Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The argument

I came home filled with dread today. I almost burst into tears twice or three times this morning. Once was when I texted Rob to let him know my plans of breaking things off with bf and got a text back saying good luck, and then another that said "I'm here if you need to talk!". That almost had me melt to my knees. I was still at work and had to bite my tongue.

Again when Co-worker and I went to lunch together (since bf is not cooking anymore), at the end of lunch as we were leaving he said, "you look sad", "you look thoughtful". And he told me to "be good" as we were leaving... but it was tear jerking knowing he knew things were up. He asked me how bf took me getting home plastered at 3 am, and I said, "don't even ask, things are so rough right now". I had to change the subject or I would have cried.

The argument with bf was as it usually is, very chaotic. That man cannot hold a logical thought and run with it. It is exasperating arguing with him. I cry out of sheer frustration most of the time with him. We did work things out, even if I was pushing for some kind of confirmation from him that he is not happy in the situation. But I never got it. I don't understand... I really don't.

One minute he's saying he wants to live like a separated couple, and we're talking about moving to separate apartments, and he actually told me that it wouldn't work right away because our contract runs out in June... (which to me means he'd thought about it!), and he's telling me that I do not show him that I love him in any way or form. And the next minute he's telling me I've got it all wrong.

Nonetheless we've come to the conclusion that he's not doing anything for me anymore, neither cooking nor laundry nor groceries. He's washing his own dishes and tidying up after dinner and lunch, keeping the kitchen clean after he cooks (which is usually my job), and we'll see how it goes for now. I'm cool with that I guess. It means I have more freedom to decide what to do with my time. I'm not a person that really LOVES to sit down and eat. I like to eat good things quickly so I can go do other things. I don't want to spend hours, like the Italians, sitting at a dinner table.

Getting groceries is not difficult for me, I go past 2 grocery stores coming home from work.

The real question is... was it better to stick with it or break it off?? I was dreaming, in a certain sense, of getting my own apartment. I already had it lined up (a friend of mine is moving out of hers, it's free now since she lives with her boyf). I was dreaming of my space, of studio space in her garage, of being able to be up late to work on art projects, big things, and spending time on internet not worrying that he's going to be a drag about it. I dreamt of having a cat, and guests over for drinking parties...

But when I talked to Rob briefly this evening he pointed out it would have caused other problems... I'm honestly not sure if they outweigh the positive sides for me. But... there are the negative sides. Like family friends coming to visit in June, and tickets for a huge trip bought and planned for North America this summer, not to mention of course feelings of loss and depression and me missing him... which I'm sure I will from the first night I go to a different apartment. And I'm sure there are others that I cannot see due to my own stupidity and blindness.

Today (after the argument) he actually tried to convince me to buy a house with him... not that we have the money for it.... but he showed me pictures and everything.

Ok so now I'm just rambling.... .

I must thank each and every one of you for writing such heartfelt comments, I appreciated each and every one, and they were another source of tongue biting to keep me from crying today and last night. 
There are people I need to email and haven't in a while, please forgive me and I will hopefully have time to get to that very soon.
You guys are all so great, I really love you all. I don't know where I'd be without you. And as for Michael, you are probably right... riding it through before making decisions is the wisest thing to do....

I got word on my computer too, it's covered on the warranty, so I'm taking it in tomorrow to have it fixed. I hope they give it to me right away. I don't want to wait. I'm just glad anyhow... so yay for that.


John said...

Keep strong and I know for a passionate person like yourself it will be difficult you need to remain logical and objective as to where you go, I am sure you will get the support you need both here in internet land and in the real world.

That Girl said...

oh man. so sorry to hear you going through all of this. i recall how hard it was being at work when things hit the fan with hubs and i.

so hard to keep it together. sometimes i just didn't. but most times i did.

good luck to you.

Michael said...

You're on the right course ... keep calm, and you will get through this

Anonymous said...

There will always be a reason (or 10) not to leave, but life is too short to settle. The pain of leaving will be awful, but temporary, and if you avoid leaving simply due to the fear of experiencing the pain you will never know if you could have been happier in a different situation...

Anonymous said...

How do I get a hot girl I can treat like crap and have her be afraid to leave?

Seriously, get out of there; sounds like a miserable situation and you're just rationalizing why you should stay.

Advizor54 said...

Find time to cry if it will heal the pain without prolonging it.

You are, as always, in our thoughts as you get through this. The calm before the storm may be an apt metaphor, but once a storm has passed the rainbows are beautiful.

(Is that cheesy enough for you?)

ebony panther said...

Breakups, even partial ones, are tough, no matter what. No one can really be in your shoes so was it better to just break it off right there? No one but you can truly say. All we can do is listen and be there for support. Judging by all the heartfelt love you've received online (myself included), you'll have a great support system. I'm sure I speak for your regulars when I say that we're all here to lean on if you need us.

Johanna said...

Glad to hear that things have calmed down... sounds like you still have some issues to work through and think about, but at least you can do so without biting your tongue off... (and the cooking part actually makesn sense... I have an Italian friend and I've often wondered how he and his wife find time for anything at all for all the constant cooking and endless eating going on there... delicious, but really, there are other things in life as well)

Malcolm said...

Seems you really need a decisive man in your life, willing to exert some force. It can be wearying to have to deal with constant vacillating.

You were the first commenter on my recently revived blog, for which I thank you; I have followed your adventures every since - at least, I have tried to, since at times it's hard to get the feeling I am actually following what goes on!

Seems to me that breaking with bf is inevitable, sooner or later. The ideal way would be for some man to come and carry you off, but although there isn't a shortage of men in your life, none of them seems to want or be able to do that. I feel sympathy with the Anonymous commenter who wrote "How do I get a hot girl I can treat like crap and have her be afraid to leave?" Your bf seems good-natured but that isn't enough for a girl like you.