The problems were there from the beginning, and that's why I went online. I'm sure of that. But at the same time, I probably should have cut things off with bf long ago. Bf and I learned to live together, learned to love each other and have been through a lot together.
It is strange, there really hasn't been much of my real life relationship without Rob, so it feels like the two go hand in hand. Except in the past I knew how to deal with it better than now. I feel like things are getting out of control a little. No... I feel like I'm out of control.
I do need to be able to visualize a life where I feel that I am at ease and fulfilled, but at the moment I can't I don't know what I want and that's probably what I'm really feeling. It's probably just a total uncertainty.
I won't be taking Rob out of my life, I can't do that to myself or him, but I do need to get control of my actions and feelings.
You're right, I don't have a ring on my finger or any kind of real commitment except for bf's recent words. I have never felt guilty about anything I do online until I read that I may be the source of the lack of communication between us. I expect communication and honesty from bf while at the same time I have distanced myself from him. It has been like this since we got together, but at the beginning I was at least trying to communicate.
That's exactly it. I need to pace things so I don't go loopy, I need to be ok with not getting things. I need to crave it less, expect it less and just be happy with what I get. It's like a roller coaster. Up and down and up and down... I feel like I need a little more control.
I feel like a freak a complete crazy freak. I'm not holding it together too well this weekend. Damn it.