time, almost to the point that they were both feeling queasy. She was "taken" and they had basically been wandering around the town where she lived. They could run into someone she knew too easily. 

They were both shy and no one would take the first step, but time was running out, they only had 15 minutes before his train was in. 

He stammered sentences; something about having a good time, something about meeting up again. She wasn't concentrating on what he was saying. She just stared at him and started giggling nervously. She stopped him, told him that it was awkward and said "what should we do... should we..." She pointed at him then at herself and he understood. 

It was a matter of seconds, the gravitational pull forced them together, his hand reached for the nape of her neck, hair tangling between his fingers,  and the other slid slowly down her back to her ass. They were locked into an intense kiss, they had both wanted it so badly. She was utterly aware of every sensation, yet her mind was clouded. Her actions were not connected to her thoughts. It felt like some sort of organised confusion.

His lips soft against hers contrasting with the grazing abrasion of their teeth which was so similar to the sensation she felt below; the metal of their belts knocked together when he pulled her in closer. She could taste his sweet minty breath from the gum she had offered him and her hand automatically reached for his jaw pulling him in even closer, wanting only to feel the sensations of his skin in her hand. 

It only lasted two short minutes that seemed to make time stand still, then he backed away from her and started talking again. 

That was it. It was over. He was walking away. She started to turn, started to wave, but he came back towards her. His hand reached out for her head a second time and that magnetic connection was made yet again. This time tasting more, her tongue slipped in between his lips, gliding under his teeth parted just enough to let her in. The tips of their tongues met for an instant and then pulled away. Her lips moved down to his bottom lip to take it between hers to feel its suppleness.

The second kiss lasted less than the first. And they parted this time walking away immediately, only glancing back to see if the other was moving away. A wave and he was gone. As he moved further into the lights that lit the front of the train station, she melted into the darkness of the street ahead of her.

Bad Judgement.

I think I've been making mistakes in judgement.

I thought that everyone behaved the same on internet. I figured everyone just got naked and played around... I don't think that's always the case. I now honestly believe that there are people, even with the opportunities, that don't think of it. It doesn't come to mind. Or maybe it does, but they don't do it for one reason or another.

I'm going to have to review my own behaviour I think.

The best part

The best part of sex is that initial penetration. That moment when it's slippery and wet, but not enough to get a good hard cock in smoothly.
I like that little leap of faith that has to be made to penetrate a wet but tight pussy.
That initial tightness and then slip into bliss. That feeling of pressure, of force to make it into the depths of the moist cavern where it will slide and slip and bring the internal juices outward.
It really is taking a chance, pushing in beyond the initial sensation of tension. It's like a relationship; getting past the emotional tension, the warmth and love is to be found beyond.
That success is what makes me moan; that penetration of one body almost forced into the other while obviously accepted.