HNT in the sun.

Out in the sun today catching some rays. 

Who Wants Who More?

Relationships are strange. In a relationship there always seems to be one person who is "more" attracted than the other. There is never a perfect balance of the emotions felt on one side and on the other.

This scares me. It scares me sometimes because, on one hand, I think that I'm putting too much energy and effort into something that I'm not sure will be mirrored. And on the other hand (since I consider myself with basically two relationships at the moment) I am on the receiving end like with bf giving me more attention than I give him often.

In a long term relationship I think that the roles can swap and switch depending on the moment, external factors and emotional state of the person involved. There are times when bf and I are equally "in love" and other times when I dote on him more than he on me, and vice versa (which is often the case) when he dotes on me more. 

It's the same with Rob. There seems to be an ebb and flow of feelings and needs that underlie the "relationship" (for lack of a better name... thinking about it Cyberlationship might work, and hey it's in the urban dictionary!) on both sides. There are times when I'm more in touch with him and text him more than he is (the most common scenario) and other times when he is more in touch with me (rare, but happens on occasion like when he signed up as a follower on my blog). 

I should know by now that this happens. But it still scares me a bit when I go that small step without return or acknowledgement.  

Hot Boys and Girls.

I had a lesson with a student of mine. I've mentioned him before. I've had a dream about him even, and he is young. He just turned 19. I've been tutoring him since he was 10... yeah 9 years... man that makes me feel old. He isn't someone I see constantly now. I only see him during high stress periods at school when he needs some exam prep. But his presence drives me crazy. It must be his "fuck-all" attitude, and his nonchalantness that gets to me. While trying to concentrate on his exam topic my mind kept wandering to what would happen if I kissed him.... ok, don't get me wrong, I'm not a pedophile, I'd never do it. But I was honestly wondering how he'd react. Would he push me off, latch on and kiss harder, feel me up, or just back off and laugh it off?

Anyhow I had a dumb grin on my face at one point, while looking at him. It was that proud parent grin, thinking how amazing it is to see him get so much older and cooler. I wanted to grab his cheek type of feeling... I didn't... I'm not that kind of person.

I teach a friend of his too, and he's the exact opposite, he's all gung-ho about everything. He'd probably jump on me given the chance. He's the one that asked me a while back if I'd go to Australia with him.
I'm helping him to get his visa and organise his studies in Australia for next year. He's all touchy feely too. While the other is very reserved.

________________________________________________

So I walked past what I'd quite confidently call an Emo shop this afternoon. There's only one in town. Owned by a dreadlocked black guy and a bunch of emo kids work there. There was a girl this afternoon wearing black sheer nylons, and a black tube dress that didn't really even cover her crotch. She was young, must have been around 17 or so, maybe younger, it's hard to tell. She was wearing a lot of makeup.
I was kinda horrified and envious at the same time. I sometimes wish I had the courage to do that. But at the same time I thought... wow that's totally inappropriate.

Anyhow, props to her for being so courageous.

Last night

Him: So are you gonna take your clothes off or what?

Her: Nope

Him: Right then, I'll just go to bed

Her: *lifting her shirt to reveal her bra* I'm not getting undressed, I'm leaving everything on.

Him: Oh you are, are you?

Her: *slipping her hand inside her bra to tease her nipples* Oh yes, I'm not getting naked for you.

Him: Slip your hand down your pants then.

Her: *slipping one hand down her panties while the other is still twisting her nipple* I'm not doing that either, you just want to make me cum.

Him: You're not going to cum?

Her: oh no... I'm not.

Him: So you're not going to rub that clit then?

Her: *rubbing her clit*  No I'm definitely not.

Him: Are you wet?

Her: *slipping her finger inside just a little* No, not at all, why would you think that??

Him: I think you are...

Her: hmmm maybe.

Him: You're just a little slut

Her: *taking her bra and shirt off.* No, I'm a good little girl. 

Him: No, you're a dirty little slut.

Her: *rubbing clit faster, leaning closer to the cam and whispering* No, I'm clean, very very clean.

