Saturday, July 11, 2009

Coming up for Air

A day and a half of pure anxiety.
I was sure it was going to end. If it wasn't him to end it, it would have been me. My reasoning went like this: I don't want him to hate himself because of me and I don't want him to come to the point that he hates me.

I spent Friday working, trying to act normal. Making excuses for why I was such a mess, like: I haven't been sleeping well, I'm not feeling well.
My boyfriend kept asking me what I was thinking, and I kept making plausible excuses. I usually like it when he asks me what I'm thinking, but yesterday I just wanted to bury myself.

The BF finally went out yesterday evening, and I texted Robby to let him know I was on.

The first thing he did was apologize. He told me to forget that the whole thing happened. I told him that I didn't want him to hate himself because of me. He said that he does want it... "so there" (with an imagined tongue sticking out). I couldn't argue with that, I wasn't going to. I didn't want it to end.

We talked about it, we asked ourselves if were were "in too deep". We probably are.

Is this the passionate, unstable relationship I was looking for?
Probably the closest thing I can get to it. He puts a lot of passion into it, into me... about 8 inches deep... mmm I only wish.
If we ever got physically together I think we might catch fire.

I have had 3 physical 'affairs' since I started living with A, in the past 10 years. Only one was close to home, and it was a mistake... too close. The rest have been abroad, back home. I don't think I could ever bear the thought of it touching home. It's like another world, it doesn't have anything to do with Italy, that way I don't feel guilty (on the surface).

In any case I feel like I've recently come out of a 10 year slumber, my gears are turning again, mind reeling, and creative juices are flowing. I have to remember to thank him for it.

On a completely different note, I didn't have any time to myself to post an HNT pic this week. Today I have time so I will post one later.

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