Hot guys and my dad.

Two good looking guys on my way to work in the morning just make my day.

One is doing construction on the road I take, he wears a green monkey suit and he's probably in his 20s he says good morning to me every time I go by, and yeah, I go past there even if I don't have to... ok it's not like I make my trip that much longer, maybe 2 minutes, but still...

The other one is a guy that I've mentioned before. He works in the same field as I do and he's the one that a while back stopped me in the street one evening. Every time I see him though he looks different. He had a beard for a bit, then he had stubble, then none, then he's got his hair long, then short, Then with mirrored Raybans and then without... He ALWAYS says hi to me first and I end up flustered saying that I didn't recognize him. This morning though, he was standing where I was expecting him to stand and He had no beard but his raybans on and I recognized him and said hi first. He was talking to a pretty girl that wasn't his wife.
Without the beard he is HOT I mean the kind of hot where once you're far enough away from earshot, you say DAMN to yourself and this morning, on my bike as I whizzed by I smiled, covered my mouth (as I tend to do sometimes when I do something I shouldn't) and I said "damn he's hot" under my breath.

Today is Thursday, I wish I had an HNT pic... I like HNT. But things have been so hectic that I haven't had time to think of much. In fact there are emails I should be answering which I haven't gotten round to either. Perhaps while in greece I'll get to those.

Greece is around the corner. I had another argument with Bf yesterday that just got me so on edge. It's becoming a nightmare. I really really wish things didn't have to be so complicated. Sometimes I wonder whether I should give him any information at all. Keeping my mouth shut might make things easier... But I'm generally an honest person and I like to keep things clear so I'm stupid and tell him everything even if it makes life harder for me. My boss's sister is coming with us, they were supposed to go together and so she didn't give up her ticket and is coming anyhow. I thought it would make bf more comfortable. But it just brought out another argument so...bleh.... whatever.

I think my dad may have caught on that there's someone else in my thoughts. He told me today that if things don't survive with bf that I should try not to get involved with anyone else until it's over. It would make things so much more complicated. But I know that from experience and I told him that I didn't have anyone else.... I wonder now whether I should have told him about Rob. I'm really open with my dad. I'm sure he'd understand or at least listen and give me insight or advice. But I didn't tell him. I'm not sure why yet. But I'll be thinking about it, I want to ask myself that.

*Edit: reading back on this for editing I think that I'm afraid he'd convince me that Rob is a bad idea. My father has an incredible power of influence on me. I'd be afraid that he'd try to talk me out of the online relationship. Not that it would waiver me much but I'd have constant doubt... better not tell him.

the best part

There's something about that look on his face when he watches me cum that makes me want to cum again and again. Ok so the words he whispers into my headphones, the sight of his cock being rubbed slowly by his thumb and fingers, the pre-cum dripping over the head, the sight of his tongue over the edge of his lips all drive me completely crazy. But what really does it is that look in his eyes, that smile, the nod. That's what makes me want more.
Last night was so good, was so fucking good that I had to cum another 2 times this morning. It doesn't help that I'm really horny these days. The heat is what does it to me. I get horny as hell when it's hot out. The tight clothes and short skirts, bikinis and all that jazz just make my libido double.

He said he was surprised that I'd even want to get back into doing cyber with him after meeting up. I don't think I could give it up. I don't think I'd give it up for anything. I think that if we lived closer, and we managed to see each other more often it might dwindle. But this is the next best thing to actually having sex. And perhaps after the meeting the cyber is even better. I can actually picture, taste and almost feel what he's talking about. I've been through the sensations before with him. I can perfectly imagine the head of his cock gliding past my lips, I can remember the taste, remember the sensation of his fingers and his cock sliding into me, remember his cum showering on me.

I must be getting over my verbal shyness a little too. I never did have a problem doing things on cam, but my shyness was always when I have to speak. With him, last night, he asked me to talk. I admit I didn't go on for hours, but my words did make him cum and that just turned me on even more. Even this morning, thinking back on last night, I got off partially on thoughts of the words I'd said and the knowledge that it was at least a fraction of what made him cum.

Greek news and Nightmares.

