Wednesday, January 26, 2011

The conclusion... or is it?

The make-up story went like this

I woke up Monday morning, talked to my dad on skype for a bit (neither bf or I are really working much these days), laughed with him and was going to go about my day giving bf the cold shoulder while I tried to figure out how to go about normally with the rest of my day. Bf walked into the guest bedroom after I finished with my dad. I was in the middle of watching a video on youtube. And he said that he wanted to talk. I took my headphones out and he started talking.

He started by talking about the first argument. How he hadn't gotten over the fight and how he couldn't switch back to normal just like that. We started arguing again on the same topic as the first argument and eventually got back on track to what had happened the night before. To make a long story short, he apologised for the way he behaved, he said I'm sorry about 5 times. But I just kept crying and he kept asking me if I had understood. He said that he shouldn't have behaved that way. I told him that it feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him at all, whether it's a gift or a surprise he always has something negative to say. And he admitted that he does that and that it's not very nice. He said that he will try to avoid that, but then, I think he thought about it again and said that it was part of his character and that he didn't think he should change it. And then he was a bit back and forth on that one.... strange.

So he gave me hugs and I cried, I calmed down and then he left to do something and then he came back all of a sudden and said "I love you" and gave me another hug. He has never done that before. It's the first time he has said, I love you like that, and I think he may have even shed a tear he was slightly emotional and walked off right away. He has never cried in front of me in 12.5 years. And I still can't say after this that I have seen it, but I'm pretty sure he was close.

What I don't know is how far an "I'm sorry" goes. Does an I'm sorry heal everything. Does it mean that I shouldn't feel hurt? Does it mean that I should stop thinking about it? does it mean that I should give up making him understand how horrible I felt? Because I'm not sure whether he understands how horrible it was for me. I didn't tell him it was demeaning. I didn't tell him I felt terribly embarrassed. I didn't tell him how much emotional effort went into that evening, getting past my emotional embarrassment of dressing up for him, fearing being ridiculed and then getting exactly what I feared.

I'm afraid this will take longer than we both let on.... especially me.

He crawled into bed Tuesday morning after he had already been up for a while, I was just waking up, but nothing happened. Sometimes we have nice morning sex like that. But it just wasn't happening. I think he wanted to, but I honestly did have a lot of things to get done, but it was also a bit of an excuse I don't know what it's going to take for me to get back to normal.

In all honesty too... I was expecting flowers or chocolates or something. He went out that morning to pick some stuff up, he even went into the market and I'm pretty sure there's a flower stand there, but I guess he didn't think of it.

One other random observation I had during all of this... my cry in the shower on Sunday eve was strange. Now generally when you have a good cry you feel a bit better. I don't know if it was because I was just so numb or because of the shower itself. But the fact that you can't feel the tears run down your face makes it seem like you aren't actually crying. I think that the actual tears on your skin must do something... if they're washed away... it's just not the same effect.

Thanks for all the kind words of comprehension in the comments yesterday, I do appreciate them and learn from everything.


Advizor54 said...

You know I'm biased and totally in your camp on this, but i think you need to accept his apology for what it is, an acknowledgment on his part that he was wrong, but not let it be the end.

In a few days you can revisit what happened and help him understand how it made you feel and how it makes you feel about the future with him. He needs to know this is deeper than just one night.

The one line that worries me most in the post, is this, "he thought about it again and said that it was part of his character and that he didn't think he should change it."

He SHOULDN'T change it? Its one thing t feel like you cant change, but to choose not to change for the woman you love it a mindset that worries me.

Eden said...

In a way - I agree with the above comment. I think it's nice when we do what he can to please our other half, including making an effort to change certain things when we care about them. But I also think that it could be bumpy territory to expect him to change if this obstacle is something that has always been a part of his character. Now, I could be totally off base here - I've never been in a relationship as long as yours - but maybe unless his character has evolved a great deal from when you met him, he may be thinking "well, I was like this when you met me, what's the problem?" and will be stubborn to change when asked, especially if asked after a heated disagreement.

Also, I hope what I say won't come across as too outspoken, but these last couple of posts kinda reinforce how your BF has come across to me in most of your posts about him since I started reading your blog - that he doesn't really 'get' you, and perhaps that's why he is quite passive about your efforts. I'm not excusing his recent outburst because it was not nice, but picturing a solid connection between you guys has very often been difficult from my end of the blog world. It's like you're two different beasts who coexist out of habit more than out of a having a true connection, even with the ups as well as the downs.

Again, perhaps I'm just an ignorant creature, I've not had a relationship last past a few years so I'm perhaps totally clueless to how to deal with such long-term relationships. But I do really hope you are feeling OK, and that the next steps are constructive for the two of you.

Johanna said...

Sometimes, what you need is not a simple apology, but proof that he knows what he's apologising for. And you can't tell him exactly what you need, because you have to know for certain that it comes from him, on his own initiative, or it's not worth a thing. If that doesn't happen, you can still both forget all about it, and you'll carry on. But each time it happens, the intimacy between the two of you will be reduced by and inch or two, irrevocably.

That's what it's like for me, anyway. I hope you'll work it out.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand how you feel. Saying sorry does not make the pain go away. AND from now on this will play out in the back of your mind when you want to step out and do something nice again.

My marriage of 20 years was CHALK FULL of this BS...

I do have to say that if you want to move on with him you will need to get over this. Remember that men are REALLY BAD mind readers...expecting flowers or candies may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

You got bucked off your horse....
What do you do when your horse bucks you off....
Get back on the horse...right away...

My suggestion: If you want to stay with him...let it go...accept the apology and the stupid "this is how I am"...

Pick a day and give him some sexy warning...try it again.

Now that he has been warned...he had better not fuck it up...and he should know that...