Monday, April 26, 2010
The promised Rob post from the other day (before the fiasco).
Albeit brief, I met up with Rob on line the other day. We had been in touch a few times via txt message. And I managed to find a hole in the day where bf had gone to the doctor's and to get groceries.
It was short. Very short. I would have liked to talk a little more. But I'll take what I can get. I even got to see him. (yay)
I can't hide that he confuses me.
He rambled about not answering my text messages over the past month because he didn't think it was necessary to answer texts about me being on line. Which I understand. Then again, I didn't just send him those. I sent a few other kinds of messages, some of which he answered, some he didn't.
He also mentioned something he had said during our last online meeting (the one where he came all over his keyboard). He said that he would get himself off then ditch me. At the time, I just figured he had meant that he'd just take off (after wanking) cause he didn't have time to hang around. But the other day he said it with a different inflected tone. Something to the effect of:
me: "I haven't heard from you in ages, I was getting paranoid"
him: "I told you I'd ditch you after cumming" *with a sly grin on his face*
me: "I didn't think you meant it that way"
(this conversation was immensely edited to save time and reader boredom)
He was probably kidding. I hope. But it has been a recurring theme. The using and then ditching theme. I don't mind the using, but I'm not a big fan of the ditching afterward. Strangely it would make me feel 'used'. Does that make sense? It is a bit of a contradiction. I want to be used, like an object, but it's not the 'using' that makes me feel used, it would be the ditching.
I think it's something that guys tend to do in general. It's the porn theme, isn't it? It's the whole point of porn. To use something just so that it can be thrown away afterward. I remember a few guys on msn or skype ask me what I get out of being used... I get a lot out of it. I like the idea that they get off watching me. But being ditched (without reason) makes me feel a bit lonely, that I wasn't appreciated.
There was this one fantasy that Rob had told me about, made up on the spot. It was one that got me going and then left me feeling odd.
It was in a dark alley. He said he'd take me into this alley tie up my arms, fuck me (I think) and then have me kneel and suck him off. Then he'd walk away. Leave me there without turning back.
See, that's the kind of 'using' I wouldn't be able to get used to. I'm not sure what made him say it. Perhaps he thought I'd like it. Or maybe it's something he fantasizes about. In any case, it was one episode. I won't judge based on that.
I guess it's possible to 'use' someone, but still have respect. Being used and ditched doesn't show much respect. I guess that's what I've been trying to get at.