So I went in to work yesterday. My boss was around but not really working as she is still very very weak and can't breath deeply without being in pain. She asked me officially if I would take her place in Greece and I accepted although slightly reluctantly as I have a wedding I'd like to be at and the fact that I'd be going with co-worker alone. I at least wanted to show my difficulties so that she would understand the situation.

I really do have mixed feelings (I may just be trying to convince myself of that) but I think I do. I had an argument, although a very tame one, with bf last night about it. I do not blame him in the least. I understand his jealousy and I understand his uneasiness. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.
I did however ask him if he wanted to come with us more than once and he refused. Last night he "joked" (as he called it) about coming but me paying for it. And the problem was that if he had told me right away that he wanted to come but couldn't afford it then I probably would have offered. But since he refused right off the bat and then comes back "joking" about me paying for it saying things like "if you really wanted me to come you'd pay for my trip" I just got angry and annoyed instead.

The fact that he expects me to pay for it rather than telling me the truth about not being able to afford it and suggesting we split it or something is really frustrating.

Apart from all that he understands that it's for work, he just thinks that I REALLY REALLY want to go and that I'm jumping for joy when I'm not. He says that I didn't even try not going, telling my boss that I wouldn't go. That is true but I know that my boss doesn't really have any alternatives. I really am not that at ease with the situation. But as is expected my feelings are mixed. I get to go to a greek island for a week to work half days and go to the beach and get paid for it all....

Co-worker's gf is also in a bunch about this, I don't blame her either. I wonder if anyone is going to believe us that nothing happened when we're both good and keep our distances.

I am not only anxious about having to go with Co-worker, but I'm also anxious about everything else the whole trip entails. It's going to be a stressful trip, with a lot of responsibilities. Luckily co-worker and I work very well together and listen to each other, we communicate well for work and are respectful of the other's ideas. So I'm sure it will be fine.

On a completely different note I had the weirdest dream last night... possibly nightmare. First of all I have been having dreams about Rob relatively regularly these days they're good dreams, very good dreams. But last night was a strange exception.

It was about meeting up online. We had organized to meet on Skype and we were cybering, when he knocks some fruit from a bowl onto the floor and it rolls away from the couch where he's sitting. The camera pans over to follow the fruit and I can see the camera crane in the shadows, the video gets shaky and then suddenly I can see the cameraman and audio boom. That's when I freak and close the laptop. My mind goes into a flurry not understanding fully but understanding something, and I have a new cell phone that for some reason is tracking his car or what the phone thinks is his car, and I'm trying to run away from the situation, running through a big city and running trying to catch him at the same time. I am expecting him to text me to explain but my cellphone is constantly trying to give me information on where he might be and I can't see my texts. And I'm desperate to hear from him hoping that he has some explanation, but deep down I know that he won't text or call.

That was at 5:30 this morning. I kept waking up and finally got out of bed at 7:30 after bf had left.

Cooling off.... or getting hot.

Aw man it has been hectic here. I'm totally beat. We had guests over the weekend that just left this morning. I've been running around getting laundry done, dishes washed, beds remade and am too tired to think about lunch but I'm hungry.

I talked to my boss yesterday who confirmed that she won't be around next week so I'm on my own again basically, and she mentioned the trip to Greece as well. It looks like I'll be going.

All I want to do is lie down in the cool bedroom strip down and think about Rob. Bf is out for another 45 mins... maybe that's just what I'll do.

Pneumonia and Greece???

My boss has pneumonia.... I've been working non stop, had to cancel private lessons these days too... I've got guests showing up tomorrow afternoon, and I can't even muster the energy to clean the house. There's so much that I need to do.

My boss has pneumonia and that's really a big thing for one massive reason. She organized a trip to Greece with Co-Worker to teach a mini 5 day course on one of the islands there. They were supposed to leave on the 26th to fly over. I'm pretty sure she can't fly that soon after pneumonia (if she recovers that quickly which is unlikely since she is an avid smoker), and this quite possibly will mean that I have to go with Co-worker instead.

Bf will not be happy if I end up going to a Greek island with Co-worker. And I am kinda afraid that the temptation will be strong... very strong. At the moment I don't really want anything to happen. I'm quite happy having kept my distance recently at work but the typical touching that we had in the past is slowly creeping back into our routine now that we're working so closely together these days.
I can't deny that I'm a little worried about it.

thanks

Thanks everyone for such kind words. As much as you guys are reassuring, I know I was not really behaving properly. I do however have the possibility to blame my anxiety for some of it, which hits hard on occasion, and I have a hard time understanding when it's hitting and why. I don't recognize it when I should. I need to learn to figure that out and this last episode has helped me understand more. So next time, hopefully I'll be more aware.

