Monday, May 23, 2011


I'm back. The trip back was an exhausting journey both mentally and physically. I was supposed to get a ride from the airport but bf couldn't pick me up so I ended up taking the train. But there was a train strike yesterday and it was total chaos.

I got home and bf was working, I was glad because I received a lovely email from Rob saying that he had tried to call me that morning, but that I was already flying or in Italy, that he had realized that we were thousands of miles apart now and he thanked me again for one of the most incredible moments of his life.
I burst into tears reading it, luckily my best friend from home was on line and being the only one who knows about all of this, I told her my feelings. She said that feelings come in waves, let them wash over you and they will go just as they come. she suggested I concentrate on all the good feelings the meeting brought and try not to concentrate on how much I miss him.  All very wise suggestions I will try to follow.

I've written a few things over the past few days and I'll be posting them. I just haven't had time to get them into the computer. They're all hand written so far. Hopefully this evening.

What I find slightly frustrating about my return home is bf's total indifference to so many things. I kissed him when he came home, but he commented on it, asking why I had.
I wanted to show him the things I had bought, an antique and even the pictures from my trip, but he sat there watching the soccer games and was only half listening to me. He was so indifferent to my enthusiasm about the concert. I hate indifference.

I even said something like "you don't really care about this stuff do you?" He just said, "you decide". With an indifferent tone, it wasn't said in a mean way... it was just total and complete indifference.


Anonymous said...

Hmmm, I guess you guys are in a relationship for too long. It happened to me as well. But I know deep down in him, he still love you. =)

Johanna said...

I loved reading the last post, so full of life and overwhelming feelings... and pain, from realizing experiences turn into memories way too quickly. I envied you then, but I don't envy you now... I hate coming home, to a life that hasn't changed at all, and to people who don't understand how and why you have, and who are not particularly interested anyway. And not even being able to talk about it... I can only begin to imagine the frustration.

But it happened, and it's amazing that it did. I wish I could tell you to just revel in the moment of just having been through what you've been through... but even I can't help thinking ahead, wondering if there will be a next time, and whether things will improve with bf or not. (But on the other hand, maybe it would have been worse if he'd really wanted to let you know how much he'd missed you, wanting to know everything about the trip and taken time off work to meet you and make up for lost time together...)

Advizor54 said...

To feign indifference as a mechanism to control or coerce is a horrible tactic. Real indifference is worse, it shows a lack of empathy or even the desire to share a special moment with someone we are supposed to love. Even if he doesn't like the music, he should share, or at least appreciate, the enthusiasm you feel.

I have had the same conversation at home too many times to relate them here, so I have stopped talking about my books, my music, my writing aspirations, none of it gets validated, so none of it gets revealed. It kills me.

You should be able to be happy, excited, and go on and on about your trip and he should be right there with you.

I'm glad you are back home even if the homecoming wasn't as it should have been.

John said...

Am totally with Advizor54 on what he said, personally I think it is awful that he greeted you that way yet still expects to keep a relationship going

Anonymous said...

That happiness from last weekend was what a good relationship should be like all the time (or at least most of it). I'd hope that coming home to you situation after being happy for a weekend would tell you to get out of your current situation b/c you're missing days/weeks/years where you could be in a relationship where everyday is like your amazing weekend with Rob.

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

Having been in this situation for years, I would say too that you need to think about your relationship with bf and maybe ask yourself if you can handle it for the years to come?

Michael said...

Cande ... your friend from home has hit the right note. And while we all probably cringe at bf's reaction, we probably don't know the whole story. How often did you call him from Britain, for example? How was it with him when you left?

This is just one more piece of evidence to add to the "your future" puzzle. Talk with him and evaluate. But I suspect decision-time is near.