Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Parents, lovers, regrets and understanding

Lovers have a special bond I think. They open themselves and tell each other secrets that they wouldn't normally tell their partners. They are more intimate in many ways.

This sentence has very little to do with what I'm going to write about. But it did come to mind as I was thinking about this post, so it must have some connection.

I was talking with Floyd this morning and since he's going through a rough divorce with two kids he asked me about my parent's separation and how I felt about it.

It was a tough conversation for me. It was something that I haven't thought about in years and what made it more difficult was that the reason for their separation was that my mother cheated on my dad. I think I had blamed her for a long time and we were never close, possibly due to that, possibly because of other reasons. But my mother has since passed away (6 years ago) and I am only realizing now how she felt. And I am only now coming to terms with what went on. I have finally been able to put the puzzle pieces together. Between things that my father told me the other day about their relationship and what Floyd asked about today I have understood a lot.
The emotions connected to all of that are stronger than my body is willing to admit. I haven't cried yet, but I know I will explode at some point because of the pressure building inside.

I happened to read a passage in one of my mothers sketch books/ diaries after she passed away. She was not happy about getting pregnant with me. She was in another relationship (with my older half sister's father) and she had met my father. I was not a child that she wanted, but she stuck to the relationship anyhow. I think she felt that she was somewhat forced into the situation. (I wonder if she felt like I do with bf).

My father told me that people offset each other in different ways with different people, bringing different parts of their personalities to light depending on who they're with. My parents clashed. They were often arguing and I probably would have grown up in a healthier environment had they separated earlier.
And something that Rob has always said comes to mind as well: I'm looking to get caught.

All of this points me in one direction: I think that my mother was looking for a way out of the relationship with my father just as I may be doing now.

I have always sworn I wouldn't do as my mother did. I refused to be like her but I didn't know where to do the surgery. What I mean is I didn't know where the mistake was, I thought it was one mistake when in fact it was another. I blamed my mother for cheating on my dad, but that wasn't her biggest mistake. Her biggest mistake was getting into a relationship that wasn't healthy for her (and getting pregnant). As we get older I think we understand our parents, we understand their motivations and reactions to situations better. We go through similar situations and the only thing we can do is to hope to learn from them better than our parents did.

I have no way of telling my mother that I don't blame her. That's my only regret. I regret she didn't try to explain it to me. Maybe she didn't understand it herself. She used other excuses with me, but I was too angry to accept them, and they weren't sincere.

Maybe I am repeating what my mother did, but I can only hope that I understand it better than she did.


Max said...

Beautiful post.

Sometimes it takes a long time to realize that our parents were just confused kids too - that they weren't bad people, they were trying the best they could. I hope the realization gives you some peace.

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

Like Max, I hope it helps you see better for yourself. We always try our best, it is a learning process.