Sunday eve things started to calm in my brain. Monday morning early my boss called up saying she was sick and I had to go in to work alone and do all the lessons she does with me by myself. It was hair-raising and difficult. I was exhausted by 5:30 having to deal with a group of 6 women all on my own from 9 to 5:30. At 6:30 I had a lesson until 7:30 and by evening I was so tired I didn't know what to do with myself. 

I managed to crawl into the shower and crawl back to the couch to watch (the tail end of) Ethan Hawke play Hamlet dubbed into Italian, a very strange combination. But Ethan Hawke is cute so it was worth it.

My anxiety levels are much lower than the weekend luckily. I'm still really exhausted mentally and physically. Hopefully I'll catch up on rest a bit before my guests get here on Thursday, I want to be able to show them around a little. 

coming down.

The anxiety is wearing off. Whether that's because I got a much needed cyber smack in the back of the head from Rob telling me to pull myself together, or whether it's because I went out with friends for dinner (although I doubt it since they had me talking about london non stop). Or because I vented on here and got input or because the weekend is ending and work will take over my time again tomorrow. I'm also exhausted, anxiety and panic wears a person out. It's probably a combination of everything. Luckily, though, this type of crisis doesn't happen too often.

When they do take over, I feel like I'm going crazy, my mind starts working at an unstoppable rate. It's a horrible feeling. I just have to learn to ride it, figure out what I need to do in these situations. I painted today to see if it would pass, I finished the painting, but the feeling didn't pass. Probably getting out with friends would help more, but I don't have much of a selection that I can just call up at will. Today I was lucky.

I feel like I should apologize. I feel like a bit of a freak when I get overwhelmed like this. My reactions are all off, I can't think straight, I end up writing stupid things and risk doing stupid things. I really do need someone to give me a nice smack. I wish my best friend back home could have helped me today. She'd have been good at that but she had to work.

Anyhow, sorry for the freak show, and thanks for listening and helping.

You're right

You are all right.

Johanna:
The problems were there from the beginning, and that's why I went online. I'm sure of that. But at the same time, I probably should have cut things off with bf long ago. Bf and I learned to live together, learned to love each other and have been through a lot together.
It is strange, there really hasn't been much of my real life relationship without Rob, so it feels like the two go hand in hand. Except in the past I knew how to deal with it better than now. I feel  like things are getting out of control a little. No... I feel like I'm out of control.

I do need to be able to visualize a life where I feel that I am at ease and fulfilled, but at the moment I can't I don't know what I want and that's probably what I'm really feeling. It's probably just a total uncertainty.

I won't be taking Rob out of my life, I can't do that to myself or him, but I do need to get control of my actions and feelings.

Ebony:
You're right, I don't have a ring on my finger or any kind of real commitment except for bf's recent words. I have never felt guilty about anything I do online until I read that I may be the source of the lack of communication between us. I expect communication and honesty from bf while at the same time I have distanced myself from him. It has been like this since we got together, but at the beginning I was at least trying to communicate.

Lady Alexia:
That's exactly it. I need to pace things so I don't go loopy, I need to be ok with not getting things. I need to crave it less, expect it less and just be happy with what I get. It's like a roller coaster. Up and down and up and down... I feel like I need a little more control.

I feel like a freak a complete crazy freak. I'm not holding it together too well this weekend. Damn it. 

confused

This is a difficult post... I've written it and have been sitting wondering if I should post it... It feels wrong and right all at the same time.

I'm feeling really on edge today.
I went and read a few articles about online affairs and am now feeling confused.
My guilt may be setting in.... but it doesn't feel like guilt.
Online affairs are symptoms of a deeper relationship problem (and I already knew that). If I didn't have an affair would I manage things with bf better? probably.... (and I knew that too)

Here's a quick sum of things that I read:
Online affairs make you feel like your real relationship isn't enough.
It amplifies the negative qualities of your partner.
It forces you to withhold information, and therefore be deceitful and basically create a massive gap in communication with your partner.
The list goes on, and on...

