The make-up story went like this
I woke up Monday morning, talked to my dad on skype for a bit (neither bf or I are really working much these days), laughed with him and was going to go about my day giving bf the cold shoulder while I tried to figure out how to go about normally with the rest of my day. Bf walked into the guest bedroom after I finished with my dad. I was in the middle of watching a video on youtube. And he said that he wanted to talk. I took my headphones out and he started talking.
He started by talking about the first argument. How he hadn't gotten over the fight and how he couldn't switch back to normal just like that. We started arguing again on the same topic as the first argument and eventually got back on track to what had happened the night before. To make a long story short, he apologised for the way he behaved, he said I'm sorry about 5 times. But I just kept crying and he kept asking me if I had understood. He said that he shouldn't have behaved that way. I told him that it feel like he doesn't appreciate anything I do for him at all, whether it's a gift or a surprise he always has something negative to say. And he admitted that he does that and that it's not very nice. He said that he will try to avoid that, but then, I think he thought about it again and said that it was part of his character and that he didn't think he should change it. And then he was a bit back and forth on that one.... strange.
So he gave me hugs and I cried, I calmed down and then he left to do something and then he came back all of a sudden and said "I love you" and gave me another hug. He has never done that before. It's the first time he has said, I love you like that, and I think he may have even shed a tear he was slightly emotional and walked off right away. He has never cried in front of me in 12.5 years. And I still can't say after this that I have seen it, but I'm pretty sure he was close.
What I don't know is how far an "I'm sorry" goes. Does an I'm sorry heal everything. Does it mean that I shouldn't feel hurt? Does it mean that I should stop thinking about it? does it mean that I should give up making him understand how horrible I felt? Because I'm not sure whether he understands how horrible it was for me. I didn't tell him it was demeaning. I didn't tell him I felt terribly embarrassed. I didn't tell him how much emotional effort went into that evening, getting past my emotional embarrassment of dressing up for him, fearing being ridiculed and then getting exactly what I feared.
I'm afraid this will take longer than we both let on.... especially me.
He crawled into bed Tuesday morning after he had already been up for a while, I was just waking up, but nothing happened. Sometimes we have nice morning sex like that. But it just wasn't happening. I think he wanted to, but I honestly did have a lot of things to get done, but it was also a bit of an excuse I don't know what it's going to take for me to get back to normal.
In all honesty too... I was expecting flowers or chocolates or something. He went out that morning to pick some stuff up, he even went into the market and I'm pretty sure there's a flower stand there, but I guess he didn't think of it.
One other random observation I had during all of this... my cry in the shower on Sunday eve was strange. Now generally when you have a good cry you feel a bit better. I don't know if it was because I was just so numb or because of the shower itself. But the fact that you can't feel the tears run down your face makes it seem like you aren't actually crying. I think that the actual tears on your skin must do something... if they're washed away... it's just not the same effect.
Thanks for all the kind words of comprehension in the comments yesterday, I do appreciate them and learn from everything.