Him: Take off your jeans.

Her: *taking off her jeans, leaving just her panties* Hmm I can't do that.

Him: What do you want to hear?

Her: Tell me what you'll do to me.

Him: You mean how I'd lick you all the way up your spine to your neck?

Her: hmm yeah.

Him: I'd lick and kiss your neck, and bite, I'd run my tongue down your shoulders and suck your nipples. Then I'd lick your clit, and slip my fingers inside you, work your g-spot.

Her: *slipping her fingers deeper inside*

Him: Show me your pussy, face the camera.

Her: *slipping her panties off* Are you gonna fuck me?

Him: Oh yeah, I'm gonna slide my cock deep inside you. I'm going to grab your hair, spank and slap you, hands around your neck, while I fuck you hard.

Her: *working faster, breathing harder, leaning back... she cums*


Him: Right, time for bed?

Her: hmmm nope not yet.......

Spring is here, and London is upon us.

Spring is finally here. The weather has been spectacular, to the point that I got a bit of sun, my face is already a little darker than the usual winter pallor.

It's been warm and sunny for the past week, until today that is, it rained this evening.

London + Rob
I've finally booked my hostel room for London. I leave on the 14th of May. I booked the same hostel as last time. It was pretty decent. It's far from a 5 star hotel, but the beds are relatively comfortable and clean. The bathroom was functional. And they had wifi... important.

I'll probably be checking the availability at another hostel a week before I go (the first one I went to), just because it's cheaper and has better food. Even if the bathrooms are god awful. It was in a nicer area, better restaurants and nightlife.

I haven't heard from Rob much recently, I'm hoping to catch up with him this week. I've been itching to tell him that I booked my hostel. I just figured it would be best to leave it for now though. I sometimes get to thinking that it scares him off, so I avoid telling him about bookings and flights and stuff, especially in text messages. He proved me wrong last time though. When I booked my flight he didn't bat an eye when I told him.

I really just wanted to pretend like he isn't part of my plan for going over there, but technically we're supposed to meet up in another town... not sure how I'll swing it. I have tentative plans to stay with a friend towards the end of my stay, so going to another town for a night would possibly mean having to organize it. Or maybe not... humph oh well.. I'll just play it all by ear. I'm sure things will clarify one way or another before I leave.

I still feel like I've managed to keep my emotional distance from this meeting compared to the other times. But I could just be kidding myself.... Especially when I look back on what I've just written and see that it's half a page long.

Co-Worker

Co-worker gets back this week, Wednesday to be exact. We don't have clients at the studio this week so I won't be going in until later in the week, I have to do some work with my boss, get some stuff finished and she won't be around until later in the week. That means that I'll get to see co-worker. I wonder what kind of hello I'll get. I'm looking forward to it. 

Bad Timing

This week is going to be more hellish than I was hoping... my other colleague just broke her thumb... we work with our hands... therefore she can't work. We're more short handed than ever with a huge group.

Bf woke me up this morning with a massage and well yes good sex. I didn't cum... as per usual when it's been a while since the last time. But it was good. If I wasn't going to be late for work I think we'd have gone longer and perhaps I'd have cum.  He talked more than he usually does. He actually asked me "what can I do to make you cum" and I honestly didn't know what to say. He caught me off guard... I just moaned and said, "not sure"... I should have been more vocal... But I honestly didn't know what would make me cum at that moment. He slipped a finger in my ass, his thumb in my mouth and his mouth on my nipple. I came close, but it had just been too long since the last time.

I was wet all day because of it... and to boot there's a client this week at work, a cute German guy, it's gonna be tough not to flirt with him. hmm

Escape.

I want him, his body, his hands, his cock, his mind, his strength, his control... I want it all to just take over and make me forget where and who I am and everything around me. I want to drown in the sensations, dive into the depths of the overwhelming power of the situation. I want to be totally and utterly lost.... just for a while. How strong can the need to escape be? There are times when movies, books and other simple things will suffice in my distraction, other times when I feel like he's the only one capable of really helping, of really making me forget where and who I am.