Today I am feeling frustrated... really frustrated. So frustrated I feel like cutting all contacts. But I'm sure that won't happen. They make me feel too good. I find though that I'm seriously craving more and more contact. I think I need to back away. Because when I don't get the contact I need I get frustrated and anxious, it affects my mood more than it should... I really doubt this is healthy.

I need to concentrate on other things. I will make a serious effort to do so.... avoid email, avoid sitemeter... at least I'll try... for a while.

End of the week, with a priest, Rob and Studio searching.

I'm exhausted.... it's been a really busy week. I haven't had time for much of anything. Next week should be slower, except that Thursday, Friday, Saturday I've got guests coming.

Things have progressed a little on the studio front. I've contacted a few places and found a couple studios at the price I'm looking for. The stupid real estate agent that quoted me the price before tax got back to me and told me that they'd be able to come down a little and managed to quote me 385 with tax. I said I'd think about it.
Today I even got called about bigger apartment freeing up. Bf and I have also been thinking of getting a bigger apartment instead of me getting a studio. So maybe we'll go see that next week.

As Johanna said in her comment, I probably need to think about this and wait until after my trip. I think the trip will help me sort things out in my mind. It will definitely be a test for bf and I.... definitely.

Bf has really been trying hard. I think he's paranoid of losing me. He hasn't said anything negative to me at all since our "talk". He seduces me whenever he gets the chance too. He calles me "my love" all the time now too... It's kind of out of character, and kinda strange. He spent 5 minutes just giving me little kisses this morning before going for his run. I was still sleeping, kinda and I wasn't really appreciating it. I didn't move away, but I wanted to. I knew it would hurt his feelings if I did, so I just stayed put.

He's even getting "creative in bed" which is ok, but it means that I'm not reaching orgasm as much these days.

I'm looking forward to the end of June because bf will be out all day. He's doing an intensive English course in a town nearby, he'll be taking the train out and will be out all day every day for 2 weeks. I'm so stoked about that, I will have my freedom. And I may even have a week off work during that time.... hopefully....

I'm probably getting boring and repetitive. I miss Rob. Although I've been busy during the mornings and have had very little time to think about anything. In the afternoons I find myself hoping to find an email or a hit on the sitemeter. I keep trying to find reasons to write him, and when I can't think of anything I just leave it be. We usually send about an email a day, just to say hi, and literally it's just a one word email. We've chatted briefly in the evenings via skype, no video, just a chat. He was exhausted one eve and I the other, so it was just to say hi.

On a completely separate note, I got called to teach a priest. I had to go to the chapel. It was awkward, I love churches, old ones, but this was an ugly new little chapel at the hospital here. And I felt like I was going to burst into flames or something lol. Anyhow the priest turned out to be a nice guy, friendly, and during my 2 hour lesson I even got the urge to confess all my sins to him... how weird is that? hah. Anyhow it's strange how minds work. I've never been a religious person, my parents didn't even baptize me. I am basically the epitome of the sinner I'd say.

I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

I went to see that studio space/shop this afternoon. The place was nice. It's big enough to split into two parts, one for art stuff and one for lessons.
The stupid real-estate agent showed up and basically told me that the price she quoted me was before tax... that means an extra 20% to add to the price she originally quoted me. WTF? you tell me that once I'm there, four days after you've told me it costs 350?

I guess it's just not in the cards. Bf tells me to have faith in him and that he'll find something. But you know what, I'm still not really sure it makes much sense.

We're leaving for 45 days in July for North America, and won't be back until september. Then there's the fact that I'll be super busy this winter with all the extra courses I've been handed at the community college I work for. So I don't even know what I'd do with a studio that I'd just have to pay rent on, with so little time to actually use it.

It's a bit disconcerting. It feels like such a great thing to think about my own space.... but at the same time I don't know that it makes any sense.

I feel frustrated today. Even if things are going well with bf something tells me I need to move on.

Rob
I haven't really heard from Rob much today, I've sent him a few emails, but nothing terribly interesting. I still feel very strongly, I miss him intensely at times. Work has me busy so I have less time to think about him. But I get crazy turned on just thinking about him and other times I just want to hear from him, talk, hear his voice.
I think though that whether I like it or not, things are going back to normal, so to speak. The amount of contact we had is getting back to normal. As much as I don't want them to, the constant flow of emails and skype calls, that were constant while I had a week off, have subsided. I don't have much control over that so.....

