Tuesday, April 13, 2010

No contract, No credit

I was talking to my best friend back home. She has been through a bunch of crap recently. Her husband (my ex) is bi-polar and has always had a lot of problems. He hasn't had a job in about 11 years. After yet another horrible event in her life, with him as the protagonist I started asking her if it was worth it. And once I forced her to analyze her situation, I felt compelled to analyze my own.

I came back to her a few weeks later telling her about how things were going with Rob, seeing as she's the only one that knows about him. And I started telling her that I really couldn't understand why it is that I keep looking for something external when in reality there's nothing wrong with my relationship.

From the outside everything seems perfect. If any of our friends had to comment on our relationship they'd say that it's ideal really. What I don't understand is why I feel like I should give up on it if there's nothing wrong with it.. I wouldn't even have a "reason" to break up with my bf.

What would I tell him?

"Oh sorry, I just don't think it's working."
"Ummm because you don't slap me around enough when we have sex..."
"Oh... ok"

I just don't see that happening. Or maybe it would go something more like this:

"I'm not happy in this relationship"
"How could YOU not be happy in this relationship?? I do all the cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping!!"

Yeah. He'd be right too. I don't do anything to help out. Then again he doesn't work and I do. But that's not an excuse.
I don't seem to have any footholds here. I mean I'd be skating on thin ice to try to break up without motive. And people would shoot me for giving up a guy who cooks amazing Italian food and cleans for me.

Sometimes I feel like it's the only way out though, the only way to keep moving. I feel like things are getting stagnant. There's no real motivation to move forward.
No marriage in sight, no house, no children... Not that I've decided I want children mind you. But I wouldn't mind seeing some kind of progress in the direction of a normal relationship.

After 11 years, you'd think there'd be some progress.

The excuses on his part? (And I totally understand this but it's not emotionally enough to satisfy me)
No money.
We don't have the money to buy a house. Or to get married. Or to have kids.
Since he doesn't work he doesn't have a long term contract to be able to trade in for a mortgage. I have never had a long term contract. I'm a freelancer, so I officially don't have credit. No contract in Italy, no credit.


rachel-xx said...

Are we twins seperated at birth? I swear you write everything I am thinking and feeling.

Anonymous said...

Hi Cande, it must be so difficult to be in that situation. A young relation of mine has confided that she is unhappy in her relationship, even though they both have good jobs and the world's their oyster. She just feels as though they're drifting, and he won't discuss the matter when she tries to bring it up. She wants children, but doen't necessarily want them with him, which to me is the key to unlocking what's wrong. But she doesn't want to hurt him by leaving, and so they drift on...

Cande said...

Rachel: I knoooowwww, must be twins!!! This post was partially brought on by something you wrote in one of your posts. But yes, we have A LOT in common I saw it with the first post you wrote.

Kevin: I'm not sure about the kids thing in general. But I asked him the other day if he wanted kids within the next 5 years and he basically said no. That would leave me at 47 and not knowing if I'm supposed to have kids or not?? hah... that's sad.

Leonhart said...

He cooks? He cleans?

That's definitely a reason to stay with someone.

Never mind marriage and kids and, hey, love - screw all that trivial stuff.

Just out of interest, how come he doesn't work?

Diner Nighthawk said...

Would you marry him if he asked?

I just ask because the it sounds like the house thing is out of your control. And the kids thing is sort of understandable (although if you want kids, and he wants them too but wants to wait until he's more financially stable, then he needs to start making steps towards becoming more financially stable if it's ever going to happen. Don't get me wrong, I know how tough it is out there right now. I'm just didn't hear any indication from you that he was working to change things).

But the marriage thing... you guys have been together for 11 years, while being tight on money. If he's happy with you, and intends on being with you for the next eleven years, I don't understand why you guys wouldn't just make it official.

Cande said...

LH: The not working thing is a long story. I'll get around to posting about it. But let's just say he's comfortable this way for now. I'm not in any way supporting him, he has enough money for now to support himself comfortably with holidays abroad and all.

Diner: I probably would marry him, yeah. But again that's connected to the fact that I wouldn't have a good reason not to. Here in Italy marriage takes money, many guests and a TON of food. If it has to be done, I imagine it should be done right. None of his brothers got married. and consider that one just split from his wife for a girl half his age. So it might just run in the family.

Cande said...

Sorry.... that last bit was worded wrong... he didn't split from his wife... he split from his commonlaw partner. They'd been together for over 20 years.

Anonymous said...

well has he considered working? I mean I know that sounds crazy but, ya know, he could get a job. It wuld be different if y'all had 2-3 kids but no kids and no job and he cooks and shops? I want his deal!

Hey run his ass and let me have his gig!!!!

Cande said...

Yeah, like I said with Leonhart. He isn't working because he's comfortable not working. I am not supporting him. So he can afford it.

I'll let you know if a vacancy comes up ;)