Monday, April 19, 2010

Wait a minute...

Alright... this has already happened once before. When I turned 30. I hit a terrible low.

Next week is my 32nd birthday. This could be the reason for my feeling so weird. Feeling so needy to change. Should I take the hint and make the changes or should I hang on to what is supposed to be a meaningful relationship? Perhaps I should talk to a counselor first before going down the wrong road...

I talked to rob today via sms. He texted me. I was relieved. He told me when he'd be on. He even made the effort to tell me he was on this afternoon. I'm hoping to get some time alone in the afternoons this week so we can talk.

I had a bad evening last night. I was full of dread, I wanted to talk to bf about how I was feeling, but when push came to shove, I couldn't get a word out. I also knew that today we had guests coming so I didn't want to change a relatively "happy" mood for something more somber.

I guess I will embark on that conversation at some point soon.

Part of that mood was brought on not only by some helpful comments but also a Chatroulette meeting with a really cute guy from Holland. I'll never see him again. Chatroulette kicked us off and we hadn't exchanged emails. He somehow saw that something was up. He saw it fast and told me that it wasn't worth wasting my time. It was so strange. I hadn't said anything about me or my relationship. He just kinda knew. He had come out of a similar situation, I found out afterward. I wish I had exchanged emails with him.

Next was a 22 yr old Spanish kid. He was fun. Nothing terribly serious, but he kept saying he wanted me to come to Spain. Probably lack of other English things to say seeing as his English wasn't great.


Diner Nighthawk said...

I think it's honorable to not want to taint on otherwise lovely evening if it wasn't absolutely necessary to do so. The anxiety of putting off a conversation like this can be crippling though, soI'll keep my fingers crossed for you :)

Crystal Girl said...

It's always a hard thing to talk to your bf about those kinds of feelings. I'm not up on the whole situation here, but I know when you unsure feeling for someone it does make it hard to go on with them. Good luck and be honest with yourself.

As for turning 32, hon ya got nothing to worry about. I'm 47 and I feel better than I ever have.

XO, Crystal

Cande said...

DN: yeah, the anxiety is high but I've calmed down a bit due to some good conversation with Rob via Text. Somehow it has tamed the beast. I will though still face the conversation with bf. I've promised myself.

Crystal: Thanks. you're absolutely right, it is difficult when you're unsure. I need to know more, I need to figure out what I want.
I'm not worried about turning 32 strangely enough. I just seem to start analyzing my life around my birthdays and I get a bit weird.

Leonhart said...

I'm nearly 32. I figure I've still got more birthdays ahead of me than behind me, so in that respect I'm not doing too bad.

Probably won't be too many years where I won't be able to make that justification though.