Thursday, October 13, 2011


This is in part an answer to all of you who have commented as well as personal observations and thoughts on the situation.

I never follow my heart. My heart is often too passionate and impulsive. I also never follow my head, because my head rationalizes too much and often I get mislead.
I try to follow my gut. My gut instinct is what has always brought me to the right decisions, and it is something I've come to realize through many "wrong" decisions over the years and kicking myself for not having followed my gut sense.

I came to the decision (before reading your comments) that the best solution is that of moving out and keeping things on with bf. We both need the distance to understand where we are in life and what we need. It is a place that he will grow in, and where I will understand what I want.

As I read your comments on my last post I realized that you were mostly confirming what I already knew. Space and distance are important in this case.

There are things that I've come to realize that are more important to me than I thought.
The artistic side of things... for example. The space to create at any hour any time of day without having someone around is important for me. I can't create with someone around. It's impossible.

My best friend today said that if I want to move out, I'll need to concentrate the "new conversation" on the positive aspects of growth from a distance, to encourage him as best I can, (because I haven't done enough of that over the past few days) and to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts. Because otherwise he will easily fall into what could be called a depression or a laziness of sorts. But if I honestly want things to change I need to give him that input.

I am feeling better. I feel like I've reached an excellent compromise to the situation. I feel comfortable with the decision. It's the only decision I wasn't despairing over. That's how I came to this conclusion. At the thought of both of the other options I was in dire pain. So breaking it off completely or staying were both out of the question.

I bawled my eyes out this morning, hyperventilated and then went to work. By the time I came home my neighbour was here (the one I'd mentioned the eminent break up to just before it happened).

And while talking to him my inkling of thought grew into a formed decision which was reinforced at ever turn, between talking to my best friend, reading the comments on the blog and talking briefly to my father not 5 minutes ago.

I have yet to break the news to Bf... I fear it will be another painful step. I fear he will not take it as well as I feel it should go. I hope that by keeping a positive attitude he will follow. I have been warned, my neighbour (and Advizor for that matter) mentioned that he is from a part of the world where certain "ideas" and customs are ingrained into the people. He may not understand, or fathom the situation of living separately. But I/he will have to work on that.

Finding an apartment is the next step. I have seen one that is interesting and will be seeing another tomorrow. The one tomorrow sounds very interesting. I hope that it is.

1 comment:

Advizor54 said...

Your clarity and resolve are developing with every step (and post). Good luck with the conversation.