I try imagining him, his weight, his speed, his warmth. How he'd fill me, how he'd force himself inside me, how he'd push and grab and twist me. Pull and spank and prod me. I'd be butter in his hands, do whatever he wants. Get on my knees for him, lick, suck and slide him inside me....

Imagining isn't real though,  it's never enough. I want the real thing. Sometimes its so tangible I can almost taste it. Other times it escapes me.

_____________________________________________________________

There are days when I don't want to deal with anyone but Rob. Today is one of those days. It'll be a week before I get to see him online again, when things settle down after this coming hellish week. He'll be working afternoons, which means late nights are up for grabs, and I'll be home in the mornings on occasion. So I'm looking forward to that.

Today I've even been avoiding bf, I honestly wish I could ignore the feeling and just jump on bf and have wild and crazy sex, but I can't shake it. The lust for Rob is too strong sometimes.

I think it's more of the idea of Rob that has me in these moments more than him as a person... Not meaning to knock him or anything, but I think it's simply a form of escape. It's the greener grass on the other side syndrome, or something like that...

Questions for my readers.

I got an email yesterday from a nice person at an online erotic toy shop and was asked to review a toy that they would send me free of charge. I'm contemplating it.
Here's what I thought for the blog: I could set up a separate page for the reviews and that way it wouldn't interfere with the blog itself.
The page works so that I'd have a tabs at the top of my mainpage that can be clicked and you are linked to a page that is just like the diary page, but it would be dedicated to the toy reviews.
I'm not really into advertising but I know the company is a serious one and the products are good products. It would give me the opportunity to try out toys that I've never had the liberty or possibility to try.

I only have one more problem. What to tell BF. Should I tell him that I bought it as a surprise? should I tell him that I write erotica for a site and they send me free gifts? He never gives up the possibility of free things, he'd understand that part. But I'm worried what he'd think about the "writing erotica" part.

The other minor problem is customs here... I'm worried they'd get their hands on it and I'd have to pay customs fees. lol, that would be just embarrassing.

So what I'm asking my readers is this:

-Would advertising on a separate page to the diary-blog bother you?
-Would you think less of the blog in any way or would it interest you to read the endeavours of me trying a toy out and receiving it, bf's reactions and such.
-Any ideas on how to go about it with bf?

I would appreciate any ideas or comments. Even if you've never commented let me know what you think, or send me an email that you will find in my profile. Don't be afraid to be honest. I hate advertisement normally so I understand perfectly if you might think it can harm the "feel" of the blog.

The week

So my friends in Japan have been in touch with people recently. And just today they posted on facbeook that they JUST got their power back. It was a worrisome few days, but we were all pretty confident that it was just a communication problem. It's so hard to know how to react when you don't know enough about the person's habits and movements. For all we knew they could have been working in the Tsunami area.

I've been super busy the past few days. I had a 13.5 hour day yesterday and a very hectic morning this morning. I'm beat.

Rob
To start the week though, I had a hot encounter with Rob on Monday evening, up until 2 am with him obviously didn't help me much in my 13.5 hour day on Tuesday. Buuut it was good. A few glitches in the technology... he kept hanging up on me by mistake, but it was good nonetheless. Hot... I did not cum with him this time. It was too late to really get into that. I enjoyed watching him a lot... so much so that I had to help myself when we got off... The images flowing through my mind were incredible. Situations, scenes, as if I were watching everything from every angle. It didn't take long... But it was strong enough for me to bite my tongue to keep myself from making noise.

The rest
Co-worker is still away, won't be back for another week after this one is over. It's incredible how hard things are without him around. We're totally short staffed, and I had a hard time keeping up with everything this morning. My other colleagues are feeling the strain just as much as I am, and my boss is just not being helpful... in fact she is being counterproductive as per usual.

I'm going to let this end here. I've got a lot on my plate still. I'll have a bit of time tomorrow afternoon, it's a holiday here. So yay for that. I can relax a bit, and clean up around here...

