Saturday, October 1, 2011


I was busy getting things ready for bf's mum and sister this morning, rolling around on my wheelie chair to keep off my swollen foot, when I decided to text my friend about her apartment to see if it was still free.

It's strange how we (or maybe just I) tend to picture things for the future. I was so sure about that apartment that I was already picturing myself in it working, making art, being up late on projects.

She's rented it.

Just another complication in a sea of difficulties.

Now I have to figure out how to search for an apartment (in a very small town) without bf finding out for the time being...

My morale is a bit down now. I was banking on that so much, I was sure it would be free. She said it would be free until Christmas.  *insert pouty face here*

I talked to my best friend yesterday who brought up different aspects of breaking up with bf, things to expect and things to think about. I was sort of feeling cold and distant from the problem to the point that I just wanted to get it over with, but now, when she tells me she just wants to hug me, I get tears in my eyes. I want to keep my distance. I don't want to feel emotional about this. I want to be able to be cool and calm and emotionally detached when I explain things to him, but at this rate, I won't be.

My best friend offered for me to stay in Canada where she is, take a 6 month sabbatical and just do art. It's so tempting.... The art community where she is is extremely supportive. I witnessed that when I went to visit her.

I could totally see myself living there and teaching art in one of the schools, teaching what I teach here even to adults. I could start importing materials. I'd miss the sea, the long summers, and I'd hate the long cold winters. It snows a lot there.

When I think about all that I want to cry. Tears well up and I wish I had her closer.

Enough of that....

I need to concentrate on now.


Lisa (Tantra Flower) said...

I think Canada sounds wonderful. I know you would miss the sea and winter weather isn't ideal, but it wouldn't be permanent.

Really though, you should do whatever your inner voice is telling you to do. Your true voice, the one who wants what is best for you and knows what you need to be happy. XO

Anonymous said...

do you have a friend that can do initial apartment "screening" for you?

Cande said...

Lisa, Yeah Canada does sound wonderful.
And as for following my inner voice, you're right... I will try, it is the same advice my father gave me.

Anon: I don't unfortunately, I haven't told a soul here in town that I'll be separating yet. just external family and friends, people who don't live here. So alas I'm alone in my search, but it shouldn't be too difficult.