How are things going?

Well, I feel like things are back to normal to an extent. After painting (painting, especially watercolours, calms the soul) after a full day back at work, and after mouth-watering very sweaty, and extremely satisfying cyber with Rob last night I'm definitely less on edge than I have been in ages. I even have plans to see a little shop/studio tomorrow, and I already have ideas for a couple more paintings.

Bf has been making a real effort these days as well. He actually asked me questions about my mother and whether she taught me to paint, and how I learned to draw. He has never really been interested in that kind of thing. He even asked about the art show I went to see and has been showing interest in various things I like. We've been collaborating on cooking more too.

We organized some more details on the trip back home and even though we didn't agree on certain dates we didn't fight... we were even laughing at one point. He even wrote up a little calendar of dates of where we will be and when we move from one place to another.

Co-worker
Things with Co-worker were interesting today. He told me about a concert in July that he'll be going to. Prince will be playing a date and he asked me if I wanted to go. It's a birthday present to himself I think. And I pretty much know his gf will be going. He didn't tell me that, but I assume, and basically saw something on FB that confirmed it.

Co-worker also said something strange today, that struck me, but I didn't pursue it at all, not wanting to get back into the heavy flirting position I was in a few months ago. He said... ok, well I'm not sure he intended it as a question or an affirmation... he said something about me being humid. I'm pretty sure it was a question too, I think he asked if I was damp, but.. yeah I ignored it.

I was also distracted at one point today and he witnessed the result which was a simple mistake. And he came up and tapped me on the top of my head and said, "where are you today? Are you in love? tired? distracted?" And I answered "all of the above".

So that's how things are... I'd say it's ok for now.

Poppies

It has been an interesting weekend.
Yesterday after talking with Rob for a bit and being sluggish and not very communicative his gf came home and I headed out to an art show opening that I had been invited to. I didn't really want to go at first, but I dragged my butt of the couch and went.
There were TONS of people there, but the show was amazing. It was absolutely spectacular. The woman is an amazing artist with just so much stuff. Water colours and mixed media. It was inspirational since I used to work a lot in watercolours. It was botanical stuff which I love.
Anyhow at the show I met up with a couple of friends and ended up at a culture festival where we had felafel and watched 2 and a half concerts. The music was excellent. And there were a lot of people there. I half flirted with a guy who wouldn't stop staring at me. Not because he was good looking, just because I could, he kept looking at my feet. lol... I guess he liked my new sandals.

Today on the other hand I painted all day. The show had my all worked up about painting again. So I did a little two piece painting of a poppy. Which I'll post a portion of below. I'm pretty pleased with it, It's been ages since I painted. probably 2 years or so.

Painting is a bit like having sex. I was thinking about it all day while I was painting. I may even write a little sensory description of it. It might be an interesting change from sex. heh.

I hate winning.... in this case.

We didn't last long on that bet. I was aching to write him all day yesterday, but managed to stay away from the computer for most of the day. Between studio hunting with bf in the morning and forcing (I do not exaggerate) myself out of the house to an art show I wanted to see and then over to hang out with friends in the afternoon. I was in a terrible mood all day though, being really sulky for most of it but luckily he sent me an email later in the day that just said "you win", which I saw after dinner with friends. This morning we were right back at sending emails back and forth.

I think he keeps me sane.
He makes things with bf bearable. That's probably not a good thing...

Today bf has been out of the house all morning doing the odd job that he does. And since he was up at 4:30 am he's back in bed for a nap before heading to his other odd job this evening. So I basically have the day and house to myself.

I happily finished my translation this morning with Rob's occasional emails to distract me. I cooked bf lunch and tidied the living room a little.
I played with a little spirograph I bought at a dollar store yesterday, I love spirographs. I'm thinking I should get another one, it had a different shape so it would make oval spirals. I might just walk back today and get it.

Studios

I'm not having a good day. I'm probably in Rob withdrawal.....definitely in Rob withdrawal. But apart from that as much as bf thinks he's helping, he's not.

