I've been a little down. There's a whole series of reasons. I've been put into a funk especially because I've talked to two friends recently, the ones I mentioned in my relationship post, who both said that I should really get my act together and get cracking on what I want.
I feel like I haven't moved as far as I wanted to in these past months since the attempted break up with the bf. I had promised myself that I would find a solution and I haven't. So I'm angry at myself I guess.
Another reason for being down is that I haven't really heard from Rob in quite a while. I did catch him briefly last friday... not yesterday but the week before. He's busy. I know he's busy. I keep telling myself that's what it is. He even emailed me saying that he might be online Thursday night. I sent him an email asking him to text me if he couldn't get on. So I waited, and waited, and waited some more. He never showed, and there was no email or text saying he wouldn't make it.
I tried to distract myself with other things, I tried not to think about it, I just ignored it.
The morning after, Friday I got a text from the bf (who was away for 4 days) saying he'd be back in the afternoon. The mixture of hearing that bf was on his way back and not having seen Rob online or even hearing from him made me so sad that I cried. Rob's absence affects my mood much more than I'd like it to. I'm forcing myself not to check my email as often.
And I think I'll force myself not to email him. I feel like I'm weighing and nagging somehow. Even though logically my brain tells me I'm not. So I'm torn between sending him the song (which I haven't sent him yet, sending him hot naked or partially naked pictures of myself, which I haven't done in ages or not sending anything (which is sort of the one that I'm leaning towards). I feel like I need to detox.
After the tears yesterday I decided to write a stream of consciousness letter to myself. I wrote it and then stuffed it into my diary and haven't read it since. I have no memory really of what's there. I should probably read it, but I know that it's going to be harsh. I think a lot of it is about how little I've done and what I really want. But seeing it written, black on white, will probably be pretty hard to handle.
A friend suggested I write goals down. It makes them harder to ignore. I think I should heed that advice.