Monday, April 26, 2010


The promised Rob post from the other day (before the fiasco).

Albeit  brief, I met up with Rob on line the other day. We had been in touch a few times via txt message. And I managed to find a hole in the day where bf had gone to the doctor's and to get groceries.

It was short. Very short. I would have liked to talk a little more. But I'll take what I can get. I even got to see him. (yay)

I can't hide that he confuses me.

He rambled about not answering my text messages over the past month because he didn't think it was necessary to answer texts about me being on line. Which I understand. Then again, I didn't just send him those. I sent a few other kinds of messages, some of which he answered, some he didn't.

He also mentioned something he had said during our last online meeting (the one where he came all over his keyboard). He said that he would get himself off then ditch me. At the time, I just figured he had meant that he'd just take off (after wanking) cause he didn't have time to hang around. But the other day he said it with a different inflected tone. Something to the effect of:
me: "I haven't heard from you in ages, I was getting paranoid"

him: "I told you I'd ditch you after cumming" *with a sly grin on his face*
me: "I didn't think you meant it that way"

(this conversation was immensely edited to save time and reader boredom)

He was probably kidding. I hope. But it has been a recurring theme. The using and then ditching theme. I don't mind the using, but I'm not a big fan of the ditching afterward. Strangely it would make me feel 'used'. Does that make sense? It is a bit of a contradiction. I want to be used, like an object, but it's not the 'using' that makes me feel used, it would be the ditching.

I think it's something that guys tend to do in general. It's the porn theme, isn't it? It's the whole point of porn. To use something just so that it can be thrown away afterward. I remember a few guys on msn or skype ask me what I get out of being used... I get a lot out of it. I like the idea that they get off watching me. But being ditched (without reason) makes me feel a bit lonely, that I wasn't appreciated.

There was this one fantasy that Rob had told me about, made up on the spot. It was one that got me going and then left me feeling odd.

It was in a dark alley. He said he'd take me into this alley tie up my arms, fuck me (I think) and then have me kneel and suck him off. Then he'd walk away. Leave me there without turning back.

See, that's the kind of 'using' I wouldn't be able to get used to. I'm not sure what made him say it. Perhaps he thought I'd like it. Or maybe it's something he fantasizes about. In any case, it was one episode. I won't judge based on that.

I guess it's possible to 'use' someone, but still have respect. Being used and ditched doesn't show much respect. I guess that's what I've been trying to get at.


Gray said...

There is definitely a difference in view points of the using term. Yes I want to be used but damn it afterward, I want to know you still respect me. I think that is the part missing, respect.

Anonymous said...

I can agree somewhat with Gray.

I think being used for pleasure is an excellent thing and I am for it. But the ditching might make one feel like they were unworthy of being used again by that person or they weren't good enough etc etc. That would not be the case if the same person "used" you over and over.

Leonhart said...

I think the fact that you and Rob have more than just getting off between you is what makes it more important.

You were friends first, right? So for that friendship to go and become just about cumming and ditching not only cheapens the online sexual experience, but undermines the friendship also.

CeCe Savage said...

I agree, friends don't ditch friends, especially after sexual encounters.

I love your blog, you have a new follower. I also have another blog you may find more racy and interesting than my regular blog, I've just started it. Let me know if you want to check it out.

The 20s Life

Eden said...

I've never really heard it quite broken down like that but in how you've said it, it makes perfect sense.
I have an interest in D/s, and thinking in this dynamic, this aspect of going back to the other person and showing them that they are wanted is important. A Dom(me) can use a sub but I think discarding them and not showing direction is what can hurt deeply. I hope this isn't going off on a tangent, but at least to myself, it raised a pertinent point.
I like the way you put it.

Diner Nighthawk said...

I think it makes perfect sense. There's a difference between someone wanting to "use" you because they can't help themselves around you, and wanting to "use" you because they just care about their own urges and don't give a shit about you. I do wonder what's going through Rob's head though.

Out of curiosity, did you get those Chrome instructions?