Thursday, March 31, 2011

Who Wants Who More?

Relationships are strange. In a relationship there always seems to be one person who is "more" attracted than the other. There is never a perfect balance of the emotions felt on one side and on the other.

This scares me. It scares me sometimes because, on one hand, I think that I'm putting too much energy and effort into something that I'm not sure will be mirrored. And on the other hand (since I consider myself with basically two relationships at the moment) I am on the receiving end like with bf giving me more attention than I give him often.

In a long term relationship I think that the roles can swap and switch depending on the moment, external factors and emotional state of the person involved. There are times when bf and I are equally "in love" and other times when I dote on him more than he on me, and vice versa (which is often the case) when he dotes on me more. 

It's the same with Rob. There seems to be an ebb and flow of feelings and needs that underlie the "relationship" (for lack of a better name... thinking about it Cyberlationship might work, and hey it's in the urban dictionary!) on both sides. There are times when I'm more in touch with him and text him more than he is (the most common scenario) and other times when he is more in touch with me (rare, but happens on occasion like when he signed up as a follower on my blog). 

I should know by now that this happens. But it still scares me a bit when I go that small step without return or acknowledgement.  


Anonymous said...

want want want

LOL us poor men can never compete to win the hearts and minds of the ladies

Advizor54 said...

For my thoughts on this, see, i don't know, my entire blog. Lift is full of disparity in relationships, from the overall tone to individual pieces, who wants more sex, who does the work, who cooks, cleans, brings home the money? We are constantly seeking to find compatibility in the areas that we deem most important.

I dealt with this in a post a couple of days ago, sometimes, when it gets bad, you have to force yourself to pull back, to care less, but most of the time, as the comments to my post show, you have to give in to the love, the risk, the dangers of giving yourself to another, Focus on the joy, the fun, the passion without the fear of what might happen. My readers were much more optimistic than me, and that's my advice to you, enjoy what you have when you have it.

And if Rob's not stepping up, remember that I've been madly.... well, ahem, we'll save that for another day....


Anonymous said...

although i think you are right that it's all part of a relationship and that ebb and flow that you mentioned but can understand feeling resentment if you feel like you're giving more.
i don't think this is a bad thing to recognize either.

i sometimes bring this kinda thing up with my husband and he says things like 'oh, so we're keeping track now', in a sarcastic kinda tone. (grrrr)

well ya, if it gets to the point where you're actually giving it some thought, there is obviously something going on. good thing to sit down and talk about it.

like advizor, (and the post he referenced is worth the read) i have a habit of caring too much. i suppose though, it's better than caring too little ....

cheshirecat said...

I've been reading your blog for a year now and from what I've read, it seems like you've been the one putting in the most effort the whole time with Rob.

Johanna said...

I read this post yesterday and it's been in my head ever since. (I'm a slow thinker :-)

First, I think the "wanter or wantee" balance, or lack thereof, is accentuated in an online relationship. In real life there are so many ways of showing commitment, and it's probably very individual what you place weight on so in the end it's always open to subjectivity. But in a "cyberlationship" (tasting the word now, hm...) there's one primary way: Get in touch or not. It's so easily measured. Of course there's the issue of what kind of involvement you put out there once you do talk, what you say and don't say etc... but getting in touch or not, that's still number one. Making time or not. Talking five minutes or three hours. It makes it so very obvious who wants more.

Then for the actual issue of how to handle it... I think it's about the fear of ruining something by reaching out "too much" or "too little". I try to move away from that and simply be true to my feelings. I talk (or make myself available to talk) when I want to talk, without caring if how it will be perceived at his end. But then, as I pondered in my post of yesterday when I was feeling really low, of course it's not that easy. At all.