Worry

I have a friend in Japan. He lives or maybe I should say was living in the Miyagi area. His home is (or perhaps was) 20 miles from the coast. We have no news from him. Google has set up a person finder. Both him and his wife have been registered. I have some second hand information that his wife is ok. But still no word on him. I can't help but worry. He is an English teacher and I hope he wasn't working in the Tsunami area.

HNT

HNT time is here... and I've got pics of my hair for you ;-) I did promise I think... It was a sunny day out today, bf went for a walk at the beach so I had time to take some pics.

Sometimes it looks red, other times just auburn. But it's a relatively natural colour. I'm thinking of going unnatural red next, like when I was back in High school... I really like the colour Claire Danes had in  My So Called Life. Her hair was redder in some episodes than others.

Claire Danes

Claire Danes

rear-ending... and not the good kind either

I almost rear-ended someone yesterday while trying to text Rob... I guess that's the last time I'll let myself text in the car.
I stopped literally like 10cm (4in) away... I almost had a heart attack and kept thinking "pleasepleasepleasepleasestop" the ABS kicked in and I slid to my final position... damn that ABS.

It was totally my fault, I can't even blame it on the terrible Italian drivers. :-(

Enlightening or just frightening?

I had an interesting morning at the Gastroenterologist ward at the hospital this morning. I went in to just talk to the doctor to see what he/she had to say about the pain I've been having. So while bf and I were sitting waiting I notice two people walk by with grey sweatshirts on. They both have bold writing on the backs and when I got the chance I tried to make out what was written.

I kid you not. In complete and total honesty, the words "BLOOD & SHIT" were written in big bold red letters on the back of the sweatshirt. The person's name was written in the same font and size down the arm, and Endoscopy was written in smaller bold red letters on the front. In simple plain English. Ok... I don't live in an English speaking country, but still.... WHY oh WHY would you write that on a sweatshirt in ANY language? ESPECIALLY in a Gastroenterologist ward?

Turns out... it was the DOCTORS who were wearing them!! I mean WTF??

So after that delightful surprise I went into an office with one of the women with this lovely piece of clothing on her back.  She asked me questions and felt me up... ok just my belly, and told me that I needed to get that ultrasound done, and since I've been having these problems for so long possibly an endoscopy, if I just want to get it over with. But her view is that I have IBS. I've been diagnosed with this before, I kinda forgot about that dx that was in 2004. So I guess I'll just have to live with crazy abdominal pain ever so often.

But I think I will get the other tests done, just to rule out if it might be anything else.
I might talk to a homeopath to see if any diet changes might help... not that I'll be able to follow one. Being Fibromyalgic apparently warrants IBS problems and cravings for foods that inevitably cause IBS problems, like chocolate and carbohydrates.

And I was thinking of doing some acupuncture to see if that might help.

I re-read (after many many years) the symptoms list for Fibro and have realized how many of the symptoms I have and I kinda had that little light-bulb go off over my head for many things I couldn't explain.
In no particular order:
-allergies
-post nasal drip
-ringing ears
-fatigue
-menstrual problems
-PMS
-abdominal cramps
-pelvic pain
-IBS
-short term memory loss
-sensitivity to odours
-sensitivity to light
-sensitivity to sounds
-panic attacks (rare)
-depression (occasional)
-anxiety (waaayyy too often)
-mood swings
-easily bruised
-pronounced nail ridges
-headaches
-muscle stiffness
-muscle pain
-earaches
-sinusitis
-and (many a time) low grade fever (not mentioned on sites, but commonly known between fibromyalgia patients and forums)

Those are my symptoms... and there are more that I don't have. How is it humanly possible to handle all of that including the various different symptoms for the individual things like sinusitis, IBS, PMS and so on...

No wonder I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy with all this shit happening, especially the mood swings and PMS and anxiety.

I admit that I've tried to ignore the Fibro for years, maybe it's time I face the music and figure out how to live with it better.

