Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Before I start

I don't actually really know what to say or how to start this. I've tried sitting down more than once to get this post written and each and every time I get to a point where I just can't write.

It's not just one reason either. There are many. My hand starts to shake (I've been trying to write in a notebook), my mind wanders and I can't concentrate, I start crying, or I get horny. No matter what, I think I just need time to work things through before putting black onto white.

The meeting with Rob was incredible. It was more than I could have possibly imagined or dreamed. It was better than perfect. It was easy, we were totally at ease with each other. There was nothing awkward about anything except perhaps the goodbye at the train station.

There was a lot of sex and it was perfect sex. He was perfect. I don't know how else to describe it. I feel as though I've been in a dream or a daze, that it never actually happened. He hit spots that I honestly had no idea existed. He played my body like I was his favourite instrument. He knows me well, knows what I like. At the same time I felt like I had so much to discover about him. Secrets to unlock.

I think that we were both afraid of getting too close. We acted like good friends when we weren't having sex. We didn't really do the hand holding thing. Sleeping, we slept in the same bed but we didn't touch much until early morning. Neither of us slept much. I think we fell asleep at around midnight and woke up around 4:30am. We spooned in the early hours. That's also when I got a nosebleed, which I never get. I think that was caused by all my hyperventilating... I tend to breath a lot when having sex.

After I got back into London, after we went our separate ways, he texted me saying that he was looking forward to reading the blog, he also told me not to hold back on detail.

I will at some point post more detail than today, or I hope to. But everything is a blur at the moment. The order of things got completely lost in my mind. It's probably a good thing, it means that I was lost in the moment. But it's frustrating at the same time because I wish I could remember it clearly to burn it onto my brain.

There are things that stand out in my memory, things that I'll never forget. Sensations, sights and feelings that were so intense that I may have a hard time putting them into words.
The memories come back to me in vivid flashes, they're so strong they distract me from everything around me, sometimes bringing me close to tears, others close to orgasm, and again others a huge smile on my face.

I had two orgasms today, just because I'm in a hostel and it would be difficult to have more than that with all the people around. But it's just to say how worked up I still am. 

I even tried writing a moment by moment recount of the events, after 4 hand written pages I gave up. It was too blurry, some things are so absolutely crystal clear, and others aren't. It was more damaging that good I think.

I'm going to leave this here now. But I will be trying to figure how to put things into words. I want to post more, but I can't figure out how to do it rationally and well. And this will be for me. Written specifically as a diary entry, not written to please my trusty readers. This meeting was the whole point of this blog in the first place. But I don't want a rambling piece of writing either. So I need to weigh it out a bit and figure out the best way to do it.


Michael said...

OMG ... fantastic and congratulations! I'm so happy for you. By what you've written so far though, I think you can positively confirm that the mind is the greatest sex organ.


Green Eyed Frenchy said...

Fantastic! I'm so glad you had a good time, so many memories... Still on cloud nine!

Johanna said...

Wow... I'm so happy for you, so glad it worked out, and more than that...! It sounds absolutely amazing!! Coming back/down from intense experiences is so hard... take your time, revel in it, don't rush. And you're so right in writing for yourself. Thanks for sharing though, I loved reading this and I'll look forward to more.

Eden said...

I second Michael's comment.

Look forward to reading the rest.

That Girl said...

i could feel your excitement as i read this and i remember this feeling very well.

it's exciting.

it's everything.

i recommend that you definately get the little pieces, little by little out of your mind and onto paper on on here.

it's amazing to be able to go back to it months, maybe years down the road an recount everything.

ebony panther said...

Nicely done.

DOG3OY said...

really cool babe, try the self interview, it worked for me to grasp a bigger picture...

A Good Mom said...

"The memories come back to me in vivid flashes, they're so strong they distract me from everything around me, sometimes bringing me close to tears, others close to orgasm, and again others a huge smile on my face."

Wow- I can really relate to that. amazing how long it can take to process things, right? Enjoy the journey <3