Sunday, June 12, 2011

You're right

You are all right.

The problems were there from the beginning, and that's why I went online. I'm sure of that. But at the same time, I probably should have cut things off with bf long ago. Bf and I learned to live together, learned to love each other and have been through a lot together.
It is strange, there really hasn't been much of my real life relationship without Rob, so it feels like the two go hand in hand. Except in the past I knew how to deal with it better than now. I feel  like things are getting out of control a little. No... I feel like I'm out of control.

I do need to be able to visualize a life where I feel that I am at ease and fulfilled, but at the moment I can't I don't know what I want and that's probably what I'm really feeling. It's probably just a total uncertainty.

I won't be taking Rob out of my life, I can't do that to myself or him, but I do need to get control of my actions and feelings.

You're right, I don't have a ring on my finger or any kind of real commitment except for bf's recent words. I have never felt guilty about anything I do online until I read that I may be the source of the lack of communication between us. I expect communication and honesty from bf while at the same time I have distanced myself from him. It has been like this since we got together, but at the beginning I was at least trying to communicate.

Lady Alexia:
That's exactly it. I need to pace things so I don't go loopy, I need to be ok with not getting things. I need to crave it less, expect it less and just be happy with what I get. It's like a roller coaster. Up and down and up and down... I feel like I need a little more control.

I feel like a freak a complete crazy freak. I'm not holding it together too well this weekend. Damn it. 


Cande said...

It's the weekends too that make me crazy.... weekends drive me nutty because I don't have enough to keep me busy.

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

You really need to find yourself an activity that makes you happy, painting, maybe become part of a club, take lessons, just things that keep your mind busy with happy thoughts. As for bf, do you think you still love him, deep inside? Maybe the trip will put things into perspective. I know exactly how you feel. Been there last year.


Advizor54 said...

I think you are going to feel unsettled for a while as the decisions you have to make solidify in your mind and then in your heart. Breaking from a long term relationship, ring or not, is a painful experience and forces us into a whole new way of thinking.

You can't visualize a new future yet because you are holding on the to present out of guilt and commitment and real emotions for the BF. Those are all valid emotions to be going through and shouldn't be ignored. However, it's important for your long term health and happiness to find a new way of thinking that puts your needs first. It's not selfish, it's just realistic.

Johanna said...

Don't read about online relationships any more... vent your worries and fears here instead, and think about what it's been like for you. I'm confident you know more on the topic than most any author. Trust yourself.

It's a difficult time now... the intensity with Rob wearing off a little, that phase has always been hard, but now it's got to be worse since you're coming down from what must be an all time high. Add to that the uncertainty with bf... of course you feel you have no control. I hope things calm down soon and that you'll find some peace of mind. Find your centre. Focus on what gives you energy and makes you happy, even if those things perhaps don't work as well as they usually do now that everything is upside down. Meet friends? Paint?