Art shows, Orgasms, and Hot dreams.

Yesterday (Saturday) was mostly good. I got invited to a guided art show here with a friend of mine. It's actually a friend of Bf's, but that's not important. The guy is clinically blind, and belongs to an association which does "outings" with the members to art shows for free and stuff. It was good. I like him too, he's actually a pretty good looking guy, and he's super intelligent. He's getting a degree in political studies.

I wasn't feeling 100% at the show, but I managed to get through all of it. It was pretty long. My back and stomach muscles were sore. But it was cool.

Once I got home bf was already off to work, so I settled in, ate myself some dinner and then promptly got myself off on two videos, It had been sooo long since I'd had one that it didn't take long at all. One was of a guy doing a chick from behind, she was oiled up, it was just slow and deep penetration. The other must not have been very memorable because I don't remember what it was.

Bf got home, sat at the computer and watched his soccer game while I watched sitcoms on TV. He kept coming over and hugging me, kissing my forehead and caressing me. He knows I'm angry at him for the cigarette thing. He also knows I'm trying to ignore it. And I think the hugs and stuff are his way of saying I'm sorry... or I feel guilty or something.

Once bf went to bed I had another O with another video. I've switched porn sites too. I was using RedTube before, now I'm on to Youporn. I like the videos of college parties, where girls get fucked in front of a crowd. Not sure why I like them. Perhaps because they seem relatively genuine. So I got off on a college party. It was a 16 minute video and I got off in the first 5. They hadn't even gotten to the fucking yet. It was just him, fingering her, and then going down on her. It looked sooo good.... mmmm

So I guess due to all that (three orgasms in one afternoon/eve) I had this dream. It was with Co-worker. This is the first sexual dream of him that I remember. I was working, trying to decorate something for christmas I think. And he came up to me and hugged me from behind. It wasn't just an ordinary hug though, he wrapped his arms around my belly and pressed his hard cock into my tailbone. I kept trying to work. But he kept 'distracting' me. He wouldn't let go of me... not that I wanted him to, I kept smiling and telling him we couldn't. He kept kissing my neck, and groping me from behind. And then he pushed me towards a wall with a high work bench, my arms went down, bent over for him, and he was lifting my skirt... when bf came into the bedroom and woke me up. ARRRGGG totally not fair.

Down and out

This evening... I feel really lonely. I don't have any real reason to. I've got so many cool friends in my real life, and in my online life that I really should feel grateful.

I appreciated the various emails and comments on the last post. I went to see the doctor today but the health care system here is a bit slow. So I'll be getting an ultrasound done next Friday, and I've got an appointment to see a gastrointerologist next week too. I need to book an appointment to get an endoscopy done, a gyno appointment and another ultrasound on the ovaries but those will be harder, the earliest appointments are available sometime between April and May.

I'm feeling a bit down and out, not just because of the health stuff. I was in pretty good spirits up to this afternoon when I got home from the doctor's appointment. I found more ash on the stove top along with a glass with a few millimetres of water in the bottom with more ash in it. So bf smoked again. I asked him what the glass with ash in it was, and he got all flustered and said there was ash on the counter top and that he had wiped it into the glass. He changed where it was twice and a half hour later he got up and told me the story again, changing the information yet again. He kept sustaining that it was incense ash. I haven't burned incense in over a month. He knows I didn't believe him. I kept thinking "choose my battles, choose them" and I let the whole thing drop.

Over dinner he told me that he thought my health problems were not, as I had often sustained, due to work stress, but due to problems between us. That I tend to build up anger and unsaid problems towards him.
Strange thing is that I don't really have any pent up anger with him at the moment... or I didn't until the smoking incident today.

Co-worker is going away for three weeks. He leaves Monday. That also makes me feel lonely. And I haven't really heard from Rob lately. We caught up on line a few days ago, but it was a really short. I told him that I was down with the flu, which is what I thought it was. But I haven't heard from him since. He hasn't texted even to say hi or see how I am. I'm sure he's busy but nonetheless it hasn't helped my mood either.

