Saturday, March 5, 2011

Down and out

This evening... I feel really lonely. I don't have any real reason to. I've got so many cool friends in my real life, and in my online life that I really should feel grateful.

I appreciated the various emails and comments on the last post. I went to see the doctor today but the health care system here is a bit slow. So I'll be getting an ultrasound done next Friday, and I've got an appointment to see a gastrointerologist next week too. I need to book an appointment to get an endoscopy done, a gyno appointment and another ultrasound on the ovaries but those will be harder, the earliest appointments are available sometime between April and May.

I'm feeling a bit down and out, not just because of the health stuff. I was in pretty good spirits up to this afternoon when I got home from the doctor's appointment. I found more ash on the stove top along with a glass with a few millimetres of water in the bottom with more ash in it. So bf smoked again. I asked him what the glass with ash in it was, and he got all flustered and said there was ash on the counter top and that he had wiped it into the glass. He changed where it was twice and a half hour later he got up and told me the story again, changing the information yet again. He kept sustaining that it was incense ash. I haven't burned incense in over a month. He knows I didn't believe him. I kept thinking "choose my battles, choose them" and I let the whole thing drop.

Over dinner he told me that he thought my health problems were not, as I had often sustained, due to work stress, but due to problems between us. That I tend to build up anger and unsaid problems towards him.
Strange thing is that I don't really have any pent up anger with him at the moment... or I didn't until the smoking incident today.

Co-worker is going away for three weeks. He leaves Monday. That also makes me feel lonely. And I haven't really heard from Rob lately. We caught up on line a few days ago, but it was a really short. I told him that I was down with the flu, which is what I thought it was. But I haven't heard from him since. He hasn't texted even to say hi or see how I am. I'm sure he's busy but nonetheless it hasn't helped my mood either.

Another reason for my mood is food. I'm such a huge food person, especially chocolate and bread. And I can't eat either of those. I made brownies for a dinner Thursday and practically they're all just sitting there waiting to be eaten. I'm thinking I should just forget the "diet" and pig out on brownies so that I end up in hospital and get the tests and ultrasounds done basically for free....


Ethan Lambert said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent-not-so-recent health problems! I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it turns out to be something minor, perhaps symptoms of chocolate and bread withdrawals.

I hear you on the alone in a sea of friends things. Perhaps that's why the secret blogging is such a big deal for people like us... knowing that there's are other people out there that are just as crazy as us.

Johanna said...

So sorry you're feeling sad. Sometimes I'm amazed at how poorly men seem to grasp when a woman needs sympathy and consideration, in great doses. To me it seems a small bite of a brownie might do you more good than harm right now... Hope things get better really soon.

Advizor54 said...

i had to chuckle at what I am calling the "Cande Brownie Health Care Strategy", or the CBHCS. Seems like an interesting approach. Force yourself into crisis to get the care you needed in the first place. Sounds dangerous, but I applaud your creative thinking.

The sadness is natural though, the combination of stresses, physical, mental, relationships, and food combine to sap us of our enthusiasm for fighting the battles and our melancholy returns. My mother's advice was always the same when I got in such moods, and I quote, "Drink lots of water, have a big bowel movement, and get outside for a walk."

It didn't work all the time, but it lifted my spirits on many days, and it still works. I guess my only encouragement is to take good care of yourself while you are in the diagnostics phase. Lots of healthy habits, good sleep, plenty of sunshine, laughter when it can be found companionship when offered, sex when it's appreciated, and a real focus on yourself.

And seriously, get the BF some nicorette or something to helping him stop smoking. Maybe get your doctor to send home a note saying that your problems are triggered by tobacco allergies.

As you take care of yourself you will get the energy to deal with everything else. And know what we are all out here to support you

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

The feeling of loneliness even surrounded by friends is a tough one, but it will pass. I know it is not easy when you are in pain, but try to relax and do something that makes you feel good. You have more friends than you know :)

Kenny said...

I have to say that you are one of the hottest bloggers out there. I WAIT for you HNT's and eat them up. Just KNOW that you are amazing beautiful...sometimes that helps.

Hope the health problems resolve. Fibormyalgia is a bitch...I feel for ya.

Water, good food, rest and like advizor said, a good bowel movement....HAHAHA!! I love it...

That Girl said...

awww, feel sorry for you. i have a friend that has FM, she's in constant pain. i don't know how she does it. i tip my hat to people who can tolerate this like you seem to be doing well.

as advizor says, there aren't too many things that feels quite as good as a great BM ... well maybe a few things which it sounds like you've got under control :)

get some fresh air and some exercise if you can. i'm sending you some happy thoughts today.