Monday, January 31, 2011


So I got four extremely interesting comments on my "conclusions" post that I wanted to answer. First of all, before I go into each comment individually I want to say that each of you brought up things that were extremely true and each of you hit a different truth. Even if some of your comments are contrasting, they each have elements that are useful to me.

I agree with accepting his apology for what it is, and I also think it may be a good idea to revisit the topic at a later date... I'm not sure it will happen though, I may just let it slide as Kenny suggests but as Johanna says often what I need is proof that he knows what he's apologizing for.

You hit so many raw nerves in your comment. He has changed a lot over the years, I'm sure we both have. But I think that he has changed more than I have. This is one reason behind his comment of not wanting to change. He probably was like this when I met him, but I think that at the beginning of a relationship you tend to do your best to please, so making unnecessary comments on how much you hate a gift was probably avoided on his part.

your second comment hit the nail right on the head. We are exactly that, two beasts co-existing for the sake of habit and not so much for love. I have written that myself when I first started this blog, it was my fear, but the fear is now becoming more concrete. I've been told by a professional counsellor though that a relationship built like this is probably more solid than one built on passion. Or I guess she said: "sometimes we don't marry the people we are madly in love with" (I made the above conclusion) and so I have stuck with it.

Ahh you've noticed it too then. It's not just me. The intimacy does peter out after things like this. One by one they eat away at the relationship don't they? That's exactly it though. I was expecting something more from his apology. I think though that men and women see apologies and how to apologize differently. I was probably expecting flowers and chocolates, and he figured saying "I love you" or coming to see me in bed and caressing my face and hair for 20 minutes was an apology. It's hard to know what the other person has in heart and in mind. And as Kenny said, men are really bad mind readers.

You're right... perhaps I should just move on and try again. Problem is this, I've tried this little surprise once and it didn't fail but almost, I tried it again and it failed miserably. Compare that to your horse analogy and you'll get something like: I got bucked off the horse the first time and I got back on and rode and it was ok, then I tried riding again because I enjoyed it and thought the horse did too, but he bucks me off again but this time he tramples me under foot. I'm not sure I'd get back on after that... I'd be freaked that he'd walk all over me again.

We'll see... We haven't had sex yet, it's been over a week. He has hinted at wanting to, I have pretended to not understand. It is no different than what normally goes down I suppose. I wish that he were the type of guy who when in need just comes and gets it... Throws me on the bed type of guy. But he's not. So I wait for a more decisive move on his part and I think in a few weeks things will be back to normal.

One thing that did happen was that I was in a bit of depression Saturday morning. He came and talked to me in bed. And we decided to set some goals for April. He's going to get a move on getting his certificate for his new job prospect (yay!) and I'm going to get a studio space by april (YAY!) So I'll have more space and time on my own even if he doesn't get his certificate. We'll help each other stay on track that way.
I think part of what set me up for a morning of depression was an older guy at the pub the other evening, he set down 7 coasters in a row, and took off two at the top end and said, those are your 60th and 70th years those are going to be spent in retirement. Then he said, "how old are you?" The young guy he was talking to said 35, so he then took another two off the bottom (10 and 20s) and tore a 3rd in half. He said, while looking at the remaining two and a half, "that's what you've got left to make it worth while".

I turned to look at him and told him that it was going to put me into a crisis, and that he wasn't allowed to do that in a pub while people are drinking and getting drunk. And he said "sure I can, it'll give you direction". I think he was right... so was I (it put me in a crisis), but it has also put things into perspective. He was the boss of the company London girl used to work for.


Anonymous said...

Wow, I don't think I would want to hear that while I was drinking either. LOL

Johanna said...

First - thank you so much for the comment on my blog, my first! :-) I'm very glad to have found you - we may lead very different lives, but still seem to have a lot in common... And I'm very glad you inspired me to start my own blog/diary.

After a couple of intense and passionate (and completely exhausting) relationships, instead I quite deliberately opted for a relationship based on trust, a common ground and affection. It has given me a good, loving, stable marriage - and, 15 years later, an intense longing for adventure, intensity and great sex, hahaha! The grass is always greener...

I'm trying to satisfy those needs in the least hurtful way I could think of - online. I'll never know whether it's the right thing to do, but I do know it has solved quite a few problems for me and my husband both. I might choose to handle it differently in the years to come.

I also have to say I admire your courage in what you did (tried to do) for your boyfriend. I completely understand how vulnerable it made you. (And may I also add, with regards to your last post, that I've watched loads of gay porn over the last couple of years, and find it so, so hot....)

Advizor54 said...

I'm glad my little insights helped get you thinking. I agree with Johanna, that he does need to know what he's apologizing for, otherwise they are just empty words.

As for not having sex... don't wait. If you want him, take him. If you have a need to feel close to him, to bridge the gap, to make contact, you fulfill that need for yourself. You want him to be a more take charge guy, but you have to keep yourself happy as well.

Go get him, and tell us all about it. :-)

Eden said...

Thanks for replying to the comment. I think your reply offers good insight.

My intention was not to come across as though I was speaking all-knowingly form some sort of online pulpit, just to relay what I'd been perceiving. But you put things into perspective. I appreciate people do change over time and habit becomes a part of that and it can bring stability, but I guess I was looking to see if there was still contentment, which I hope there is if you are with him.

I know some time has passed since the outburst. I hope things are going a little better now.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE the coaster story....I am officially stealing it and am going to use it at bars across Arizona.

Second...I agree with Advizor..if you want him...take him.

Oh, and with the analogy...if the horse keeps bucking you eventually make glue out of it...FYI

Cande said...

Joe: you're right it was pretty harsh for sure!

Johanna: I will definitely be keeping tabs on your blog to see how things proceed I'm very curious. I wish I had started my blog much earlier than I did, I feel like I've forgotten a lot. So keep it up! As for the gay porn. I've only watched one video and it was not exactly sex, just oral, but yes it was hot... I'll have to explore that more for sure.

Advizor: I probably should... yes... I'll have to push myself a bit. I'll update when it happens.

Eden: Oh goodness no! You definitely didn't sound like an online pulpit at all!! haha I was so astounded by your insight it almost blew me away... Especially the thing about two different beings co-existing... I never agreed with the counsellor about that.. but I have stuck with it none the less.. I still have MAJOR doubts about my choice!
Whether there's contentment... that's a very good question. There is but the question is how much I suppose.
Things are going better for sure! thanks xoxo

Kenny: steal away, the coaster story is a great story and perhaps most psychologically effective when tipsy, not completely trashed, you wouldn't remember it. But a few drinks do help put things into perspective often.

Perhaps glue is a good idea.... hmmm

Diner Nighthawk said...

"that's what you've got left to make it worth while"

I want that on a shirt somehow :-)