This morning we went out to try to look into a studio space for me. I wanted to go to one agency that I'd been to before about a place, but never got back to them. But bf convinced me to go to another one first. In this place the woman had a space that she wanted to show us, but halfway through talking, while she was distracted on a call, he told me that he didn't think it was the right place. She hadn't even told us what the place was like yet. I had to "politely" tell him that I wanted to finish the conversation before deciding and perhaps even see the place before making a decision.

He kept interrupting what I was saying to add his own comments about needing an extra room, about not having space at home and not wanting to spend a lot... It bugs me. Then he goes looking at empty shops on streets close to home that are HUGE and he says, let's call about this place. And I know it's going to cost an arm and a leg because big shops with windows on high traffic streets cost tons. And when I call about them because he insists, I'm always right and when the agency asks me how much I'm willing to spend they basically laugh in my face. ARRRGGGGG

He lectured me on how much money I could invest in this, on when I'd have to start rent from, on how much I could afford to spend per month, how I'd have to worry about parking, how I'd have to worry about neighbours and making noise if I'm doing noisy artsy things..... WTF?!? It's annoying.

I did see a small shop that might be within my range today. but I keep thinking how stupid I am to go spend 350 Euros per month on a studio plus my monthly rent to live which I'm paying 400 Euros per month into (that includes bills and stuff though). that 750 euros for everything. The place I was thinking of moving into if I left bf is 550 and I'd have room for everything............
This is why my dad told me that he thought my mind was made up.

The bet.

We made a bet. Kinda... well we were in the middle of determining it when his gf came home. We were betting whether we could stay away from each other, emails, blogs, skype, texts until monday. I'll loose. I'm sure of it. I will try though, we probably need the break.

I'll probably end up posting every 5 minutes instead... I've already been posting basically twice a day already.

So Rob and I met up on line yesterday. It was..... HOT... yeah sweaty and sticky and dripping and just plain yummy.
I came three times, my arm and hand are still aching.

I had sex with bf last night too. It all started with me slipping bf's thumb between my lips and licking it lightly. It was residue from what I wanted to do to Rob. But this time with Bf apart from that I was able to concentrate on the sex with him. Only problem is that my orgasms are much less intense than they were. I'm sure it'll come back. But at the moment the physical memory, or rather my body's memory of Rob's cock inside me is too strong still. The way his cock filled me, how deep I could feel him, my body won't get over that too fast.

HNT sandals

My new black sandals :-)

On a different note:
I'm going to start writing a compilation of the confirmation words I get on other peoples posts when I go to post a comment. I love them

Today I got SPERM on Johanna's blog.... I mean really! How the heck....?!? That was just awesome. I gasped in surprised and then laughed at myself.
SPITLERA was another worthy of note. It sounds like some saliva monster woman.

I think they should tailor them especially for the blogs that you're commenting on. Us sex bloggers could get all sorts of slutty words.

Catch 22

Feel free to laugh and make fun of me. I am ridiculous.

Tonight I miss him like crazy. I wanted to send him an email but stopped myself.  I'd already sent him god knows how many today. Writing it here lets me get it out, I know he'll read it and I haven't been so obviously obsessive.... except that now I've admitted it and I'm right back at square one.

I keep checking my email even if I know he's probably sleeping, I keep checking my sitemeter, and then something appears and I wonder if it's him that late. And if it is I feel like telling him to stop thinking about me, because it makes me think about him even more and miss him even more. But I don't really want to tell him that because then I wouldn't see his hits on the sitemeter and I'd be sad and miss him that way too. It's a catch 22 see.

Someone slap me... please.

Parents, lovers, regrets and understanding

Lovers have a special bond I think. They open themselves and tell each other secrets that they wouldn't normally tell their partners. They are more intimate in many ways.

This sentence has very little to do with what I'm going to write about. But it did come to mind as I was thinking about this post, so it must have some connection.

I was talking with Floyd this morning and since he's going through a rough divorce with two kids he asked me about my parent's separation and how I felt about it.

