Saturday, June 9, 2012

I think therefore I am?

I've been a little down. There's a whole series of reasons. I've been put into a funk especially because I've talked to two friends recently, the ones I mentioned in my relationship post, who both said that I should really get my act together and get cracking on what I want.
I feel like I haven't moved as far as I wanted to in these past months since the attempted break up with the bf. I had promised myself that I would find a solution and I haven't. So I'm angry at myself I guess.

Another reason for being down is that I haven't really heard from Rob in quite a while. I did catch him briefly last friday... not yesterday but the week before. He's busy. I know he's busy. I keep telling myself that's what it is. He even emailed me saying that he might be online Thursday night. I sent him an email asking him to text me if he couldn't get on. So I waited, and waited, and waited some more. He never showed, and there was no email or text saying he wouldn't make it.
I tried to distract myself with other things, I tried not to think about it, I just ignored it.

The morning after, Friday I got a text from the bf (who was away for 4 days) saying he'd be back in the afternoon. The mixture of hearing that bf was on his way back and not having seen Rob online or even hearing from him made me so sad that I cried. Rob's absence affects my mood much more than I'd like it to. I'm forcing myself not to check my email as often.
And I think I'll force myself not to email him. I feel like I'm weighing and nagging somehow. Even though logically my brain tells me I'm not. So I'm torn between sending him the song (which I haven't sent him yet, sending him hot naked or partially naked pictures of myself, which I haven't done in ages or not sending anything (which is sort of the one that I'm leaning towards). I feel like I need to detox.

After the tears yesterday I decided to write a stream of consciousness letter to myself. I wrote it and then stuffed it into my diary and haven't read it since. I have no memory really of what's there. I should probably read it, but I know that it's going to be harsh. I think a lot of it is about how little I've done and what I really want. But seeing it written, black on white, will probably be pretty hard to handle.

A friend suggested I write goals down. It makes them harder to ignore. I think I should heed that advice.


ebony panther said...

First off, about the comment you left me on my blog, it's you who I should be thanking. Your blog is so open & you really bleed every emotion on it, while I tend to hide mine. I wish I had your guts in leaving myself open like you do. I have to reread your post about intimacy. I learned a lot from it & need to adapt what you said into my own life, so thank you for writing it.
As far as this post goes, everybody goes at their own pace. Only you know if you're just not ready to "get on with your life" or if you're just being lazy about it. Sometimes, we get into a comfort zone & honestly don't want to get out of it, due to fear, lack of money, etc. Do what you feel is right.
The same goes with Rob. I say that you send him photos, just to remind him of what he's missing & that you're thinking about him. It's not nagging at all. Guys like those reminders just as much as women do, especially when they're accompanied by a sexy photo.

Michael said...

I agree with Panther ... send the hot pics. There should be a reaction, which will certainly help your mood.


Ethan Lambert said...

Sorry to hear about the down spell. I've been struggling with a similar lack in self satisfaction, although in my case the frustration of the online singles world is certainly not helping :-)

As far as goals, I wonder if the whole Rob/BF/CoW thing is sapping too much energy for you to focus on your personal goals? I just mean that I imagine finding private time to speak with Rob, as well as the time it must take to draft him e-mails is consuming both time and emotional energy. On top of that you have your domestic dance with BF. And further you have your complicated relationship with CoW at work that must be distracting.

You used the term 'Detox' and I don't wonder if that's not exactly what you need. Time away from the emotional noise that comes from often having these three men on your mind, so you can really focus on HOW you're going to accomplish your goals.

On a totally separate note, I vote for you sending both the pics AND the song. You've both known each other so long, and shared so much, that you shouldn't have to feel the need to hide what you're feeling. You have enough on your plate with everything - communication with Rob is supposed to be your support, not something you stress about. If for any reason he ISN'T completely flattered you're thinking about him, perhaps he's not worth the emotional toll he takes.

But I doubt that's the case. I've seen your HNT's ;-)

Cande said...

Ebony: wow, um I am speechless, you flatter me to no end.
Yeah perhaps I do need to take things at my own pace.

Ethan: I think you may have a point, it is a bit draining. Detox is exactly what I need, although I don't want to give my time up with him... I just don't want to crave it as drastically... it shouldn't be hard to get under control though.