Saturday, April 17, 2010

It was something I said.

So today I said something really horrible to my bf. I shouldn't have. But he didn't seem to notice. I have been dropping some pretty heavy going hints recently.

Today he told me that I've been spending too much time on the computer. That I don't have any stimuli to do anything else. This is and isn't true. I have had stimuli, enough to go to an art show on my own and go out for drinks with friends.

I said that I couldn't possibly be stimulated with someone who was so un-stimulating.

It was the honest truth. But it was brutal of me to say it so bluntly.

I am an artistic person. I love everything from art, painting, music, film, nature, ANYTHING. He is almost the opposite. He hates museums. He refuses to come to an art show with me. He hates the music I listen to. He never stays awake during a movie and he rarely takes me to the movies. He likes the beach (perhaps the only thing we have in common) but he likes to harpoon things while I prefer to look at them through my snorkeling mask.

Sometimes I feel like I need an accomplice in crime.... he doesn't see that as his role at all.

I wouldn't mind having a mind to bounce artistic ideas off of, or talk to about music or movies that I love.

Don't get me wrong. I feel like I'm being terribly negative these days. We do have our moments. We play wrestle, we giggle together about life, and he can make me laugh. He often has good insight into my problems, he is ingenuous in how to resolve them. He is also street wise. He has a lot of great qualities.

I just think that there's someone else out there who is more compatible with me. Am I wrong for thinking that and looking for it?


Diner Nighthawk said...

No, it strikes me as your RIGHT to look for it. You love him, you've been with him for eleven years, and despite the fact that you clearly want different things out of life you stay with him out of love and responsibility. However, you only get one shot at life, and he's giving you no indication that you're going to get the "happily ever after" that you want.

Sixty years from now, do you want your life to be defined by how happy you were? Or by how you stood by him despite how unfulfilled you were? (I'm not saying those are your only choices, that those are just the best and worse case scenarios).

Green Eyed Frenchy said...

Sigh! This is just so familiar, I'm also an art lover, but no one to share my passions with, and being in limbo since years too.... How I understand you. I have started an introspection process and am reading about meditation, maybe it will help me change my attitude and trigger some positive reactions, maybe...

Leonhart said...

The only really wrong thing you can do in a relationship, in staying with someone else, is not be true to yourself. By selling yourself short you also sell him short.

Evidence is in your argument. You're unhappy, and he argues about your withdrawal. Thus NEITHER of you are happy.

Except for when you're at the beach!

Cande said...

DN: You've hit a nerve hon... it's a bit scary for me. But I think you might be right.

Green: Please, please, tell me that perhaps there's some other way around this. Does the meditation help??

LH: You, like Diner have hit a nerve. It's really kinda scary. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do... it's going to be painful if I go through with a break-up.