Another reason for my mood is food. I'm such a huge food person, especially chocolate and bread. And I can't eat either of those. I made brownies for a dinner Thursday and practically they're all just sitting there waiting to be eaten. I'm thinking I should just forget the "diet" and pig out on brownies so that I end up in hospital and get the tests and ultrasounds done basically for free....

Into the fighting ring.

Years ago I was home sick for about 6 months to a year. I couldn't walk, I was bed ridden basically, every time I ate I would get dead tired and wouldn't be able to get up from the table. I had to be carried back to bed at times. I often had lacerating stomach pain or back pain to the point that I couldn't walk. The problems never seemed to end and no one could find a reason. I was taken to hospital prodded and poked, and they gave me all sorts of different things to try including cortisone. I was told I had an A-typical pneumonia. Then I went to see a rheumatologist and he finally diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia.

When I kept having stomach pain I had an ultrasound and they found kidney stones and so my questions were apparently answered.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine here was also diagnosed with Fibro and she mentioned that intestinal problems and inflammation of the intestines is one of the fibro symptoms. This means that it might not just be a kidney stone thing.

Maybe it's a combination of things but whatever it is... it's back. I was up all night Sunday wanting to call the emergency service here with crazy tummy pain, up again last night. I think I'm going to have to get back on track with trying to figure things out. I called my doctor, she thinks it's my appendix since it's only on my right side, and is also a pain that that tends to reduce a bit when I'm standing or sitting, hence the idea it might be the appendix.

Anyhooooos I'm on a liquid diet which means I'll loose weight that I can't really afford to loose. And it means I'll be hungry and on edge, not just for food either... there certainly isn't a lot of play going on either.

awoken

Sent to Rob last week

As I sleep in the early morning, I am unconscious to the world. You slide your hand down my naked back, under the cotton sheets and over the gentle curve of my ass. I stir slightly, but you ignore it. The warmth of my body contrasting with your cool hand, makes goosebumps rise on the surface of my skin and I shiver slightly in the cool air of the morning.
Your hand slides easily over my thighs, up between them and dips in between the lips of my pussy.
You watch me carefully as your hand wanders, my body responds automatically to your touch, legs spread ever so slightly, breathing gets faster and shorter.
You can feel my wet pussy throbbing for you, but your hand moves away to tease me. Your eyes are following the movement of your hand under the sheets when you hear me whisper "mmmm fuck me".
My eyes are closed when you look back at me. You can't tell if I'm asleep or not. But you whisper quietly in my ear "not until you beg for it".
I moan in self pity and say "please, please fuck me" half awake.

"you're gonna have to do better than that" you answer teasing with a smile on your face. Your expert finger now circling my clit. "Tell me how much you want it"

"Ohh I want it bad, I want you so much. I want you to fuck me hard" My voice is louder, more awake, my eyes are looking up at you pleading you. My hips grinding now, pushing against your fingers, my back arching to meet your hand.

Your hand moves to dip inside me again, and again, making me gasp each time and then away, up to my mouth as you touch my lips to make me taste myself. "Tell me how much you want my cock".

At that request I roll onto my side, my mouth opens to speak and you slip three fingers in as deep as they'll go while the other hand grabs my pussy and you slide another three fingers in there too. "Tell me how to use you, tell me what to do with a dirty little slut like you". And with that you pull your hands away.

Sleeping together

Gliding into a cool bed on a cold evening, sliding my feet between his thighs to keep warm. My hand easing into his, to absorb the warmth. It is the same ritual almost every night. We have been doing it for years. We face each other, I'm scrunched up into a foetal position to keep warm, he is in the typical spooning position, and when we start falling asleep we shift, once. I stretch out onto my tummy, and he stretches out onto his side facing away from me. His feet come looking for mine and we sleep undisturbed with our ankles and calves interlocked until we dream. From there the memories fade, but we keep close contact for most of the night until early morning. I need my space in the morning and he doesn't usually disturb me. He respects my mornings.