Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I honestly don't know what to think anymore.

I went to see that studio space/shop this afternoon. The place was nice. It's big enough to split into two parts, one for art stuff and one for lessons.
The stupid real-estate agent showed up and basically told me that the price she quoted me was before tax... that means an extra 20% to add to the price she originally quoted me. WTF? you tell me that once I'm there, four days after you've told me it costs 350?

I guess it's just not in the cards. Bf tells me to have faith in him and that he'll find something. But you know what, I'm still not really sure it makes much sense.

We're leaving for 45 days in July for North America, and won't be back until september. Then there's the fact that I'll be super busy this winter with all the extra courses I've been handed at the community college I work for. So I don't even know what I'd do with a studio that I'd just have to pay rent on, with so little time to actually use it.

It's a bit disconcerting. It feels like such a great thing to think about my own space.... but at the same time I don't know that it makes any sense.

I feel frustrated today. Even if things are going well with bf something tells me I need to move on.

I haven't really heard from Rob much today, I've sent him a few emails, but nothing terribly interesting. I still feel very strongly, I miss him intensely at times. Work has me busy so I have less time to think about him. But I get crazy turned on just thinking about him and other times I just want to hear from him, talk, hear his voice.
I think though that whether I like it or not, things are going back to normal, so to speak. The amount of contact we had is getting back to normal. As much as I don't want them to, the constant flow of emails and skype calls, that were constant while I had a week off, have subsided. I don't have much control over that so.....


Advizor54 said...

It's difficult to let things go back to "normal" when "normal" pales by comparison to the thrill of being together.

But normal offers comfort and predictability. You know where Rob is, how to get him, when you can hear from him. The frequency may drift because real life gets most of your time, but he's out there for you, and that is nice to know.

Johanna said...

No, it doesn't make sense... I'd have to agree with you! Not now, anyway. But even if you don't get a studio right now, you've started thinking about possibilities, and bf seems to be supportive, so those possibilities will still be there after summer, and hopefully the mere thought of it will help you cope. Making plans is almost as satisfying as carrying them out.

Perhaps the community college can offer a work space of some sort? Or perhaps the trip will provide you with new ideas and inspiration, and come fall, you'll be glad you didn't jump at the first opportunity, because with the new perspectives you've gained it will all fall into place.

I think it's important that you don't see this time as a vacuum, as time spent waiting for something else to happen, as time wasted. This is an important time - it may be the end of your relationship, or a fresh start, or both. Maybe take a break from making decisions until after the trip...? In your mind, you're going through changes - take this time to keep up. Allow yourself to just be in it, with all its joys and frustrations.

Ethan Lambert said...

Once upon a time, I found a lot of things difficult to make real or sensical (is that a word?). Like supporting myself without a roommate, or owning a car and all the expenses that come along with that (I do live in California after all). But for a long time I was seeing... felt stuck with... this girl, and I never realized how much energy and creativity I was wasting staying numb about the rut I was in. When I got my own space, I realized it was like I had forgotten how to be optimistic. When I had the energy to be creative (about my situation, not like your paintings) again, everything else seemed to come easy. Suddenly owning a car was easy, and supporting myself (and Lena) was easy, excelling at work was easy, managing my money was easy. All because I was happy and alive again.

I don't know if that has anything to do with your situation. Your post just reminded me of bygone days.

ebony panther said...

I think you're right. I think it's time to move on.

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

Now that you have started to move on, do not stop, you do not need to do all at once, but the possibility for change is close by.

Johanna said...

Just to clarify... I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense to move on, or to rent a studio. But if I've understood it correctly, the studio plan is both to gain more space in your relationship AND a career move... and if you hope to generate an income from this, well then we're moving on from relationship advice to business advice, which is something different entirely, lol.

I have my own business and I've learned that while it's usually wise to spend money, as in investing, it's even wiser to make sure you have a plan in place and are ready to roll the second your money starts going out. Some people come up with great plans just like that, and it wouldn't surprise me if you're one of those people, but I'm the kind that needs to think and rethink and rethink again before I act on it. And I usually come up with good plans while travelling... it's something about the new impressions.

It sometimes takes a long time to end a business contract, as on a studio or office space, so if you don't have the costs covered for quite a while ahead you might want to wait at least until after summer to rent something, is all I'm saying. But if you have the extra money, just go for it!