Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What Men are Missing about Intimacy.

I have been talking, or rather emailing some guy who has a very strange blog and hobby. He randomly picks people to have "conversations" with and then publishes the conversations on his blog. He's passing it off as a script that he wrote. I figured it would be entertaining and so I accepted when he asked if I'd participate.

He's a nut... I think... or maybe he's just pretending to be a nut. In any case the topic of intimacy came up.  He didn't have any real concept of intimacy beyond sex. My good friend Advizor and I had a good long conversation about it and it seems that most men just don't think of intimacy in any other way other than sex.

The strange thing is that a very important boyfriend of mine (before the current BF) was actually super intimate all the time, but he was also a nut. He considered himself a Shaman of sorts. But he did introduce me to the most intimate relationship I could have ever possibly imagined. I've never experienced anything like it since either. One of the first things he said to me was that I had to open up to him if I wanted to have a relationship with him. So I did. I opened myself up so far that he wrapped his little tendrils around everything inside of me and I mean that in the most metaphysical sense possible. He then cheated on me after he asked me to marry him, and I was devastated. But that is a little off topic.

Men don't understand that women (or maybe it's just me?) want, need and crave intimacy with them. That doesn't necessarily mean sex, although it might be part of it. Intimacy, in my view, is something that goes way beyond sex. It has more to do with an emotional connection. Advizor brought up honesty. Honesty is definitely a part of intimacy and being 100% open with someone promotes intimacy, but being 100% open is not necessarily an intimate act.

The way that I experienced intimacy with the "Shaman" was actually through a very deep sharing of.... hm this might sound weird... but the only way I can describe it is energy. An example could be spending time naked in bed without having sex, without anything sexual going on. Just a close study of each other, looking into each other on a spiritual level. Understanding with and without words who that person is, what their soul is like, what their heart and energy is like. It's something that happens naturally during sex on occasion and I think that's where men get confused. The same or similar events could also happen outside in a park or on a train ride or any other random place (minus the nudity of course). It could just simply consist in a sense of complicity between the two. It's just a matter of connection between the two people. That's it.... the connection.

I figure that if men could understand that not-so-simple principle. They'd have it pretty much made.


Dina said...

I think they get it, but just don't care. Maybe I'm jaded. Unless you're dealing with a total narcissictic guy, and then they lack the empathy to know how to truly connect and have real intimacy.

(sidenote:long time lurker, delurking to say hi :)

Cande said...

Hey Dina! Cool. Nice to see a lurker come to light :D
I'm not sure, maybe you're right maybe they don't care... the guy's I've spoken to have definitely been more oblivious than anything. But It all depends on who you're dealing with I think.

I think the first nutjob guy (the one I'm writing to now) is just super narcissistic though.... I think you're on to something!

Anonymous said...

I think I understand what you mean. I do love and desire that type of intimacy. I see others that have it and I am envious.

I know I have a lot to learn on this front but I lack a partner who I wish to have it with.

Cande said...

Hey Kenny, Good to see you back here.
I know exactly what you mean.
I think that's what I crave most.... I miss it dearly....

Anonymous said...

Intimacy requires trust

a very hard thing to earn and easy to lose

Cande said...

DOG3OY yeah I think that's also true, they are all factors, I guess trust and honesty go together. But I don't know for sure that it's indispensable, I need to think about that though.

ebony panther said...

I think Dog3oy is right. Intimacy requires trust above all. That's where people have the problem. It doesn't matter if you're male or female. Both sexes get burned & both get their hearts broken. Once that happens, it's tough to become intimate on that level with someone again. There's always that nagging "what if it happens again" feeling that surrounds you. Trust & intimacy is tough to earn, easy to lose, & even tougher to earn back, regardless of sex or sexuality. It's not just a guy thing.

Ethan Lambert said...

Hmmmm... I really feel for your here. I like cuddling and reading together, or feeding her when her hands are full, or showers together with no pretense of sex involved, or naked crossword puzzles for no reason other than the two of us are close enough to not feel a need to get dressed. All of these (to me at least) feel very intimate, and yet never seems to bridge that chasm between Lena and I. I'm not sure where the disconnect is between 'feels intimate to me' and 'mutually intimate' is though.

Sorry, rambling a little there.

Cande said...

Ebony: You are very right. But I think I have decided that trust and intimacy CAN be different. That doesn't mean that they are always different. Sometimes they are closely related. But there can be intimacy without total trust.

Ethan: I can totally understand that it might be difficult to understand what is mutually intimate and what feels intimate to you. Sometimes I have a hard time putting a finger on what feels intimate to me even.
A simple example of my recent intimacy was Rob looking me straight in the eyes during sex on the last morning in Birmingham. He had that same look in his eyes the morning before I left him the first time we met up too, but we weren't having sex. It was a mutual understanding. You just know when it happens. I think that if you feel the connection, then it's there...