Up until today things had gone relatively smoothly with very little "opposition" on Bf's part.
Today though, when I woke up this morning, he asked me if I'd be around in the afternoon so that we could talk. We weren't sure it was going to pan out seeing as we both had things to do, but we aimed for the afternoon.
When I got home from work in the late morning he was having a cigarette, he has been smoking a little, in front of me since the "conversation".
We sat down and he started to talk.
He explained that he hasn't been eating, that he doesn't think he can live without me, that he has understood more in the past 3 days than he has understood in last 14 years....
-He understands now that he has denied me the basic foundations of a relationship: communication and expressing one's love for another.
-He understands that he wasted time on so many useless things when he could have been making concrete steps towards a future together.
-He understands that he concentrated on the wrong things and put too much energy into the wrong things.
-He understands my perspective now.
(consider as well, that I said nothing of these things during the conversation, he came up with them on his own)
He cried as he explained this. It was the first time in 14 years I've actually seen him cry... and really cry.
He said that he wants to get involved in my artwork more (it is something that generally is heavy work and needs manual labour to make it possible). He wants to take courses (in this artform) so that in a future we could open a studio someplace like back in North America or another country.
He mentioned getting married next summer.
I didn't give him an answer. I cried though, I hugged him, and I told him that I needed time to think about things.
*My sister suggested I keep an open mind. People change...
They do, I've seen it. Especially if there is a catalyst, and this is definitely a catalyst. In other words, she thinks I should give him another chance.
*My best friend says that he shouldn't be changing out of fear for losing me. She's not sure that he will change as much as I need him to and in what amount of time.
In other words, not close the door on him completely but see if he changes even after I've moved out. (which in my opinion may be difficult seeing as I won't be witnessing the changes if I'm not present).
*My view (which isn't concrete, mostly questions): I need to figure out whether I want to be in the relationship even if he does give me everything I've always asked for and wanted.
After 13 years of not (or very rarely) hearing someone say (or saying yourself) "I love you", it's difficult to know what you feel, because you've never expressed it. So even if he does start, will I feel comfortable saying "I love you" back? Do I love him? ... so much time has passed since I fell in love that I don't actually know what I feel. I think (but don't actually know) that if a couple uses the phrase from the start, the feeling is amplified or at least reinstated every time it is said.
His offer is tempting... very tempting. I'd love to give in to a safe and comfortable future with him. But there are so many uncertainties on either side of the decision I don't know what to think.
I need to talk to my father, see what he says. He gives good advice that has generally always been beneficial. But I basically already know where he stands.
Maybe I need to ask Bf what HE wants out of his life. I don't think that following me in my art endeavors is his ultimate life choice. What if I choose to move into my own apartment, and he goes and does courses in the art that I practice? What if I then decide not to "get back together"? I'd have wasted another chunk of his life.... Should I even be contemplating the complications that could arise?
To be honest, I don't want to cut him off completely, I wanted the separation to be gradual, leaving the door open to changes. I can't deny that I care for him... that's the problem.