It was a tough conversation for me. It was something that I haven't thought about in years and what made it more difficult was that the reason for their separation was that my mother cheated on my dad. I think I had blamed her for a long time and we were never close, possibly due to that, possibly because of other reasons. But my mother has since passed away (6 years ago) and I am only realizing now how she felt. And I am only now coming to terms with what went on. I have finally been able to put the puzzle pieces together. Between things that my father told me the other day about their relationship and what Floyd asked about today I have understood a lot.
The emotions connected to all of that are stronger than my body is willing to admit. I haven't cried yet, but I know I will explode at some point because of the pressure building inside.

I happened to read a passage in one of my mothers sketch books/ diaries after she passed away. She was not happy about getting pregnant with me. She was in another relationship (with my older half sister's father) and she had met my father. I was not a child that she wanted, but she stuck to the relationship anyhow. I think she felt that she was somewhat forced into the situation. (I wonder if she felt like I do with bf).

My father told me that people offset each other in different ways with different people, bringing different parts of their personalities to light depending on who they're with. My parents clashed. They were often arguing and I probably would have grown up in a healthier environment had they separated earlier.
And something that Rob has always said comes to mind as well: I'm looking to get caught.

All of this points me in one direction: I think that my mother was looking for a way out of the relationship with my father just as I may be doing now.

I have always sworn I wouldn't do as my mother did. I refused to be like her but I didn't know where to do the surgery. What I mean is I didn't know where the mistake was, I thought it was one mistake when in fact it was another. I blamed my mother for cheating on my dad, but that wasn't her biggest mistake. Her biggest mistake was getting into a relationship that wasn't healthy for her (and getting pregnant). As we get older I think we understand our parents, we understand their motivations and reactions to situations better. We go through similar situations and the only thing we can do is to hope to learn from them better than our parents did.

I have no way of telling my mother that I don't blame her. That's my only regret. I regret she didn't try to explain it to me. Maybe she didn't understand it herself. She used other excuses with me, but I was too angry to accept them, and they weren't sincere.

Maybe I am repeating what my mother did, but I can only hope that I understand it better than she did.

late night

If I had a cock, it would be bulging and hard... I'm not a guy though, and I have a hole. It gets wet, and my clit often feels like it's going to explode, but apart from fluids, there really isn't much to show for being super horny.

Sometimes I wish I had more proof. There are times when I'm so worked up that I think I'll literally go insane. Today (basically yesterday now) was one of those days.

I had sex with bf that I mentioned in my post in the morning. Then I was supposed to be working on my translation and I was constantly distracted. By the time afternoon rolled by I had exchanged various emails with Rob and he had me so hot, so wet, so horny that I couldn't stand the feel of my jeans against my clit. Bf dragged me off to three shops and all I wanted to do was get on skype to have Rob fuck my mind silly.

I bought a pair of black strappy sandals with a little heel, very sexy...

Bf will not leave me alone. He's constantly nearby, constantly keeping close. We watched Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind"

Now that bf has gone to bed I want to get off, but I don't know how. I just want Rob's cock inside me.

I don't even want to watch porn. I feel like it might ruin the images I have seared onto my brain.

So here's what I do:
I pull up the pic of his cock... the one he sent me this afternoon. I can see his perfect head, the ridges and veins, his hand gripping the base, and the drop of precum barely visible on the tip.
I lay back on the couch and I undo my jeans, slip my hand in over my panties, but my jeans are tight. Pushing my jeans down to my thighs, I can open my legs just enough, my fingers work circles around my clit over the cotton. With my other hand, my fingers feel the wetness, the dip, the cave, pushing the fabric in, feeling it give. My fingers work faster, circles, my other hand sneaks in beside my panties, moving them barely to the side, to slip the tip of my finger in. The lips of my pussy part, ever so slightly. I can feel everything, in the most minute detail. I'm so sensitive it won't take long for me to cum. My fingers move from my clit to slip under, to touch myself directly on my skin, I'm ready, the contrast will be drastic. First to my mouth, I wet my fingers, then back to my clit. I gasp, all I need is the tip of my finger inside me at first, but then the picture reminds me of how he filled me, and another finger creeps in beside the first, and then another. My other hand working frantically on my clit, my mouth widens, my breathing quickens, gasping, trying desperately not to make noise, I moan softly, and my body convulses, head back, eyes closed, I try to calm my breathing, my fingers slide out of me, keeping my fingers on my clit I can't stop, the orgasm hasn't subsided, I can make it last longer if I move carefully.

I could easily go again...