Traumatised.

**Written Saturday evening**

I probably shouldn't be writing right now. I'm in a strange mood. I don't think I've ever really been in a mood like this. I'm feeling kinda numb.

The events went like this.
Last week was a long and draining week for me. This coming week I have nothing really going on, very little work.
Sometime around Thursday bf started getting on my back about the usual things like putting my stuff away and cleaning up a bit. Nothing serious, nothing I took much note of. Friday was the same. Saturday morning it must have got to him because he shot me with about 20 things that I should have done prior to that moment. One after the other like a firing squad.
My previous plans were actually to spend Saturday relaxing with bf at home or doing something together, then in the evening while he was working I'd tidy up, clean and possibly surprise him with me in bed wearing something sexy.
I didn't say anything to him before Saturday morning due to the fact that it was supposed to be a surprise and I wasn't sure I'd end up doing it either. I didn't want to get myself into a tight spot that I'd feel obliged to carry through with stuff.
Except that Saturday morning when he drilled me with all the stuff that I do, he didn't know what I had planned.
I flipped. My reaction was pretty intense. I threw a phonebook (that I hadn't put away) past him onto the floor. I was so angry at him for the way he had flooded me with 20 things at me all at once and not only that, he was just fucking up my plans.
Turns out in the middle of our argument bf gets a call and has to go out. He comes back with a friend of ours for lunch and I'm having a hard time keeping myself from crying.
The day manages to go on and Sunday morning comes and we've basically made up. So Sunday afternoon rolls round and bf goes to work and I figure why not do what I was going to do Saturday... So I run around the house cleaning and tidying like a madwoman. I get dressed in one of his dress shirts (that I gave him), a tie and a pair of lace culottes, nothing else. I prepared a camera and a miniature bottle of Nutella and wrote a note that said "choose" and placed it on the floor in front of the door with a candle so that he'd see it when he walked in.
I lit a few candles in the bedroom and waited for him to get home.

**brief interval for some explanations: I'm not sure if anyone here reads my blog on a regular basis so I'll remind or tell you that I had already done something similar a few months ago. The evening didn't go very well and so I thought it would be nice to try again.**

So bf gets home about 15 minutes later than usual. He must have worked more than usual. (keep in mind people that he works a total of 3 hours, so if he works more than usual it's somewhere around 3.5 hours at the very most. He gets in, drops his duffle bag and says something that could be translated as "not again" or "again...??" (with a negative ring to it)

He ignores the note, camera and Nutella, walks into the bedroom with his coat still on, looks at me and laughs. I play along and smile. He then says "how long have you been sitting there?"
I answer truthfully about 15 minutes.
Then he leaves takes his coat off, "notices" the note... possibly reads it this time. Comes back into the room, and after laughing at me some more he says "is that my shirt?" (again not very nicely) When I say yes, he says "take it off please". And believe me it wasn't the sexy... I wanna get you naked type of sentence. I remove the tie, unbutton the shirt and in the meantime he continues to talk. He says, "do you know how much you're spending on candles here???" I look at his face in search of an answer, trying to figure out if he's kidding me or what. He is smiling but it's not a friendly smile. I hand him his shirt, he thanks me and says now you're naked. But I'm already fumbling for my hoodie. He then says, "do you think you look cute like that? you looked better in the shirt." holding the shirt up to look at it and then diligently places it back in his side of the wardrobe. I'm sitting cross legged on the bed, bury my head in my pillow for a moment in despair, I sit back up and he says, "now what, are you offended??" I don't answer him. He says "you were just waiting for that weren't you" (as if to say that I was waiting for a good reason to argue) I put a pair of sweatpants on and I walk out of the room. He calls after me asking what I expected he "just got off work", and I said that I was hoping for a slightly different reaction. And his answer was "oh well".

WHAT THE FUCK??? I don't get it. I am totally boggled. I'm totally confused. What did I do wrong? And here I am thinking to myself... this can't be right... any other guy would jump at an opportunity like that... right?

So I'm not sleeping in our bedroom tonight. I was tempted to leave, tempted to go to a hotel. But it was late so I've opted for the guest room. I had a good cry in the shower, but now I'm just angry... not even angry... resigned almost. I don't know what to do.

Fact is he NEVER appreciates anything. Fact is it's like the Christmas gift problem. He might as well take a birthday cake that I make or buy and throw it in the garbage without even tasting it. Fact is I'm a relatively shy person when it comes to this kind of thing, it's out of character for this relationship (with another relationship I'd be dressing up all the time, I love it). It's not only out of character it's a bit embarrassing and it kinda exposes me a bit, I'm worried of his judgement. And his reaction was certainly one that has traumatised me into never wanting to do it again... never ever ever.

** congratulations to anyone who got to the end of this... there will be a followup post to explain that I worked things out with bf and how that went down.**