I have been in tears most of the day since lunch.
The conversation was painful. I knew it would be, but I was hoping he'd be cold and just accept the facts. It wasn't that simple.
First he tried to convince me to stay, asking me questions about why I would put 14 years on the line and why I wanted to leave. He can't understand. He will never understand. He asked me if he had asked me to marry him 4 years ago if I'd have accepted. He asked me if we got married now if it would make a difference.
He didn't get angry, ever. He says he understands, but then hints of frustration and anger shine through his otherwise perfect behavior, saying that I am selfish for not thinking of him.
I feel selfish. I feel terrible. He cried during a hug, but it was a glimpse of red and wet tears... a single tear perhaps was shed. I feel sorry that he can't express his pain better. Because I'm sure he is in pain.
Once he understood that I wasn't going to change my mind he said, "Ok, so how do we do this? We have so much stuff...".
I've moved into the guest room... He was going to, but I need it for my private lessons. So I've moved in here.
He is practical, but I also think that he is hoping I will change my mind. We organized (he suggested) to pay rent together until March, and whoever finds the apartment first will move first. If not we will both move out at the same time in March.
Other than the conversation, the tears and my move into the guest room, he has been acting normally. We have been talking about normal things. And it seems like nothing happened....
The whole situation is strange. Now, I just need to find the apartment.
I have to get an MRI done on my foot, I have to go see an orthopedic doctor on Friday. I may have a fibroma in my foot... I'm not sure what that means. But I guess I'll find out.