Thursday, October 13, 2011

confused

This is a very difficult post for me. I am extremely confused (and that is an understatement), although I admit that my ideas may be getting clearer as I speak with friends and family.

Up until today things had gone relatively smoothly with very little "opposition" on Bf's part.

Today though, when I woke up this morning, he asked me if I'd be around in the afternoon so that we could talk. We weren't sure it was going to pan out seeing as we both had things to do, but we aimed for the afternoon.

When I got home from work in the late morning he was having a cigarette, he has been smoking a little, in front of me since the "conversation".

We sat down and he started to talk.
He explained that he hasn't been eating, that he doesn't think he can live without me, that he has understood more in the past 3 days than he has understood in last 14 years....

-He understands now that he has denied me the basic foundations of a relationship: communication and expressing one's love for another.

-He understands that he wasted time on so many useless things when he could have been making concrete steps towards a future together.

-He understands that he concentrated on the wrong things and put too much energy into the wrong things.

-He understands my perspective now.

(consider as well, that I said nothing of these things during the conversation, he came up with them on his own)

He cried as he explained this. It was the first time in 14 years I've actually seen him cry... and really cry.
He said that he wants to get involved in my artwork more (it is something that generally is heavy work and needs manual labour to make it possible). He wants to take courses (in this artform) so that in a future we could open a studio someplace like back in North America or another country.
He mentioned getting married next summer.

I didn't give him an answer. I cried though, I hugged him, and I told him that I needed time to think about things.
_________

This is what I was expecting 10 years ago... I was expecting him to open up, propose to me and become even minimally interested in what I do. It never came. I'm getting it now that I'm trying to break up with him.

*My sister suggested I keep an open mind. People change...
They do, I've seen it. Especially if there is a catalyst, and this is definitely a catalyst. In other words, she thinks I should give him another chance.

*My best friend says that he shouldn't be changing out of fear for losing me. She's not sure that he will change as much as I need him to and in what amount of time.
In other words, not close the door on him completely but see if he changes even after I've moved out. (which in my opinion may be difficult seeing as I won't be witnessing the changes if I'm not present).

*My view (which isn't concrete, mostly questions): I need to figure out whether I want to be in the relationship even if he does give me everything I've always asked for and wanted.
After 13 years of not (or very rarely) hearing someone say (or saying yourself) "I love you", it's difficult to know what you feel, because you've never expressed it. So even if he does start, will I feel comfortable saying "I love you" back? Do I love him? ... so much time has passed since I fell in love that I don't actually know what I feel. I think (but don't actually know) that if a couple uses the phrase from the start, the feeling is amplified or at least reinstated every time it is said.

His offer is tempting... very tempting. I'd love to give in to a safe and comfortable future with him. But there are so many uncertainties on either side of the decision I don't know what to think.

I need to talk to my father, see what he says. He gives good advice that has generally always been beneficial. But I basically already know where he stands.

Maybe I need to ask Bf what HE wants out of his life. I don't think that following me in my art endeavors is his ultimate life choice. What if I choose to move into my own apartment, and he goes and does courses in the art that I practice? What if I then decide not to "get back together"?  I'd have wasted another chunk of his life.... Should I even be contemplating the complications that could arise?

To be honest, I don't want to cut him off completely, I wanted the separation to be gradual, leaving the door open to changes. I can't deny that I care for him... that's the problem.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

follow your heart...it will never mislead you...

Osbasso said...

I throw this out...you seem concerned about the chunks of his life. Not until the end here did I read anything about YOUR chunks of life. Your best friend says it best, I think, but it goes both ways. Will he change, and for the right reasons? And even if he changes everything 180°, will you be in love with that person?

It doesn't really matter what WE say/think. Anonymous says it best--follow your heart. (but with a sprinkling of head, too!)

Eden said...

I think best friend gave good advice. When we've been jolted into facing the reality of losing someone, we can go through strong emotions and promise things that are often only reactions to the moment. That's not to say there is no sincerity in what is said, but given the time period and emotions surrounding your recent breakup, it's hard to determine the quality of consideration as to whether one can realistically meet the changes they say they can make. I think you'd both need time to see whether those changes are changes the person really wants to make and whether they can be lived up to past this period. And even if they could, whether you still feel your heart is into supporting a future for the two of you.

It can be too easy to look through rose-coloured glasses at a time like this and rely on words alone. But you've have been given good advice from people who know you. Best wishes, I hope you manage to work through what you want.

Advizor54 said...

I'm a real cynic when it comes to "change" brought on by a crisis.

Yes, he is seeing things in a whole new light.
Yes, he's now (just now) scared of a life without you.
Yes, he thinks he understands your point of view, but (and there is always a "but" and mine's pretty big), none of these epiphanies are going to change his upbringing, his view of women and their role, how he values your talent and creativity, and it won't change his sex drive, his hygiene, or his desire to watch soccer over talking to you.

This sounds harsh, but I've seen religious conversions, health conversions, porn conversions from all sorts of crisis moments, but rarely do they last. I still think you should move out and date him if he still wants to see you. Otherwise I fear that he will turn into the BF he is right now once he sees that the crisis is over. You’ll be able to see him change from a place of strength, and he’ll have the personal space to decide if he’s changing just for you and to avert the breakup, or if he’s seeing a better way of relating to people (you). And, as he’s thinking, you’ll get a better perspective on whether you want him at all.
Boy, that sounds so mean…. Oh, and though it’s romantic, I never follow my heart, my heart is an idiot.

Anonymous said...

Been reading your story for awhile.

Given your interest in the co-worker, Rob, etc. I'd say you've only stayed with the BF b/c it was easy/comfortable/stable.

You clearly are in a place where you need to move on. He hasn't given you what you needed for years!

Be glad you aren't married, don't have kids or other serious commitments with him.

I agree with your best friend. Move out. You can still "date" him. Give him space to improve himself while you improve yourself.

Best of luck.

Carolina said...

Cande,

Again this is me. This is exactly my story too. The problem here with keeping him around is that if you are not sure you love him but he truly still loves you..it may cause problems. I have been so disconnected from my hubs that I thought being friends with him would make me change the way I feel. Maybe see the changes he's made for himself which he has changed but i am still not comfortable with the changes. It's odd to see someone who was horrible, become this positive person overnight. Why now? Gets you angry too BTW. Well we hung out 2 months and now he wants to rush back into US. I am still struggling if I love him so US is not an option. That explaination was followed by an ultimatum by him. Friends is not an option! Sucks. But i don't know what I want. Isn't that a horrible feeling? To know what u wanted but because of the other person you totally lost your sense of knowing what you now want? It just sucks!